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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Grey rocking

14 replies

wrigglewriggles · 13/05/2021 08:40

Iv'e read over the years about going grey rock.
I'm having to live in the house with my idiotic ex (with our children) while we sell. I'm trying so hard to not let his words and actions get to me but I don't think I can take anymore. I've just had to leave the house to drive to a quiet spot so I can have a scream and a cry.
How, how do people manage to block out all the crap and let the nonsense slide by? I was doing well but he has ramped up the verbal abuse and snide remarks over the past week. He's now cancelling house viewings for no reason. It's like he's deliberately trying to make me snap and right now he's achieving in that and I hate that he can get to me like this.
Help! Advice? Any magic potions to make his disappear in a puff of smoke?

OP posts:
lubeybooby · 13/05/2021 08:44

I have no advice other than to read 'psychopath free' by jackson mckenzie - (even if he's not a psycho it covers many manipulative types) and to look up responding vs reacting, and understand that the reaction is what they want. The various books and guides etc explain it better than me

also the 'but we took you to stately homes' threads seem familiar and helpful with grey rocking

Good luck

wrigglewriggles · 13/05/2021 12:16

Thank you. Have started to look at responding v reacting. It's just so hard not to react sometimes.

OP posts:
wrigglewriggles · 14/05/2021 09:26

A hopeful bump.

Does anyone have a useful phrase to use when the ranting and abuse is heading your way?

OP posts:
Dogfan · 14/05/2021 10:16

I don't think anyone finds it easy, I think you just try to train yourself to respond in the grey rock way. To be honest the fact that you are with him all the time will be making this really hard so I'm sure you're doing really well! If it helps try to remember that he is only behaving like this to get you to react because your reaction feeds his ego (i.e. he can have such a big effect on you) so if you can try not to react it means you aren't giving him what he wants. This probably means he will try even harder to get a reaction so if he's driving you insane it probably means you're doing grey rock well!

Umberellatheweatha · 14/05/2021 10:20

Grey rock is realy only a very short term solution. Because if they cotton on...they take it as a challenge. And will just pick pick pick.

I'd maybe use it at pick ups/drop offs for the kids if someone else couldn't meet him. But not whilst actively still under the same roof.

The best thing to do is to put the physical distance between you asap. If you have to be under his roof, make sure to not cook or clean for him. Sleep separately. And every time he says something unacceptable to you, say 'dont speak to me like that' and simply leave the room.

Take as many drives as you need. The more space to yourself you can have, the better. But be aware he will try to sabotage you. Invest in some good headphones and listen to music when possible.

Speak to a solicitor about the house selling and the tactics he is using. You want to ve able to force the sale asap because it sounds like he intends to backtrack.

Make sure your kids know that you are leaving because dad is mean. And it is not ok. Because otherwise he will spin them a different narrative.

namechange1032 · 14/05/2021 10:52

You can use Grey rock as a long term solution as well. It's used when you have to deal with someone personality disordered who will create drama or use what you say against you. I used it with my mother for 40 years. You don't tell them anything of interest and you make yourself as grey which means as boring as possible.

With my mum, I talked about the weather, road works, traffic, news items, politics but never about me and I never really gave an opinion on anything or she would use it to start her dramatics or store it up for use later. Sometimes if she was in a mood, me picking up the phone and saying 'hello' was enough for her to start but we are nc now.

OP I guess you're both working from home and he never leaves the property at set times, so you can't arrange viewings yourself without telling him or arrange online viewings which would be showing someone around the property online and then arranging a real life viewing when you know your husband is not around.

You need to avoid interaction with him and simply tell him nothing about yourself. Keep things light and if he starts, as some will grab onto anything to start an argument then leave the room. I assume you're in separate rooms, then get a lock for it.

Are you getting any mental health support? Can you arrange counselling online? You can do it in the car for privacy if you need to. I would focus on getting the house sold ASAP so you can get away from him.

wrigglewriggles · 14/05/2021 13:16

Thank you. Some helpful advice.

I think I was tired the other day (youngest one not sleeping so well ) and that coupled with his constant noise just sent me over the edge. Have had a good nights sleep and am feeling more together and able to face his nonsense.
I think it is right that he's stepped it up this past week because I have been doing well at blocking him out and not engaging. He hates to see me succeed so seeing me working, running the house and dealing with the children by myself without the need for him pisses him off.

We are in separate rooms and I don't cook or clean up after him.

He has now shared that he cancelled the viewing earlier in the week because he hadn't liked my attitude the day before, didn't think I showed enough appreciation for him giving the house a last tidy up before viewings and thought there was too much left to do on the day of the viewing.
I work full time out of the house. He is currently unemployed so at home all day. So, unfortunately viewings pretty much work around him and do rely on him to finish a few things after the children and I have left in the morning. If there is time between me finishing work and a viewing I have been coming home to do a last tidy. I am slowly not just realising but actually remembering that I can't rely on him for anything. So even if he offers to do something helpful I must remember not to think it will actually happen.
Fingers crossed that someone will want this house soon so I can have him out of my life (as much as possible)

OP posts:
Potplant · 14/05/2021 13:41

Arrange the viewings but don’t tell him until the absolute last minute.

