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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Really need advice please.

11 replies

Jcre · 12/05/2021 13:45

Snoring. Not me, my partner. I've just spent the last 2 nights awake listening to it. Over the last year it's got worse and worse. Every week I'm being deprived of sleep and wake up shattered. Last night I roamed the streets until 3am then sat in the garden. I turned my key in the door and yet again all I hear is snoring, so I took the car keys and walked straight back out and sat in the car until 5am. I'm exhausted to the point of tears and here's the rub, he refuses to acknowledge there's even an issue with his snoring. In his head it's me with the issue and it's all about how I need to go and do something so that I can sleep at night. But I CAN'T sleep at night because of his snoring! He will then accuse me of sleeping all day and that's why I can't sleep at night and I should stop sleeping in the daytime. Well if I can't sleep at night or in the daytime when the hell am I supposed to sleep? Practically every night I have to wake him up to make him stop, I've told him several times I wake up exhausted because of his snoring, and all he says is this is the first he's ever heard of it being an issue. It's not. The problem is he just buries his head in the sand and refuses point blank to acknowledge his snoring exists . I even recorded it last night and played it back to him. He told me that couldn't have been a recording of him because he was awake when I recorded him snoring. He even told me that I'm just mad and I'm like living with a nightmare. How the hell do you deal with an issue like this with someone who doesn't even acknowledge they snore, even when you record them? I've just texted him at work begging him to talk to his Dr about sleep apnea and to go to the chemist and get some throat spray for snoring and at least try to take proactive action himself to try and help, but in my heart I know he'll come home with nothing and I'll lay awake all night again and he'll tell me it must be my fault I can't sleep because I'm not tired. I don't want this to be the end for us but there's no spare room, it's a studio. My only escape is walking the streets or the cold car. I even got told off last night for setting the car alarm off for 3 seconds when I got in. I just don't see a way forward with someone who will not even accept they snore. I can't roam the streets again tonight, I'm exhausted by this nightly sleep deprivation and just want to cry. Why can't he see his snoring is causing problems in our relationship? I don't even want to share the bed with him tonight because I just want to sleep but I can't go anywhere. All I'm after is some compromise but all I seem to get us that it's all about how I need to go and do something to tire me out because it's my problem I can't sleep. In his head nothing is about him considering perhaps hus snoring gas got progressively worse, it's all about how it's everyone else around him who's the problem. I'm even weighing up asking him to leave if he won't address it and do something about it, but I don't want snoring to end our relationship. How do I stay sane please?

OP posts:
Jcre · 12/05/2021 14:03

Maybe I just need to shove some earplugs up his nostrils. 😳

OP posts:
Palavah · 12/05/2021 14:07

If you have to ask him to leave it will have been his stubbornness and refusal to listen to your concerns that will have precipitated it, not simply his snoring.

thinziggy · 12/05/2021 14:08

Grinit's an option.
Seems he needs to acknowledge the problem first. Could you record him when he is snoring so you have some kind of proof to convince him how bad it is? My husband snores but not all the time. When it really pisses me off I can sleep downstairs at a push on a bad night. Sounds terrible having to go for a walk at night to escape.

Jcre · 12/05/2021 14:20

I did record him last night. He told me the recording wasn't him because he was awake when I recorded it. Looks like the crunch talk text after last night might have penetrated somewhere. He just called me and told me he's waiting for a call from the Dr to see if he does have sleep apnea and is going to buy some spray today to see if it makes a difference. I've been and got some foam earplugs and a pair of marigolds do if the spray doesn't work I can insert the bottle somewhere......

OP posts:
crystalize · 12/05/2021 14:58

I cant believe you are putting up with this, this is insanity! Hes a selfish prick who does not give a fuck about your wellbeing. Sleep deprivation is a form of torture. This is so serious, stop underplaying it. I know you dont want the relationship to end but you need to really think about this. He doesn't care that his partner was out roaming the streets the early hours, he sounds like hes gaslighting you making you out to be the mad one. Seriously I would kick him out.

If roles were reversed you would be doing anything to try and sort it. I repeat he does not care about you.

Jcre · 12/05/2021 18:00

It does sound insane. It would be do much easier with someone prepared to accept there might be an issue they can address themselves.

OP posts:
litterbird · 12/05/2021 18:07

Snoring can seriously ruin relationships; I left one due to the problem (along with other problems). We tried everything over the counter and then to Harley street for a minor surgery at the back of the throat. Nothing worked and it got worse. My job meant I had to ensure I was fit to work and had to tick a box on a computer to say that. I had an important job that had to be safe and people on top of their game within that job. My mental health was being affected with the sleep deprivation. He did acknowledge it eventually after I recorded him many times. He down played it until I was left crying downstairs in the morning unable to cope with the lack of sleep. His snoring was off the chart though. It sadly ruined our relationship. It was some years ago and since then if I was dating anyone my first question was always if they snored! OP try doctors, over the counter stuff and anything you can thow at it before you make any other decisions.

Jcre · 12/05/2021 18:25

Thank you litterbird. That's exactly how I felt this morning. I don't want to have to make big decisions over something like snoring and I really don't want this to ruin the relationship. It would be so much easier if I could bigger off to another room but I don't have that option sadly so I think I'm going to have to try to throw everything else at it first. I might even end up throwing a brick too if I'm not careful lol

OP posts:
pog100 · 12/05/2021 18:53

By telling him to leave or leaving yourself. He isn't respecting you, he isn't kind. The only way you might make him notice is splitting and telling people why. Just do it, this is ridiculous.

Ripley1977 · 12/05/2021 20:30

My partner bought a nasal/throat spray from Amazon, it hasnt stopped the snoring but it's definitely not as loud.... I'm glad he has phoned the GP he cant keep putting it on you, the selfish dick! It's not safe to be wandering the streets or sleeping in your car. Take care of yourself, sleep is very important !Flowers

osbertthesyrianhamster · 12/05/2021 20:34

You solve it by sleeping some place else.

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