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Original poster

Only staying for companionship

19 replies

Dailydingo · 12/05/2021 13:35

Been with DH for 20 years. I only stay for companionship. I know that is wrong and shallow of me but without DHs friends - who include us on week-ends away, parties, holidays etc - then I would be invited to very little. I have a few friends but they are all very flaky and don't arrange anything like BBQs etc as its not their thing and they don't turn up when I invite them over for parties, BBQs etc. I have 1 very close friend and through her I'm part of a wider circle but its not at the stage where I could contact the wider circle without my friend.

It would be so embarrassing to meet a new man (eventually) and introduce him to my 1 close friend and then the other 2 who I see on a very occasional bases (which is their choice).

My close friend called me needy the other day and I was very taken back and a bit pissed off tbh. I'm only needy because I have very little friends whereas she is Miss Popularity and the circle I'm involved with - through her - revolves all around her, which she loves as it makes her the centre of attention. I'm an only child which makes it harder as no siblings to meet up with etc.

I feel like I have to stay with DH for the companionship, despite being unhappy - but happy for the short period when we have other friends with/around us from the invites we get from them.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 12/05/2021 13:38

Your poor DH. You're using him for access to his friends. How would he feel do you think if he knew that the only reason you bother with him is because you can't make your own friends?

Leave him, and make your own friends. Maybe when you're happier you'll be better able to make new friends and grow as a person. You don't need to find a new man. You need to find you.

Flyg · 12/05/2021 15:26

Sorry OP but I agree, you should let your DH go and find someone who loves him and doesnt use him for his social circle.

Besides, they are not really your friends from the way you describe them. Make the break now and give both of you the chance to find something real.

wanadu2022 · 12/05/2021 16:38

This is incredibly self pitying! You do have the ability to make your own friends. However, it takes effort and requires you to put yourself out there. Being an only child is NO excuse. I'm one too and also an immigrant to the country where I knew no one - I have still managed to make a network of friends without a man. I'm not a super human or 'Miss Popularity' - I just reach out to people and don't expect friendships to just fall into my lap.

You're using your husband. And also using your friend (you sound quite bitter and jealous of her - it's not her job to build a friendship group for you). To attract friends, you need stop using people, and actually take an active interest in them and their lives, in being a good friend to them - and not just looking at what they can do for you.

Have you ever considered WHY you don't have any friends? That maybe it is you, and not everyone else's fault. Please do the right thing and leave your husband so he can find someone who actually loves him. Stop wasting his time, and go make something of your own life.

wanadu2022 · 12/05/2021 16:38

This is incredibly self pitying! You do have the ability to make your own friends. However, it takes effort and requires you to put yourself out there. Being an only child is NO excuse. I'm one too and also an immigrant to the country where I knew no one - I have still managed to make a network of friends without a man. I'm not a super human or 'Miss Popularity' - I just reach out to people and don't expect friendships to just fall into my lap.

You're using your husband. And also using your friend (you sound quite bitter and jealous of her - it's not her job to build a friendship group for you). To attract friends, you need stop using people, and actually take an active interest in them and their lives, in being a good friend to them - and not just looking at what they can do for you.

Have you ever considered WHY you don't have any friends? That maybe it is you, and not everyone else's fault. Please do the right thing and leave your husband so he can find someone who actually loves him. Stop wasting his time, and go make something of your own life.

Lozzerbmc · 12/05/2021 18:57

Why dont you have many friends? I think you need to think about this. I’m quite a reserved person but have never found it difficult to make friends. You can start by being interested in others and then you find common ground and interests. I agree with others it sound like your poor DH is being used. Why are you unhappy with him?

katy1213 · 12/05/2021 19:11

Your poor husband. It would serve you right if he dumped you for being such a user. You're not just needy; you sound bitter and resentful. get out there and make some friends of your own.

AbyssAtBay · 12/05/2021 19:15

So not his companionship, but the companionship of his friends? That's really ridiculous. They can't be that amazing, go meet your own friends!

katy1213 · 12/05/2021 19:34

And why can't you contact the wider circle without your friend? You don't need an intermediary; you're forcing her into the same role as your husband.

Original poster
Dailydingo · 12/05/2021 20:40

@katy1213 - totally. But how do I do that ? My friend did say to me that her friends are mine and if me and her ever fell out then she wouldn't expect the wider group to fall out with me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dailydingo · 12/05/2021 20:44

If I had a firm set of friends then I would feel more able to leave

OP posts:
AbyssAtBay · 12/05/2021 20:47

I don't see why meeting a new man and introducing him to a few friends would be embarrassing? Honestly after a big break up losing friends is quite normal. Being single for a while would give you the chance to meet some new friends independent of your DH and other friend.

katy1213 · 12/05/2021 20:50

Why are you expecting to fall out with anybody? I don't have contingency plans with friends in case we fall out! We're adults; we don't fall out and if necessary we agree to differ.
As for how do you contact these friends - well, you phone/text/e-mail/whatever and ask them if they'd like to meet for a coffee/drink/walk/outing -it doesn't have to be a big deal.

AnneLovesGilbert · 12/05/2021 20:54

If you’re thinking of meeting someone else you should leave your husband. What else are you using him for?

Get your own better circle of friends. Or think about why you don’t have them now. None of this is his problem.

MadMadMadamMim · 12/05/2021 20:57

You do sound hard work, and I'm not entirely surprised you lack friends.

You don't appear to like your DH much. You don't appear to like your best friend much. whereas she is Miss Popularity and the circle I'm involved with - through her - revolves all around her, which she loves as it makes her the centre of attention. This was a really bitchy comment and goes a long way to suggesting why you haven't many friends.

I think you need to take a long look at how you interract with people and work out how to make some friends. Staying with a man you don't want to be with just because he has friends and you don't is really odd.

Oblomov21 · 12/05/2021 21:11

Your poor Dh.
Why don't you have any friends? This should be your concern.

AnneLovesGilbert · 12/05/2021 21:12

You’re not alone OP. One of my friends, who I know through her husband who I’ve known for decades has said similar in the past. She’s convinced if they finally end their utter shit show of a marriage, that she moans about often, she’ll lose our group to do things with. That’s not inevitable, we’ve navigated a bunch of divorces in the past and no one’s been excluded except my ex who was a bastard and finally showed his true colours, and the ex wife of another friend who had many affairs and no one liked much before anyway. If this pair do get divorced and she’s not invited to things in future it’ll be in large part because a lot of the time all she does is talk about how awful their marriage is and she’s mean to him in front of people which makes everyone cringe and he’s easy going and people love him, so it’ll come down to who’s easier to spend time with.

SleepingStandingUp · 12/05/2021 21:15

@Dailydingo

If I had a firm set of friends then I would feel more able to leave
Maybe if you were a happier person you'd find it easier to make friends
ItsNotLoveActually · 12/05/2021 23:30

I think you've unfairly been given a hard time here OP. It's not unusual for one partner to have a more active circle of friends. I know a lot of people who stay in relationships because outwardly they have a great life - socialise as a couple - but behind closed doors, not so happy.

HollowTalk · 12/05/2021 23:33

Why are you unhappy with your husband? I can absolutely see your point but when it's just the two of you, if you're unhappy, then it's not worth staying.

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