be patient? or would you walk away?

[trufflesfortea]

I’m not great with asserting my needs in relationships. I always worry I’m being demanding. I stand up for myself but ultimately I will back down if I think it puts the relationship at risk of being over. I’m having therapy for this.

But I’ve posted here for some perspective really.

Me and my lovely DP been together 7 months. He is 38 I’m 34. He had one year long distance relationship in his 20s. Since then, nothing. He is quite career focused and very slightly on the spectrum - very much likes routine etc. I like him loads and he says he feels the same. He does lovely things for me and generally I’m extremely happy.

But getting him to properly let me into his life is like pulling teeth. He’s said things before like ‘I’m so glad you encouraged this’ after the event...ie when I’ve said I’m going to call over and go out for dinner after work one night. The concept of doing that though is alien to him. He won’t agree to it, he says he doesn’t know how it will work time wise etc etc. Yet when I’ve sprung it on him last minute and we do these things, it’s great.

He is adamant that we can’t spend Friday nights together. He says he is back from work late (8ish) and that he’s not on form. I’ve told him I don’t care about him being on form and that I just want to be with him after a long week. He’s not doing anything untoward as he’s FaceTimed me often, is always in contact and there’s literally no evidence of anything else - there was a time at the start when I queried this.

When he’s had a drink he will often say he’s sorry hes so shit at relationships, that he’s been on his own so long, that he’s learning and doesn’t want to lose me...

I’m getting frustrated that everything is so compartmentalised. Week day events are are huge deal as that’s seen as ‘work time.’ Friday evenings seen as ‘household chore times.’ Sunday night ‘work prep.’ Though recently he’s been more relaxed about seeing each other Sunday nights as well as Saturday. It’s taken a long time to get to that point though.

It feels like a bit of a slog sometimes. Yet I am so so happy with him, he’s pretty much everything I wanted in someone. Anyone experienced this and does it get better?

I've had this with my ex. Also slightly on the spectrum and you don't realise until you date what this really means.

Like yours he too liked his routine and I struggled to feel a part of his life. If he was on the early shift he would have to stay at his to get ready and feel ready. Even if he was on that shift most days a week and I hardly saw him. Similarly if he had to see friends every Friday, he hated deviating for me even if it was an important event. He compartmentalised so when he was with me, he was completely focused but the rest of the time we were not together I barely heard from him other than very sterile check ins - because he can only focus on one thing at a time. And I wanted a relationship that wasn't just a weekend thing.

It also meant that he was too rigid to compromise easily. If he did it was after a lot of negotiation which I found exhausting.

In the end I found it too much hard work: I did love him, he was funny, and lovely when together. But I realised he was only like that because it wasn't something he had to do every day. I think day to day life with him would have been a huge challenge as his insistence on his OWN routine would have ignored my needs. He had never had a long term relationship till I met him in his 30s and he admits he doesn't think he'll have one again for a while. He is aware that he's not good with empathy or compromise and so not good at having to consider someone else. Which makes relationships a struggle.

I don't doubt he loved me and did try to meet my needs but over the course of a year it was a lot of negotiating and coaching and took its toll on me. Because I couldn't stand the thought of doing it for everything - where we went on holiday, moving in together, chores (dear god, he took so long to do his chores and it had to be done a certain way- no way could that work with kids), marriage, kids.

Mostly it was the fact I know he can't really process feelings through same way and lacks empathy and the ability to forward plan. He wouldn't make a good life partner, especially in a crisis or with a lot of change. And I couldn't trust he wouldn't find it all too overwhelming and leave.

It was the right decision for me and though I miss him, I know our future was bleak. Not sure if this helps but just my perspective on our relationship. I still miss him because he was fantastic in those moments but I needed more than just moments of brilliance. I needed it to be there for me everyday and all the time.

How often do you see him? Only on Saturdays?

Has he ever lived with anyone? I can relate to his life, it works for him and perhaps he is an introvert and needs downtime.

I don't think you can or should force him to change his routine, he has to want to change. You could be fundamentally incompatible as very different people

Have you discussed what he wants in his future, such as children or marriage? Trying to make someone move on at your pace will not work out well for both of you.

How late is he finishing work most days? Honestly, I get home from work 8 ish a few nights a week (leaving at 6am) in normal non-COVID times and if I had the option to push a button so I could have some peace and not have to see dh/dc, I probably would as well. Working long days is exhausting and I'm not sure I could come home on Friday at 8pm and snap into fun, romantic mode. It sounds like he is really busy and probably tired and needs some time to decompress between work and the weekend. I think that's pretty normal actually. I'd also find it hard to regularly do social things during the week. My work requires several hours of evening working to keep up at the end of the day. I just about manage it, but it would have been tough if life had been life this when I was dating.

The challenge is that it's not really compatible with the sort of spontaneous life you're after, even if it's probably not that unusual for working people in their 30s and 40s. You seem like maybe not a good match. Unless he's planning to change his working pattern in the future, would you want a long-term relationship with a partner who isn't home from work until 8pm most nights? I think it's fine if you both have similar ish expectations and it works with your joint life together. But it sounds like you want different things.

If you carry on dating him, I would read more into relationships with people on the spectrum. Because they don't always see the world and process feelings and thoughts in the same way, you do need to learn how to communicate with them. And what the limitations are. It is not easy and there's some threads on here from women married to men with Aspergers etc. To give you some idea of the way it could be.

I did all the reading and it's why we made some progress but my ex, like your bf, was mid 30s so any change was too hard to make- set in his ways. And i knew any love I had for him would descend into resentment at how hard he was making my life, particularly if we had kids. Unless he himself is in therapy for how to have better relationships, you cannot teach him. Only a professional can and he needs to want to do it himself. Not at your insistence.