Give me some support!n

Franny0696 · 2021-05-11T20:31:43+00:00

Over a year now my husband thinks it's OK to go out and not come home ignore my messages and does WHATEVER he wants. My whole pregnancy and now since my daughter had been here now 8 months he is still doing it. What the FUCK do I do? What would you do. I'm not sad anymore I'm angry very fucking a grey

jackstini · 11/05/2021 22:11

His behaviour sounds very childish and selfish
How long have you been together?
Does he bring any joy to your life?
Would you want to leave/ask him to?

Anonapuss · 11/05/2021 22:18

It doesn't sound like he's happy with family life.

And you arent happy with the resulting behaviour.

Both are very valid feelings, but his behaviour isnt fair on you.

Sounds like its time for an honest and frank conversation, led with, "i dont think you are happy, and neither am i, so where do we go from here..."

Be prepared to walk away.

sunrayscome · 12/05/2021 08:49

The father of my daughter was the same - he would go out and say he would be back in an hour...2 hours 4 hours never came back and would appear sheepishly in the morning saying he was on a friends sofa - he was sleeping with someone else
Sounds like he does not want the responsibility of being a father and is behaving like a bachelor - its not uncommon.
You are virtually a single parent so if you are strong enough to think about leaving I would. It is surprising how responsible they suddenly come when the relationship ends - like they suddenly realise what a rubbish father they have been

Original poster

Franny0696 · 14/05/2021 08:30

@jackstini @Anonapuss @sunrayscome

It's been 2 days since I posted that post he came back and we have not spoken at all the day he came back he was begging for my forgiveness and I ignored him told him where to go.

Last night I tried to chat with him as to why he does this and he said he wished we split up for good last year and thinks we should part ways.

He's slept on the sofa last 2 nights.

I don't know what to do. I have no where to go...

OP posts:

jackstini · 14/05/2021 08:38

Whose house is it? Can you ask him to leave?

He's obviously not interested in saving the relationship so although it's horrible, you are best out if it ASAP

Speak to a solicitor and see where you stand so you have a clearer path

Sorry he is being such a cockwomble

sunrayscome · 14/05/2021 08:41

I am sorry you are going through this with a young baby to care for as well. Do you jointly own the property/rent ?
Can he move out?
He has come to the decision he wants to go separate ways so he is going to have to communicate with you
Start by sorting your finances out
You need to sort out child maintenance either a private arrangement or formally
child-maintenance.service.gov.uk/apply/
Make an application with child tax credits as a lone parent
www.gov.uk/child-tax-credit
Turn 2 us is a good web site so you can calculate what benefits your could be entitled to
benefits-calculator.turn2us.org.uk/AboutYou
Find out what you financial situation would be first and then you will have a clearer picture going forward
Try to keep the communication open about child contact arrangements and try to keep it as amicable as you can because although you are going in different directions this man will be in your life for the next 18 years as you have a child together

Anonapuss · 14/05/2021 08:42

There is not much you can do with regards to how he feels, it sounds like he has wanted to leave for some time.

Its desperately sad, but, you will be better off without his bad attitude weighing you down.

Hard as it feels right now, you need to start thinking about life without him.

Original poster

Franny0696 · 14/05/2021 09:15

@Anonapuss @sunrayscome @jackstini

We rent our house but I wouldn't be able to afford it on my own even with help as I start a new job in June.

I just feel so deflated we have been together ten years I just don't understand what I have done for him to treat me like this.

I just don't feel strong enough at all. It's so hard

OP posts:

sunrayscome · 14/05/2021 09:23

You may get some help with universal credit to pay the rent depending on the hours you are working - please get some advise from Citizens advice - you can do this
I just think the responsibility of being a dad has over whelmed him which is no excuse - having a baby is a massive life changer but do you see women walking away from it ?! I think a lot of men struggle to see you as a mother and not just his wife - the attention has been taken off them. Does he take any interest /hands on with your daughter ?

Erolg · 14/05/2021 11:30

If you were my DD I would ask you when you lost respect for yourself that you let others disrespect you. The empathetic side of me would still ask what is going on in your partners mind for him to act this way. Not excusing this behaviour. In my experience there is always something going on for people act a certain way. It is not for anyone else to opine on the virtues of their version of right or wrongs. Have you considered counselling as a couple and individually? It is always healthy to get to the root cause of our personal issues which we all have to make us better individuals and then better partners . Only you can decide what’s right for you. Good luck and wish you well.

Original poster

Franny0696 · 14/05/2021 12:06

@Erolg I think councilling is a good shout...

@sunrayscome he is an amazing dad that's the hard thing. Except his disappearing acts

OP posts:

sunrayscome · 14/05/2021 12:14

But you are left holding the baby on his disappearing acts so he is not supporting you, respecting your role as a mother which is exhausting and relentless, He is not talking on his responsibilities - I am sure you feel like disappearing at times but you don't - he needs to have a wake up call. Do family know he is not pulling his weight?

