'I'm sorry you feel how you are feeling'

[shiningcuckoo]

I think that I have something of a problem with this phrase or any phrase along these lines. It's kind of holding me responsible for being upset and not allowing me to feel sad. My friend said this in a message to me - I had been talking to her about a dilemma in which Ive found myself, where I need to go into hospital for some very frightening treatment and there is no one to go with me, or even anyone I can rely on to visit during my stay, which is likely to be two or three weeks. I have no family at all and whilst i have mentioned it to a small number of close friends, everyone is being pretty coy - I think its just too much as the hospital is a long way away. I just know that no one wants to or can help. It's a similar story once I am discharged - there is no one to help and I am just going to have to manage on my own. I am a bit distressed about this and my friend is saying this about my distress. It doesn't feel helpful. She is also saying that the fact that i am alone in this is because I have not made the choice to involve my friends in helping me - I haven't begged for help, but I have certainly mentioned it and so far everyone has said no, albeit in a roundabout way. Phrases like 'it would be very very difficult' and 'I have my own family to think about'. She has a partner and parents and siblings all around her, so wouldn't find herself in this situation. I think that she probably has no idea what things are like for me, but that doesn't stop these comments from stinging.

Have you actually asked outright for help?

I'm sorry that you are going through this. I hope you can find the support you need.

She is also saying that the fact that i am alone in this is because I have not made the choice to involve my friends in helping me

Is there any truth in this? It does seem to be a common thing that people rely on vague Facebook statuses or passing hints rather than just asking someone if they can help them.

You are probably also disadvantaged by the pandemic.

Absolutely no FB statuses. I have asked a small number of people directly in very polite terms. It's just too big an ask for someone who is not family in my view. No one says no directly, but definitely indirectly. Anyway, this is not what I'm upset about. I'm upset by my friends response to my situation.

I’m not sure where you live, but in our UK hospital at the moment, you can only have the same 1 visitor for the duration of your stay.
That would be quite a lot for someone with work, children etc if you were in for 2-3 weeks and they’d probably feel they had to go every day so you weren’t on your own.
Is there nobody you could ask outright for help once you’re home?
For your stay, could you download some audiobooks or take books, music etc so you can rest up and recover as much as possible whilst your there. You may find being able to focus on that for the time you’re in hospital will mean your a lot better than you’re expecting by the time you’re discharged.

I am sorry you are unwell.
No one is going to be wanting to visit a hospital during a pandemic unless the situation is dire for the patient. They are also going to be thinking you need to quarantine for two weeks after you come out of hospital.
If you very do need help be direct. My mother has a thing of asking for favours either for herself or my sister by way of lots of heavy hints. 9 times out of 10 it goes over my head, although if asked directly I would say yes.

I wouldn't be asking anyone to put themselves at risk visiting me in hospital or immediately afterwards. I would be gutted and sad and frightened, but I would absolutely be sucking it up and using my phone/laptop a lot. I think your friends are being reasonable. I think you're being reasonable to be upset about it too, but don't blame your friends. And your friend who said she's sorry you feel the way you do, she's being kind and nice, it sounds. You're putting her in a difficult position, having to say no to doing something dangerous knowing it's going to be hard for you. But, you're response to the situation is your responsibility, not hers, so if that is what she's implying (which she's might not be!), she would be right!

But she is sorry you feel like this. What would you rather she said?

I’m sorry you’re going through this, OP, it sounds scary and very lonely. I do empathise, as someone who’s single and doesn’t have close family relationships either.

One thing I’ve learned in my years of singledom, and I believe that this is borne out by research, is that caring responsibilities are rarely carried out by anyone other than a partner or other close relatives. That doesn’t mean friends can’t and won’t do a lot, but it’s a bonus rather than an expectation, I think. I find I’m happier if I’m grateful for anything someone does to support me, rather than expecting it, if you see what I mean. But it is hard.

I agree with others that hospital visiting is difficult and potentially dangerous at present and that while you’re in hospital you might be better off ensuring you have the technology to stay in touch with friends by phone or video call. Perhaps one or more of them might undertake to stay in touch with the ward by phone especially when you’re undergoing treatment and advocate for you remotely if need be? Might that be something you could look at setting up? And then when you’re home it seems a bit more reasonable to be asking for help, though there’s still the COVID/quarantine issue. If you think you won’t cope without practical help tell the hospital/your doctor as there might be something that can be done (or might not). And/or get in touch with any local mutual support groups on eg Facebook? I know my town has people prepared to go shopping, collect prescriptions, etc.

