Perspective / Silent Treatment

[whoknowsmyname]

Hi everyone. Looking for feedback

My partner gives me the silent treatment. Not completely silent, she will answer basic things if I ask but she won't say hello and won't look at me or it's a look that I know says she doesn't want to really look at me.

I've upset her, I know I have but this has been the way for 10 years. When I upset her she can revert to this mode. Her reasons will be that she is so upset that she doesn't know what to say or needs time but I just don't work like this. I feel she should communicate in some way how she feels and just get it over with, shout at me if she wants to, she can still be upset with me, I don't mind the upset but the semi silent treatment is not okay anymore.

I've not had many relationships, but I know that in all the relationships I've had I/We have never given each other the silent treatment and I've never done it either in the past or now.

I know everyone is different but I am unable to accept anymore that silent treatment is okay no matter how upset you might be. So I'm looking for perspectives.

Thanks

I would have dumped someone who gives me the silent treatment as it's a form of punishment, usually something learned from your parents. My mum used to do it.

Adults don't punish each other or put each other on the naughty step. She says that she just needs time and space to calm down which is fine but it's not ok to ignore you or give you the silent treatment. Have you considered relationship counselling? It might help with learning new ways of how to argue and communication skills.

I'm also wondering what she gets out of it as it's usually a controlling/power tactic. Do you start apologising and feel guilty and do what you can to start talking again including give in? If so, that's what she's getting out of it.

Hi OP, sorry you're experiencing this.

My ex was the same and it eventually escalated to days on end in which he would refuse to engage in conversation until it suited him. Regardless if it's a couple of hours, days, or weeks, it's a form of emotional abuse, and the anguish that it can cause whilst the person who claims to love you purposely ignores you is detrimental to YOU.

Have a serious talk with her, she needs to work on her communication skills and if she refuses to change or acknowledge what she is doing wrong then I think you know what you need to do as you don't deserve to put up with that.

Sending support

My 'd'f - amongst many other things - did this to me for years, both when I was growing up and into my adult life to the age of 55 in fact. - once it lasted for 6 months. It made me ill, feel guilty, nauseous, a people pleaser, a worrier, every time I visited.

Several years ago I went no contact, and now feel so much better.

Please, please do not accept that this is how your life has to be. You are not responsible for their behaviour, they are. Walk away, controlling people - because this is what they are - never change.

@IFiredUpTheQuattro

My 'd'f - amongst many other things - did this to me for years, both when I was growing up and into my adult life to the age of 55 in fact. - once it lasted for 6 months. It made me ill, feel guilty, nauseous, a people pleaser, a worrier, every time I visited.

Several years ago I went no contact, and now feel so much better.

Please, please do not accept that this is how your life has to be. You are not responsible for their behaviour, they are. Walk away, controlling people - because this is what they are - never change.

Same happened to me but with my mum. The last time she gave me the silent treatment was on Christmas Day. I tried to call her over the next couple of days but she ignored my calls and didn't call me back. I blocked her and haven't spoken to her since. My silence has now been five years.

@username12345T

Exactly. It's been hard for me to handle and I am usually the one to break first. As childish as it sounds, this time I'm now ignoring her and just getting on with it. No doubt she will turn around to me and say I was ignoring her but I'm not. The very next day I tried to talk to her and be normal, said good morning and all that, now I'm just who cares, if you don't want to talk then I'll just get on with my stuff.

@Newbie96

That's what I think. She doesn't have the ability to communicate. I've tried. I might have a little rant, but then I am done, she does this.

[quote whoknowsmyname]@username12345T

Exactly. It's been hard for me to handle and I am usually the one to break first. As childish as it sounds, this time I'm now ignoring her and just getting on with it. No doubt she will turn around to me and say I was ignoring her but I'm not. The very next day I tried to talk to her and be normal, said good morning and all that, now I'm just who cares, if you don't want to talk then I'll just get on with my stuff.[/quote]
You don't sound childish at all, it's infuriating and very hurtful. It's done as a power play in order to get you to do what she wants. As such it's a well known abuse tactic.