I’m in a similar situation, it’s just awful and I hate it.
It took me a long long time to realise that he’s start a row on purpose in order to wind me up. I’d be getting more upset and he loved it.

My standard grey rock is to agree with him and just walk away.

You keep the house like a shit hole - yes you’re right
You’re a terrible mother - ok and walk away
It’s so tempting to bite back but I always try to keep in mind that it hurts me more than him.

Focus on the end of the tunnel.

wrigglewriggles · 14/05/2021 14:38

@Potplant

Arrange the viewings but don’t tell him until the absolute last minute.

I’m in a similar situation, it’s just awful and I hate it.
It took me a long long time to realise that he’s start a row on purpose in order to wind me up. I’d be getting more upset and he loved it.

My standard grey rock is to agree with him and just walk away.

You keep the house like a shit hole - yes you’re right
You’re a terrible mother - ok and walk away
It’s so tempting to bite back but I always try to keep in mind that it hurts me more than him.

Focus on the end of the tunnel.

Unfortunately, I do need him on board with the viewings. If I organised them and let him know last minute he'd probably refuse to leave the house!

I'm sorry you're going through the same thing. It truly is a crap time.
You're right. The "yes, ok, you're right" and walk away approach is the best and is what I need to get back to. I'd started to engage in his nonsense and let his put downs get to me.
Why do you think they want to start an argument? He claims he wants peace but pulls this crap and tries to make out it's all my fault.

OP posts:
Umberellatheweatha · 14/05/2021 15:02

They're like bullies who gain their kicks and excitement and energy from stressing and annoying other ppl.

Think vampire, they need to drain you in order to juice themself up.

I'd just have looked at him with a fake confused face (the one I'm sure he uses every time he tries to gaslight you - the one that just says 'what the fuck are you on about?') and go matter of factly 'We clean the place because we want to sell it' and then just walk out.

Needhelp101 · 14/05/2021 15:07

"Fine" works well. Said in a neutral tone, not an angry one.
I do appreciate how hard it is.

Nove · 14/05/2021 15:22

I had a few strategies when I was in this situation. I took up running so could burn off a lot of stress and nervous energy that way plus it's time out of the house and away from him.

I would imagine I was in a glass dome or force field and visualise all his words just bouncing off and not getting to me at all.
I would also play bullshit bingo in my head so wait for him to say certain things and tick them off the list.
A lot of the time I'd do similar to a PP and just say "ok then." and walk away.
I remember we were tidying up the house to sell and repainting the doors one day. While we were working he was going on and on about how everything was my fault etc, etc, etc. I really wanted to get the painting finished so just walking away wasn't really an option. So i went and got my iPod. He was still talking at me, I just smiled at him, put my headphones in, turned the music up loud and calmly carried on painting. He swore a bit about that but did then shut up for the rest of the day Grin That took a lot for me to do though as for years I'd been ground down into believing that I was responsible for whatever had gone wrong, that I needed to explain myself or defend myself to him. Even though I did it all calmly I remember my heart was pounding so hard because I wasn't following the norm of always paying attention to him. I felt like I'd broken the rules.

It took a lot of 'fake it till I make it' behaviour to get out of the habit of worrying about what he thought. I wish I'd been on Mumsnet then as I'd have broken that habit a lot sooner, everyone around me was trying to keep the peace and saying I should be co-operative and keep on his good side for the children's sake etc..(I left him). I should have been a hell of a lot tougher a lot earlier on.

Potplant · 14/05/2021 17:24

Think vampire, they need to drain you in order to juice themself up
Grin so true

It was a real wake up call when I realised wanted me in tears, justifying myself, professing undying love, running myself into ground to make life perfect. And it wasn’t a two way street. My first grey rock He was going on at me about something and I said ‘mmm, you’re right’ and walked off. I felt like punching the air. He followed me around saying the same thing trying to get me answer back, getting more annoyed because I was agreeing with him.

@Nove it’s hard isn’t it. I still haven’t got used to the idea that everything isn’t my fault and he’s not my problem. A mutual friend told me about something he did to upset her and my first instinct was to defend him and make excuses.

wrigglewriggles · 16/05/2021 19:50

He's back to being almost civil. This won't last long. I know the cycle. Give it two days and he'll find something to pick on or do to disrupt things.
He used to use my weight against me "you're such a fat pig ...." I'm the same size as before having three children and would love to go out and exercise but have needed him to be willing to look after the children on a regular basis - he won't do that.I remember one argument where I preempted him and said "oh, let me guess, I'm so fat blah blah blah" He looked a little taken aback and hasn't used that since. He's found other things though which I now need to find a way to let wash over me. I get annoyed when I let him get to me. I know what he's doing, I need to be more zen and less confrontational.

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