He initiated sex but then he said no

[Facito]

I've namechanged for this but I need some outsiders ooo

All participants are allowed to withdraw their consent throughout.

Oops I posted to soon

I need some outsiders opinions. I recently got back with my ex and last night I stayed with him (dont mention Covid as he's my babies father and baby was staying there too). Anyway, last night he was talking dirty and he told me he had an erection, he wanted me to touch it through his trousers so I did but he then said no to actual sex? I obviously respected him and didn't question him etc but I'm just confused and I just feel abit shit about it and I think it's because of me which it might not be so I'm being stupid

@Facito

Oops I posted to soon

I need some outsiders opinions. I recently got back with my ex and last night I stayed with him (dont mention Covid as he's my babies father and baby was staying there too). Anyway, last night he was talking dirty and he told me he had an erection, he wanted me to touch it through his trousers so I did but he then said no to actual sex? I obviously respected him and didn't question him etc but I'm just confused and I just feel abit shit about it and I think it's because of me which it might not be so I'm being stupid

Too*

He's your ex for a reason, right? Id just keep it that way and move forward in your life (imo), not backwards. He sounds like a loser.

@daisychain01

He's your ex for a reason, right? Id just keep it that way and move forward in your life (imo), not backwards. He sounds like a loser.

We decided to try again and so far it's been ok (we've been back together for about a month) although we haven't had sex yet which is why I'm confused

Anyone has a right to withdraw from sex at any point. Forcing someone to carry on once they are no longer willing is rape.

That said, he is an ex for a reason. Shut it down at the dirty talk stage. Dont go back. Go on and find someone who isnt leading you on.

Did you ask him??? Sounds very confusing for you.

Sounds like he's playing games tbh. Quite strange behaviour.

Maybe he's got an STD

Did he actually initiate sex though?
From what you’ve said he just talked dirty and asked you to touch his penis through clothes but that was it.
Was there actually any movement towards sex or was it just you thinking sex was on the cards and being disappointed?

It sounds like you are in different places, you want to go back to having a physical relationship but he isn’t ready yet,
you need to sit down and have a conversation about what you were want and where you stand.

Maybe he changed his mind? Seems a non issue to me tbh.

If you can’t have the conversation with him perhaps it’s best he stays an ex?

@ElementalIllusions

Did he actually initiate sex though? From what you’ve said he just talked dirty and asked you to touch his penis through clothes but that was it. Was there actually any movement towards sex or was it just you thinking sex was on the cards and being disappointed?

It sounds like you are in different places, you want to go back to having a physical relationship but he isn’t ready yet,
you need to sit down and have a conversation about what you were want and where you stand.

I think he was initiating sex because if he wasn't I'm not sure why he asked me to touch his penis?

I didn't ask him last night as I didn't want to seem like I was forcing him or anything so I left him alone.

@BonnyEm

Maybe he's got an STD

This is my instant reaction as well

Anyone has a right to withdraw from sex at any point. Forcing someone to carry on once they are no longer willing is rape

OP has already said she respected his wishes 🙄

Have you spoken to him about it? If you’re giving things a try, it is weird to me that you’ve still not had sex after a month.

*I think he was initiating sex because if he wasn't I'm not sure why he asked me to touch his penis?

I didn't ask him last night as I didn't want to seem like I was forcing him or anything so I left him alone.*

Anything sexual does not equal initiating sex though.
You can want a snog and a quick grope without anything more.

Why would asking make it seem like you were forcing him?

It seems to me like you have major communication issues in your relationship if you can’t simply talk to him outright about sex without worrying that it would be coercive.

It sounds like he initiated some over-the-clothes touching, I can't see the part where he initiated sex.

Have you not talked to him about it for logistical reasons ( like he went to sleep straight after, and has now gone to work)? There’s no chance of you having a relationship with him if you don’t ask him what’s going on and say how you feel.

He could have an STI or he could be being manipulative. As for the poster who thinks that talking dirty and asking for your genitals to be touched is not initiating sex, they are either playing devils advocate or being hugely disingenuous.

@Naunet

Anyone has a right to withdraw from sex at any point. Forcing someone to carry on once they are no longer willing is rape

OP has already said she respected his wishes 🙄

Have you spoken to him about it? If you’re giving things a try, it is weird to me that you’ve still not had sex after a month.

Yes, i find that abit odd aswell especially as he was the one who mentioned us getting back together.

The reason I thought he was initiating sex was because when we were together before he used to talk dirty and would ask me to touch his penis etc.

@Ohyesiam

Have you not talked to him about it for logistical reasons ( like he went to sleep straight after, and has now gone to work)? There’s no chance of you having a relationship with him if you don’t ask him what’s going on and say how you feel.

He could have an STI or he could be being manipulative. As for the poster who thinks that talking dirty and asking for your genitals to be touched is not initiating sex, they are either playing devils advocate or being hugely disingenuous.

Yesterday I didn't speak to him as I didn't want him to think I wasn't respecting him but I would've spoken to him today but he's now at work. I will speak to him though as I'm confused.

Male or female, you don't ask someone to touch you intimately if sex isn't on your mind. Of course he had a right to say no to full on sex but it's a bit weird, seeing as you've previously had sex with him and it's not like he's scared/nervous to go further.
He's either playing games with you, seeing someone else and having sex with them or scared to take it to the next level in case he gets hurt, emotionally. If you want to let it go for now, wait and see if it happens again and then discuss it.

@ItsNotLoveActually

Male or female, you don't ask someone to touch you intimately if sex isn't on your mind. Of course he had a right to say no to full on sex but it's a bit weird, seeing as you've previously had sex with him and it's not like he's scared/nervous to go further. He's either playing games with you, seeing someone else and having sex with them or scared to take it to the next level in case he gets hurt, emotionally. If you want to let it go for now, wait and see if it happens again and then discuss it.

That's what I was thinking and that's why I was confused. I'll speak to him later

I'm going with he's either got an STD or a spot

Did you speak to him, OP?