I don't know what's wrong with me

[Lill1e]

Please can someone help me.. by giving me advice or letting me know if what I'm feeling is normal. I'm really struggling at the moment and am just existing and going through the motions of every day life while having interest in absolutely nothing.
Basically I was in a relationship from age 21 to 23(20 years ago) it was a very serious relationship. We met while working in a different country to which we are both from so we more or less just had one another. We had friends but we spent all of our time with one another whether it be on our own or with our friends. He was 30 when we met so a lot more mature than me at the time. I was 21 and although I loved him I was independent and wanted my own time and time with my friends. He didn't want that. I broke up with him but after a few short months i regretted it and we got back together. Everything was great as far as I was concerned until I noticed a huge change in him. We were such a close couple, we were best friends as well as a couple. We told one another everything and although i was still young and wanted to be out exploring a new country i didn't, I loved him so much that I gave all that up for him. To make a long story short, rumours started going around about him and a work colleague. They both denied it and we stayed together, got on with things but he was never the same person again. He was starting to treat me so differently, like I wasn't important anymore although he kept denying he was cheating. That was until I caught them out together and saw them with my own eyes. My heart literally broke into a million pieces. I told him this and told him I'd love him forever and then I left the country and came home!! And that was it.
I've not seen or heard from him since. I often thought about him over the years and looked out for him on social media etc but never found him. It never really bothered me until about 2 months ago when he came into my head and now I can't stop thinking about that time. Its like its just happened all over again. My heart is broken all over again and its the first thing I think of when I wake up and that's all I think about all day. I long for that time again and I wonder what if... what if I hadn't run away or what if I had been different and hadn't fought with him as much or hadn't taken him for granted maybe. Would we be still together and living a good life? I literally cannot think about anything else and im so worried because its taking over my life and I want the pain to stop! Has anyone ever experienced this before?? Its 20 years ago I don't know why I'm feeling all this now.
I am married and i have 3 beautiful little girls who need my attention. Please can someone help. Thanks and sorry this is such a long post. X

I’d be thinking “what if I hadn’t saddled myself with a cheating scum bag and had actually got to go out and explore the country I was in”!

It’s natural to wonder what if, but fixating on it like this points to something else going on, that you feel that you’re missing in your current life. Take this feeling as a message about your current situation more than it is about him, as it sounds like it wasn’t necessarily a very healthy dynamic between you at the end.

Please can someone help me.. by giving me advice or letting me know if what I'm feeling is normal. I'm really struggling at the moment and am just existing and going through the motions of every day life while having interest in absolutely nothing.
Basically I was in a relationship from age 21 to 23(20 years ago) it was a very serious relationship. We met while working in a different country to which we are both from so we more or less just had one another. We had friends but we spent all of our time with one another whether it be on our own or with our friends. He was 30 when we met so a lot more mature than me at the time. I was 21 and although I loved him I was independent and wanted my own time and time with my friends. He didn't want that. I broke up with him but after a few short months i regretted it and we got back together. Everything was great as far as I was concerned until I noticed a huge change in him. We were such a close couple, we were best friends as well as a couple. We told one another everything and although i was still young and wanted to be out exploring a new country i didn't, I loved him so much that I gave all that up for him. To make a long story short, rumours started going around about him and a work colleague. They both denied it and we stayed together, got on with things but he was never the same person again. He was starting to treat me so differently, like I wasn't important anymore although he kept denying he was cheating. That was until I caught them out together and saw them with my own eyes. My heart literally broke into a million pieces. I told him this and told him I'd love him forever and then I left the country and came home!! And that was it.
I've not seen or heard from him since. I often thought about him over the years and looked out for him on social media etc but never found him. It never really bothered me until about 2 months ago when he came into my head and now I can't stop thinking about that time. Its like its just happened all over again. My heart is broken all over again and its the first thing I think of when I wake up and that's all I think about all day. I long for that time again and I wonder what if... what if I hadn't run away or what if I had been different and hadn't fought with him as much or hadn't taken him for granted maybe. Would we be still together and living a good life? I literally cannot think about anything else and im so worried because its taking over my life and I want the pain to stop! Has anyone ever experienced this before?? Its 20 years ago I don't know why I'm feeling all this now. I am now married with 3 beautiful little girls who need my attention. Please can someone help. Thanks and sorry this is such a long post. X

If you were happy in your marriage, you wouldn't be giving this headspace. So sort out the problems you are having in front of you.
It sounds like your ex was controlling and had lack of trust in others because he knew how much of a cheat he was. You missed nothing by leaving him and as you say missed out on travel and exploration by being with him.