I agree with others that you need to be quite clear and specific about what you’re asking for. I also know this is difficult, and personally it makes me a bit sad at times because I think what I really want in this sort of situation is for someone to empathise and care so much that they just know what I need and want to do it, or are willing to put themselves completely at my disposal when I am so scared or ill. But this isn’t usually possible with even close friends.

I do hope it all goes well and the treatment isn’t as scary as you think, and that you get the support you need even if it’s a bit piecemeal.

It sounds really difficult OP and also must be frightening to feel like you are facing this alone.

Perhaps you could have a very open conversation with your friend about your needs and see if there is a compromise?

Maybe she can't commit to visiting you in hospital and being a "primary carer" as it were, but she could be there for a phone call a couple of times a week? She could visit you once or twice when you are out? That doesn't have to be a huge burden but it could really help you.

Maybe the way you are phrasing it is making her feel like it would just be too much... is there a way she can do a bit less but still do something?

You do need to be very direct I think because if you are expecting her to "read into" your feelings and offer something, she might not. Like you say she probably doesn't quite understand how you're feeling or how things are for you.

I really hope it all goes OK and you get some support one way or another.

I'm struggling to understand the issue with the phrase "I'm sorry you feel how you are feeling" but this may be that I'm missing something and don't know the whole context of the conversation.

Isn't it just similar to people saying "I'm sorry" if someone dies or goes through a trauma or something? "I'm sorry you've been through that..." "I'm sorry you are so sad..." what's the difference? It sounds like she is trying to show you empathy.

Maybe the way she phrased it just struck the wrong chord with you for some reason but it sounds like it probably wasn't intentional.

I get what you mean. Her phrasing is a bit of a cop out.

I don’t think there’s much you can do about the hospital stay. Visiting is still very restrictive unfortunately. However, I think you should ask for support on discharge. There are short term care provisions available for people who need help. In my area it’s called “Reablement”, they send carers in for up to 6 weeks to support with personal care, meals etc then review after the 6 weeks. If someone has long term needs, they flag to social services to put in a permanent care package, if you no longer need it, they pull out.

I see no issue with what she said OP. I think you just took it personally because you’re feeling extra fragile right now.

"I'm sorry you feel that way" is a cop out non empathic statement...however it is usually said by those who don't want to get involved.

I can understand that she can't help but saying that would actually be better... "I'm so sorry for what you are going through and wish I could offer practical help whilst you are in hospital but when you get out can I bring over some meals, visit you etc"

Everyone can do something to help a friend, even if it's small actions.

I had ill health whilst single and thankfully had siblings who stepped in. It's scary to feel so alone and wouldn't wish that on anyone..

Is there a support group for your medical issue? Even if online you may be able to get some support or ideas.

Visiting restrictions don't apply where I live. I'm not in the UK.

And I'm not asking my friend to help or visit. She lives in another country. I am just expressing to her how difficult and lonely it is when you feel you have hardly anyone to ask and when you do, they can't. I think that her phrase is close to 'I'm sorry you feel that way' which is somehow suggesting that the difficulty is not with the situation but with my reaction to it. I also feel it takes away my permission to feel over whelmed and upset and to talk about it.

OP in the gentlest way, I think you're feeling vulnerable and perhaps lonely and hence are overreacting.
Your friend is in another country - she obviously can't help you, so what else can she say other than she's sorry that you're feeling upset?
As for your other friends who are nearby - as you say, the hospital is a distance away, so how do you think they will be able to support you whilst you're in hospital? And once you're discharged, what level of support would you like? Could you make small requests of your friends? Try to plan ahead so that your support needs are reduced - can you pre-arrange grocery deliveries; batch cook and freeze meals in advance, that sort of thing? Good luck with the procedure OP.

Well I think that my friend is suggesting that I am being a martyr by not asking for help. I guess I expect her to empathise and tell me that it is hard and I'm not being a wimp by getting distressed. But what I am feeling is that my feelings are being minimised and I am choosing to put myself in this position. If I ask for help others will really want to step up. Which they don't btw. I don't really want to describe my operation, but it is technically complex, large in scale and will take about 7 hours. It will save my life. After I am discharged I will need to get myself home. The journey is about 6 hours in the car. I cant think of anyone to collect me and I will not be able to drive for several weeks. So I am currently looking into a long distance bus journey which will take 9 hours. This is my level of desperation. I have had a similar operation previously and could barely stand for the first few days at home. There is no question that I will be able to be out of bed for long enough to even heat food. The pain will be dreadful.

