Ending a short term relationship and feel awful

[AbyssAtBay]

Hi all
I'm thinking of ending a short 4-month relationship and feel awful. I don't even know why I want to end it - he's nice, I just feel rubbish. I have a horrible feeling I'm going to regret it and the thought of getting back into the dating scene is making me squirm with dread.

I just don't know what to do - how do you know if you should keep going or end it? I don't trust my feelings. I'm a very anxious person in general. i'm worried I am just anxious about a new relationship and running from it for the wrong reasons?

There are no red flags with this guy - or at least none I have seen. I'm just not sure it's working, but no idea why.

:(

There must be something that makes you think it won't work! What's the first thing that springs to mind?

sorry I know it's a bit ridiculous - but it's all on feelings.

First things that spring to mind:

I just want to be on my own! But I know that once I'm on my own, I'll feel lonely! I came out a LTR early last year and I left because my DP suffocated me. I can feel it happening again and don't seem able to stop it.

My overwhelming feeling is I'm not ready for this. When we see each other it's nice enough, but sadly I feel a slight relief when I go home alone, or he leaves.

I'm really struggling to articulate this! Ultimately, it just doesn't feel right or the right time.

This last year has been odd because of covid. I had split from my ex for a year before I even wanted to start dating. Had a few short relationships, had fun, loved my independence and had really high standards in who I dated. I am loved up now with a perfect (for me) man. But I know that if we were to break up that I would still have a great life. He is the icing on a great life.

I kind of understand this and go in and out of this feeling with my partner (a year and a half in now).

I go from being so happy and content to completely anxious and worrying if the feelings are real on both sides.

I worry this means we are not right for him but I am also quite an anxious person so I don't know what to believe.

*not right for each other

Do it.

My girlfriend of over a year has just broken up with me and apparently she was fed up for ages but didn't do anything about it.

She was probably unsure like you are at a similar point but we carried on and I wish it had happened earlier as I feel like I've been strung along.

Yeah, my greatest worry is that I string him along. And I think that's why I'm thinking of ending it. I definitely don't want to do that.

I keep thinking, if I have such major uncertainties and doubts then it's just simply not right - there doesn't always have to be a reason? Gosh it's hard.

The lockdown etc has been odd - I think now things are opening up a bit I realise this isn't what I want.

I just hate that niggling doubt that I'm making a big mistake.

In what way do you feel suffocated?

@ravenmum

In what way do you feel suffocated?

In my last relationship, I was so passive. I just did what he wanted all he time, or to keep the peace, he also didn't like me to spend time alone doing my own activities, so I felt like a beetle in a jar.

A lot of it was myself being a people pleaser and highly sensitive to the slightest negative atmosphere (I've been working on that and trying to be more assertive). In that sense, I felt I lost my identity/sense of self.

I can feel it happening again before my very eyes and I'm annoyed at myself.

Is he maybe a bit full on for your liking? Some people can be TOO touchy feely/lovey dovey and if you’re not into that or used to it, it can feel slightly suffocating.

It’s one of the things I love most about my DP he’s really affectionate and sweet, but at first - because I wasn’t used to anyone paying me attention, it felt a bit suffocating and alien. I questioned my feelings and our relationship, but ultimately he was everything I’d ever wanted and now I’m used to it and like I said it’s something I love most about him. I still do need my alone time though I won’t lie comes with being an introvert at heart.

Really you need to do what makes you happy, it’s possible you’re just not a good match for each other and in that case the sooner you end it the better.

Is he maybe a bit full on for your liking? Some people can be TOO touchy feely/lovey dovey and if you’re not into that or used to it, it can feel slightly suffocating.

It’s one of the things I love most about my DP he’s really affectionate and sweet, but at first - because I wasn’t used to anyone paying me attention, it felt a bit suffocating and alien. I questioned my feelings and our relationship, but ultimately he was everything I’d ever wanted and now I’m used to it and like I said it’s something I love most about him. I still do need my alone time though I won’t lie comes with being an introvert at heart.

Really you need to do what makes you happy, it’s possible you’re just not a good match for each other and in that case the sooner you end it the better.

Is he maybe a bit full on for your liking? Some people can be TOO touchy feely/lovey dovey and if you’re not into that or used to it, it can feel slightly suffocating.

It’s one of the things I love most about my DP he’s really affectionate and sweet, but at first - because I wasn’t used to anyone paying me attention, it felt a bit suffocating and alien. I questioned my feelings and our relationship, but ultimately he was everything I’d ever wanted and now I’m used to it and like I said it’s something I love most about him. I still do need my alone time though I won’t lie comes with being an introvert at heart.

Really you need to do what makes you happy, it’s possible you’re just not a good match for each other and in that case the sooner you end it the better.

How about if you try to right that situation by doing what you like - being really assertive - and see what happens? If he makes a fuss it will give you the perfect opportunity to end it; otherwise you''ll hopefully feel better.

When have you felt like you were people-pleasing, for instance?

How about if you try to right that situation by doing what you like - being really assertive - and see what happens? If he makes a fuss it will give you the perfect opportunity to end it; otherwise you''ll hopefully feel better.

When have you felt like you were people-pleasing, for instance?

I know I sound pathetic. I've tried being assertive - he doesn't make a fuss but I just feel naturally like a passenger in life - I'm easily swayed to do what others want. I hate it but I can't seem to change it.

Sorry - thanks for the advice all, I'm going to talk to him tomorrow and see.

OP, could you be a HSP? May explain some of your feelings/sensitivities: hsperson.com/test/highly-sensitive-test/

It doesn't sound as though you're ready for a new relationship after your previous LTR. Trust your gut. I know this is cheesy but concentrate on yourself.

You don't sound pathetic; you sound like someone who wants to work on perceived flaws while also being kind and decent to others.
Hope the chat goes well.

I think if you know it's not working then it's not working, and if it goes on much longer it will be harder on both of you, and you'll resent the extra time it took you.

Good luck

Also the fact that you've described it as a short term relationship rather than a new relationship is telling.

Thank you all for taking the time to reply.

We had a long chat, he listened, was very kind and responsive. We've decided to end things for now.

Naturally now I cannot stop crying. But I'll see how it goes over the next few days/weeks.

I need a bit of time to re-find who I am.

Nice to hear about a kind conversation between a couple of decent people for a change! Hope that you get to a place where a partner is a nice but unnecessary addition to your life.

Well done on taking the plunge. Not always an easy thing to do.