Without going into too much background my EXH and I separated a year past March. In September of 2019 he really unexpectedly told me he didn't love me anymore. By unexpected I mean I never ever in a million years thought he'd ever say that to me! We'd had an argument and our relationship hadn't been brilliant for a year or so but I took it to be one of those things. We were together 14 years, married for 10 and had 2 DC who were 9 and 4 at the time. I just figured life would start to get a bit easier when the DC were a little older and I could work more which would alleviate money worries a bit and give us a more settled life. It was such a huge shock. I fought tooth and nail to keep our marriage together, changed a lot about myself and tried to get us to marriage counselling. We did it for a month or so in the November until EXH said he was happy, did still love me and didn't think we needed the counselling anymore. I was overjoyed. It all lasted about a month when it all turned again and he said again he didn't know if he loved me anymore. Life was miserable and in March 2020 he left just before lockdown texting me to say he thought he'd be happier on his own. I was in bits and ended up alone during most of the first lockdown with two children and trying to just emotionally keep myself together. He would see the DC's off and on but no regular contact at that time. He called me in June absolutely beside himself and basically had a bit of a breakdown. Said he'd "f'd up" and "couldn't believe" what he'd "thrown away". He said he wanted his family back. I was there and helped him with whatever he needed. I thought we would maybe even get back together as I'd suspected he was mentally unwell all along. Then it didn't happen. All my efforts were thrown back in my face and he started seeing someone. He's now living with her, has our DCs routinely and seems fine. I on the other hand am not. I'm not in love with him anymore, that's not it. I'm physically not attracted to him at all and I can't stand him. I couldn't ever see us being together now after everything that's happened. I'm absolutely fine most of the time but barely a month goes by where I don't wish for my old life back, I want to rewind to 2019 where I was blissfully unaware all of this would happen. And never, ever thought it would. We always had a great relationship and were a good team. We were best friends and got on so well. We had our ups and downs and life was a bit hard sometimes but it's to be expected in 14 years isn't it? Plus I was 19 when I met him and he was 21. We grew up together and learned as we went along. We also had two small children and because of his job I couldn't work much as we had limited childcare so money was tight. I find myself getting so upset and feeling like a total and absolute failure that I couldn't make my marriage work. I wonder how a man that absolutely adored me could all of a sudden not anymore. I wonder how on earth this could happen to me and what was/is wrong with me. I wonder how after he said he didn't want to be in a relationship at all he could find someone else almost straight away, move in with her and say he's in love with her. Is it just me? Or is this normal to feel the way I do. I find myself crying every now and then. It's almost like I'm mourning and the pain is really unbearable. I don't want to feel like this at all. I just want to move on, move forward and be truly, properly happy again. I feel like he's stolen that from me. Had anyone else been in this kind of situation? I just need reassurance I think that it'll pass as I feel the pain and anger will never leave me and it will ruin my life. Thank you to anyone that's managed to read this.