I've told you that had I been in a relationship with someone like that, I would have dumped them at the first sign as it's the tip of the iceberg. It's an indicator of immaturity and lack of appropriate communication skills. It's an indicator of someone who wants their own way and who uses silence as a punishment.

It's a way of training you up to do what she wants as you don't want to be ignored. It's a withdrawal of love and intimacy. It's horrible behaviour.

I would continue to ignore her back. Then, she'll either become more hostile or she'll break out of it but it will just keep happening. I would either finish the relationship or try to resolve it with counselling.

@username12345T

I know all this, but can I get her to see that it's not okay. No. It's always 'I just need some time to get over things.' Done with it now.

I need perspective because when she talks to me again she will say the above and I need to be ready to say and stand firm by the fact that 'No matter how upset you are, there is no excuse for giving me the silent treatment. Grown ups don't do that!'

@Newbie96

Thank you.

Abuse is NOT about communication or a perceived lack of, its about power and control.

Your partner is abusing you emotionally by controlling you in such

a manner. She will not change and you can only change how you react to her. This is learnt behaviour on her part, its more than likely that one or even both her parents behave the self same.

Joint counselling is NEVER recommended either when there is abuse of any type within the relationship. I would absolutely urge you to make plans to leave her; as painful to you as it is you only get one life and what you are describing is awful. Don't waste the next decade hanging around and or waiting for her to have an epiphany; she does this because she can and it works for her.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

You will NEVER get her to see this is not okay. Again she does this because she can, she feels entitled to treat you like this and it works for her.

Many abusers also are quite plausible to those in the outside world.

I would think she is also plausible to those in the outside world, it is for you solely that her abuse is directed at.

She is angry because she is abusive, not because she is angry.

She has a problem with anger, YOUR anger when you rightly call her out on her unreasonable behaviour.

Do you have children; if so what are you both teaching them about relationships here?. Look closely at what your partner learnt from her parents; she learnt how to abuse. This is NO relationship model for them to be learning from.

Another perspective/question.

She has a counsellor at the moment, just temproary for the last few weeks. Not a proper counsellor kind of like a health(ish) coach.

This woman asked her....

'Can you tell me a time in your childhood or in life when you felt happy / free?'

She couldn't answer it at all and got quite upset about that. She literally could not think of anything and me being me tried to say surely there must be a time you can remeber and she couldn't.

What are you're thoughts on that??

To me that is not normal. I'm not going to say I had the best childhood or life ever but I've got plenty of things to feel happy and eleated about.

You need to leave. This is abuse.

Just going to bump this. Won't do it again. Thanks everyone.

I hope you can resolve this. But everyone has said its unacceptable. I don't think you should dwell too much on what her counsellor says. I don't see how if helps you. Why not have a counselling session yourself. And maybe you can sort out some way forward for the future. Evdn if it means splitting up.

Ask her to write down how she feels. She may have processing issues.

Does it come out eventually? Hours or days later?

I would say that’s she’s probably had a childhood that was emotionally neglectful or traumatic, she probably never witnessed conflict being resolved correctly and now cannot resolve any conflict herself without resorting to stonewalling. Your first step needs to be you making her aware that this is unacceptable to you and that a consequence of this could be you leaving her. This will give her the opportunity to reflect upon her behaviour and make a conscious decision as to whether she wishes to address it.

Maybe there’s a disconnect in communication. It’s impossible to say on a forum, from one person only, if what you see as your ‘little rants’ and her ‘silent treatment’, are the same as what she may see as ‘rants’ (maybe scary to her if disruptive childhood/currently in some form of counselling) and being ‘silent’ to try and avoid saying anything to set you off.

Just for anyone reading who has had to walk on eggshells and be silent as a defence mechanism - I believe intention is part of the context, though it doesn’t mean anyone has to stay if they are being negatively impacted/abused.

Not everyone will have a compatible communication style, be open to therapy of any kind, nor be able/want to change, and no-one should be forced to stay in a relationship that is making them miserable rather than being a loving, fulfilled and mutually respectful one.