Fed up with men. Time for a change?

[InterstellarOverdrive]

I'm going through a really sad and depressing break up at the moment and feel I've been betrayed by a few men over the years. I always seem to pick the wrong person. Current partner is intimidating. Previous partner verbally and emotionally abusive.
At this point I'm wondering if there's any point in pursuing a relationship with a man again. I've never had a relationship with a woman but have experimented in my younger years and probably consider myself bisexual, although I've only had relationships with men.
I'm sick of being intimidated and feeling threatened in my home and I don't think I'd feel that way if I was with a woman.
Has anyone else felt this way and decided no more men? I'm sure lesbian relationships have their own problems but has anyone made this change in their late 30's and felt their life improved because of it? I also have 2dc so it would be a big change for them too. I feel bad that both my children's fathers have let me and them down so badly. I'm so sick of male aggression and sometimes feel we would all be better off without it.

Do you think it might benefit you to take a considerable period of time to be just you and your kids? A relationship isn't compulsory is it? You might need time to clear your head and reset your boundaries. I'm not sure it makes a whole lot of difference what sex your partner is really. It's more about choosing wisely and perhaps you'd consider doing the Freedom Program?

My friend did this. Always thought she was bi but had always been with crappy men, all letting her down. She's now 40 and has bought a place with her girlfriend of a few years. She seems very happy and settled and I envy their peace as there doesn't seem to be so much inequality between them. Give it a go I say!

How can you be helped into getting rid of your abuser?. Someone who is intimidating should not be in your home. The break up may well be sad and depressing but its a process you have to go through because you will then emerge on the other side.

What are your boundaries like here; these have likely been affected by past abuse and this man seems to be further mashing those now. You need to completely reassess your whole approach to relationships along with loving your own self for a change and that is easier said than done. Therapy here with regards all that could help you no end. Abusive partners are not solely male and you could find yourself in an abusive relationship with a female, your boundaries have been further weakened here and another relationship is the last thing you need now.

On a far wider level what did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. What were your parents like here, both of them likely taught you very damaging lessons about relationships and it all needs to be unlearnt.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?.

I would also urge you to have a look at the Freedom Programme and do this online.

Your post comes across a bit as trying a same sex relationship as a last hope, rather than because it’s an area you’ve never explored but felt was missing.

Women can be just as abusive as men. There will be abusive people across all sexualities. Rather than swearing off men, I think you’d be better doing some counselling to explore why you are attracted to these type of people. Then, you can open yourself up to the idea of a relationship, either with a man or woman, that doesn’t display these abusive tendencies.

Oh yes, the intention is to stay single for a good while. I did the freedom programme after I split from my ex. I understand abuse but somehow still ended up with an unsuitable man.

That's encouraging that your friend is happy with her gf. I know a few lesbian couples and they seem happy.

I work with alot of people who are in same sex relationships, from the chat at the coffee machine all relationships can have the same problems, infertility/abuse/infedility/as well as the usual moans lol.
I don't mean this to sound nasty so please bear with me but sometimes we attract what we think we deserve. I'm in no way blaming you but I'm saying sometimes although we don't look for or deserve abusive treatment there are reasons why some people find them selves in the same relationship model over and over.
I've had a few shitty ones myself, the last being horrific. Won't go into details but extremely abusive and eventually physically too. The first and last time he attacked me (quite a traumatic attack) I realised that I was letting this happen. This isn't me blaming myself he abused me, but I realised it was my responsibility to save myself from further abuse. The police referred me for counselling, which I embraced. And I realised that all my life I've given more in relationships than I got back, that I got let down and went back for more. That I kept on repeating the same behaviours but then wondering why I kept attracting the same men.
I'm single 4 years now I'm not in any rush but in all honesty I think part of the reason I'm still single is because I've finally managed to crack the code. I've done so much work on myself that there are men men who I know 5 years ago I wouldve dated, now I avoid them with a barge pole. If that means I stay single forever so be it, but what I have learned (and again no blame) but I only get treated bad if I let someone treat me bad. They get to choose how they treat me, I get to choose whether I walk or not. It's funny though because what I have noticed (before lockdown) is that alot of men that will treat you bad tend to have some kind of radar for vulnerability, it's as though the know immediately who will take their crap and who won't, they avoid the latter as they know their shit won't be tolerated.

@AttilaTheMeerkat sound advice there, thank you. My mum is long term single after a damaging marriage to her alcoholic ex-h, who I grew up with unfortunately. He was an awful man. I only saw my dad on weekends so didn't see they dynamics of his relationships much but his ex wife was a strong and confident woman. My dad is kind, if a bit spineless and selfish. My sister also has troubles with abusive men in her life, much worse troubles than me in fact, probably because of her dad (my mums ex-h).

I think resetting the boundaries is definitely needed. I seem to be attracted to men who appear confident and talented but they always seem to have hidden demons.

@ALittleBitConfused1 yeah I look back now and I see my mistakes staring me in the face and I'm like "why didn't I walk? What was I thinking?!" But I know I'll never make that mistake again. I knew in my gut that my current partner was not right for me but I persevered none the less. Largely because of unexpected dc. It's shame because I see why these men have turned out the way they are. Their families have been abusive and they experienced it growing up therefore think it is somehow acceptable to behave in such a way. Although I know there are many who choose not to emulate the abuse they saw growing up so it's no excuse really.

This is why I asked you what you learnt about relationships when you were growing up. It all needs unlearning and for that you're going to have to put a lot of emotional work in to do this. Resetting your boundaries and addressing any codependency issues is key.

Your sister sadly has the same sort of issues with men for the same reasons; all that dysfunction became your norm. No-one ever bothered to show you what a mutually respectful relationship is like and your sister and you still do not know.

Thank you. I'll look in to codependancy, I think I have this problem. I struggle being single but I know it's necessary now to grow and change for the better.

Like you I have had an abusive ex and seem to have attracted Narcissistic men that have lied and cheated. I am now 49 and given up with men. Friends have joked saying I should think about a relationship with a women but I am not attracted to women. However I have a work colleague that was married and was attracted to her friend and they both ended their marriages to be together. She said women think alike and it was that sensitive, thoughtfulness that attracted her but that said it was a toxic volatile relationship as her partner had jealousy issues and almost became the 'male dominant' in the relationship so I guess it really depends on the person - whether its a man or a woman relationships are hard work

I think that unless you do some work on yourself and your own self-esteem you could well end up with the same situation but with a woman instead of a man.
I would suggest you give yourself time now to concentrate on your own needs and wants, to invest time in any interests you have or new interests, spend time with friends having fun etc.
Once you feel "yourself" coming back and you feel more confident and stronger, then you could begin to explore relationships again. By "yourself" coming back I mean that sometimes in bad relationships the person you actually are disappears or is changed- this happened to me during my last 5 year relationship. I just wasn't "me" anymore. Now 2 years on I'm starting to feel more like "me". I'm not quite there yet but it's coming.

Then you will be in a better position to start meeting new people - if you're sexually attracted to women then no reason why you shouldn't also date women (on OLD for example). Just don't do it if you're not really into women but would rather have one than a man IYSWIM.
Just don't expect relatonships with women to be easier or rosier.
I know two lesbian couples who are constantly falling out and getting back together again.....

I know realistically I will have to spend quite some time single. I'm just not looking forward to the prospect. I've only been single for about 2 years altogether since being in my late teens and I'm 36 now. I've definitely lost who I am.