I'm going by your update op, it sounds as though the context of the conversation was that you were expressing you don't have anyone you can ask for help. You were looking for sympathy regarding your hospital visiting problem as you don't have any family and you don't think it is something a friend should be landed with because it is a lot of work
Then she responded 'I'm sorry you feel this way'

In that case then I'm sorry but I think yabu. That conversation is quite different. It sounds more like a reasonable response.
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You've closed the conversation awkwardly. You're saying very clearly that you don't want help from her, you know it's a massive ask for anyone who isn't family and you just wouldn't.
Did you just want/expect her to have a better response to a moan? In which case, I can understand that.

Or did you want her to offer help after telling her everyone else had said no?
Because I'd struggle to be put on the spot like that and would feel under pressure to offer false promises I could do more than I could...

I'm sorry you're sick op. I hope you get better soon

My advice is to directly ask your friends if they will keep in touch during your hospital stay via phone/online and ask if they'll be able to pop in a visit when you're home but in the meantime, would it be ok to give them a call every now and again as you are feeling a bit lonely?
I'm sure they would all be ok with that. It's a very small ask.

I guess I expect her to empathise and tell me that it is hard and I'm not being a wimp by getting distressed.

But she can't do this op. She doesn't know what it is like, you said she has a full family around her and would never understand

Reading your update - I think you should have someone in real life after the op. Have you spoken to your hospital about discharge care to see what services they offer when you're home? It doesn't sound like you should be alone. But equally this cannot be left to a friend to do so maybe they have a social services type that can assist you?

I cant have help from her even if i wanted it. The borders to the country I live in are closed to most non citizens. So I definitely wasn't asking for her to help me. I suppose I was asking her to confirm for me that I am in a really horrible situation and that my distress is justified. Not that my situation can be helped by me asking more people for help.
And there does seem to be a general feeling here that asking for significant help from non family members isn't reasonable and I need to be prepared to be self sufficient. Which was my point of view to begin with but my friend disagrees and thinks that my upset is being exacerabated by what she sees as my refusal to ask for help. The popping in to see me at home kind of help isn't actually going to make much of a difference as I will feel compelled to get dressed and make cups of tea.

Hi OP

That sounds like a really tough situation. I think it's terrible the hospital will consider discharging you without a postoperative care package being in place.

You haven't said which country you're in. I have family in both non-UK (European) and non-European countries who've required major surgery in the past year. In one case postoperative care (including transportation home and three visits per day) was arranged through the hospital. It wasn't offered, the assumption being that family would provide support. It took a week to arrange once the hospital was asked, so it was in place for when my family member was ready to be discharged.

In the other case the hospital didn't do this, (transport home and daily visits) however they signposted a charity which did. It was a charity linked to the condition my family member needed the operation for.

Failing those options, does your country have the equivalent of adult social care?

There are lots of lovely MNetters from all over the world on this forum. If you feel able to share your country and region, they may be able to suggest services which can help you.

Good luck

I think you think that her phrasing it this way was invalidating what a difficult situation you're in and instead making it that your reaction is unusual. Am I right?

I don't think she meant any harm by it and was probably choosing her words very carefully to try and get the tone right and unfortunately it didn't quite land correctly.

Her hands are tied in terms of being there for you so to look at it another way perhaps she is acknowledging quite strongly that you are going through this alone and with all the empathy in the world she understands that this is something very personal to you and your feelings and that you have full ownership of this and everything that goes with it.

OP what a scary and distressing time for you, I hope everything goes well x

"I'm sorry you feel that way" is a cop out non empathic statement

I agree that it is if it's in response to something a person has done, e.g.

"You did X the other day and I found that really upsetting"
"I'm sorry you feel that way"

• THAT is a super cop-out non empathetic response.

However...

"I have to go into hospital and I'm really struggling with my feelings aroung it, I'm anxious/nervous/scared"
"I'm sorry you feel that way, that sounds difficult"

• This is empathetic as it acknowledges and recognises the feelings of the person. They could offer to go and help out and do something on top of it, but in itself there is nothing wrong with the response of "I'm sorry you feel that way".

So it really depends on the context!

That sounds really hard op. And I would do a 12 hour round trip drive for a friend in your situation. And I have kids and a job but I could arrange for them to be looked after. I wouldn't do the hospital visits because it is too far for a visit, but would call and facetime. But I would bring you home and help look after you.

I needed help sometimes when ill whilst I was looking after my kids and my ex DH was away on business. They have helped look after the kids, me. I was injured and couldn't drive for treatment so a friend took me to all my follow up hospital appointments (only an hour away, but still). She has kids and grandkids and works.

I've also helped friends in many ways, whether they are single or not.