Are you feeling bored or unloved in your marriage?

Usually when things like this occur it’s a sort of escapism from reality, when life becomes mundane, and bogged down in stress and routine we think of things that were, or could have been. The reality is that bloke was a cheating scumbag and you’d never have been happy with him, you’d likely have just ended up totally messed up and heartbroken etc.

Do you get time out to be you? Relax and de stress etc?

It could be unresolved grief, that has surfaced again. Did you give yourself time or allow yourse of to grieve the end of the relationship? We often feel under a lot of pressure to get on with things and to go about our everyday business as normal, and in doing so we put our feelings and on the back burner. Something has now triggered these emotions to wake up.as such. I would Google unresolved grief, which is also a common symptom for anxiety.

It could be unresolved grief. Maybe at the time of the break up you didn't allow yourself to grieve him ? Now something has triggered these emotions back to the surface.

It could be unresolved grief, that has surfaced again. Did you give yourself time or allow yourse of to grieve the end of the relationship? We often feel under a lot of pressure to get on with things and to go about our everyday business as normal, and in doing so we put our feelings and on the back burner. Something has now triggered these emotions to wake up.as such. I would Google unresolved grief, which is also a common symptom for anxiety.

I'd suggest some therapy tbh. Sounds like intrusive thoughts and rumination.

I totally appreciate what each of you have said. I'm been telling myself the same thing for 20 years that he was a horrible cheat but lately I've been thinking about the type of person I was myself back then. I was young, I was in a new country but maybe I took him for granted a bit and didn't treat him as well as he treated me?? Maybe if I hadn't done or said something stupid things I did say and do, we might have been able to make it work. The worst thing is I don't know why.. I don't know why he did it to me. We we so close. Losing him was like losing both my arms. Thats why I had to leave the country. I couldn't survive there without him. Moonface I do feel like I didn't deal with it at the time and just put it to the back of my mind and got on with life. My parents knew about him but didn't approve and my friends were all glad I was home and just wanted me out every night so I don't know if i ever really spoke about it to anyone. Maybe if I had had someone to talk to or had more support I would have made a different decision. I really don't want to feel like this I love my husband, granted after 13+ years together the honeymoon period is over but he's a good man and my girls are my life so I really just want to feel normal again.

I totally appreciate what each of you have said. I'm been telling myself the same thing for 20 years that he was a horrible cheat but lately I've been thinking about the type of person I was myself back then. I was young, I was in a new country but maybe I took him for granted a bit and didn't treat him as well as he treated me?? Maybe if I hadn't done or said something stupid things I did say and do, we might have been able to make it work. The worst thing is I don't know why.. I don't know why he did it to me. We we so close. Losing him was like losing both my arms. Thats why I had to leave the country. I couldn't survive there without him. Moonface I do feel like I didn't deal with it at the time and just put it to the back of my mind and got on with life. My parents knew about him but didn't approve and my friends were all glad I was home and just wanted me out every night so I don't know if i ever really spoke about it to anyone. Maybe if I had had someone to talk to or had more support I would have made a different decision. I really don't want to feel like this I love my husband, granted after 13+ years together the honeymoon period is over but he's a good man and my girls are my life so I really just want to feel normal again.

Wow didn't realise I posted that comment so many times!

It's alright, Mumsnet is glitchy today.

I think you should probably try some counselling - these are intrusive obsessive thoughts. I don't think it's actually about this man - it's about something else in your life.

I think something I saw recently which had to do with him and the girl he created with brought everything back to me. I don't know if they're still together and I'll probably never know but she did all the things I was supposed to do with him, including have kids.