Notagain20 · 14/05/2021 12:19

He's not an amazing dad. Good dad's do not disappear, they do not ignore their phones. End of.

He's probably got someone else I'm afraid. It's awful, but you need to listen to the excellent practical advice you will get on here about what benefits etc you can claim and how to manage your life without him. The sooner you accept that this is nothing about what you've done, it's all about him being a selfish twunt, the sooner you can build your strength back up.

Notagain20 · 14/05/2021 12:24

I would also really encourage you to do the Freedom Programme when you're ready, to help you understand what a healthy relationship looks and feels like. It sounds like he's got away with acting like a single man and you've maybe not realised how very unacceptable that is. But one day at a time, you need to get your head around splitting up

Erolg · 16/05/2021 10:59

@sunrayscome. I am sorry you're going through this and you don't deserve to be left holding the baby. I know it is a difficult time and I hope you have some other support network to help you through this. I myself would not have done what your partner has done and not to excuse this behaviour but it always make me wonder what drives people to do what they do. It is my nature to question and also what I do for a living. I help people overcome emotional stuff and baggage. Everyone has a story and past experiences that drive them to do what they do. I don't know you're story and If you decide that you no longer want him in your life then make the change. I know that my parents should have divorced when I was 14. My view of life, women and marriage was warped because of the actions of my parents( mainly my mum). However, as I grew and had counselling, therapy and nearly lost my own marriage, I came to realise that my parents knew no better either. They both have past experiences that moulded their lives and that's how they made decisions in their life at the time. At that time of my life, it impacted me detrimentally but I look back on all my life experiences now as a 53-year-old and I am glad of everything good, bad and indifferent that happened to me. I have had a lot to deal with. However, it has made me into the person that I am today. Someone who is in charge of my own destiny, dependant on no one for my own happiness, validation or self-worth. No one and I mean no one can me happy. Happiness, sadness, fear and anger and all the other range of emotions there are that I feel are my doing. I hate the cold and it makes me miserable but other love it. Why are people different? It just their view of the world. It's their internal representation of external stimulus and it governs their behaviour. I truly wish you well and the best of luck going forward. You are stronger than you think and you're worthy. Let no one ever put you down or treat you disrespectfully. I have a boy and a girl and my wife and I have hopefully taught them to respect themselves first and foremost, respect others but more importantly let no one disrespect them. I have also encouraged them to be empathetic because once again we don't someone else's story. My kid's happiness and self-worth are on them and they are responsible for how they respond to life. Life happens to you and not for you is my motto.

One more thing if I may, I know you're here for advice and support. However, sometimes the people giving you advice are using their reference points to give said advice. Their story and life are unique to them. No one can tell you what's best for you. Only you can do that. You're responsible for you and your kids and no one else, not even your partner. If you feel it would be beneficial to your life and your kids because even if you decide not to be with him he is the kid's father and he needs to be a good role model for them as well and better for you to be amicable wherever possible. Suggest to him he gets help. Not for you but for him to be a better human being in turn make all of your lives better. Most men are so afraid of their emotions they can't see the wood for the trees. Nothing wrong with admitting you're in a bad place mentally and emotionally. It makes you courageous. Make a decision and do what truly feels right. No matter how wrong others may think you are. If people truly love you they should want what's best for you and not what they think you need to do.

good luck and i wish you well. Hope it works out well for all concerned.

Erolg · 16/05/2021 11:05

Sorry @sunrayscome I put wrong name in my Post it was meant for @ Franny0696. Apologies once again.

Erolg · 16/05/2021 11:07

@franny0696 I am sorry you're going through this and you don't deserve to be left holding the baby. I know it is a difficult time and I hope you have some other support network to help you through this. I myself would not have done what your partner has done and not to excuse this behaviour but it always make me wonder what drives people to do what they do. It is my nature to question and also what I do for a living. I help people overcome emotional stuff and baggage. Everyone has a story and past experiences that drive them to do what they do. I don't know you're story and If you decide that you no longer want him in your life then make the change. I know that my parents should have divorced when I was 14. My view of life, women and marriage was warped because of the actions of my parents( mainly my mum). However, as I grew and had counselling, therapy and nearly lost my own marriage, I came to realise that my parents knew no better either. They both have past experiences that moulded their lives and that's how they made decisions in their life at the time. At that time of my life, it impacted me detrimentally but I look back on all my life experiences now as a 53-year-old and I am glad of everything good, bad and indifferent that happened to me. I have had a lot to deal with. However, it has made me into the person that I am today. Someone who is in charge of my own destiny, dependant on no one for my own happiness, validation or self-worth. No one and I mean no one can me happy. Happiness, sadness, fear and anger and all the other range of emotions there are that I feel are my doing. I hate the cold and it makes me miserable but other love it. Why are people different? It just their view of the world. It's their internal representation of external stimulus and it governs their behaviour. I truly wish you well and the best of luck going forward. You are stronger than you think and you're worthy. Let no one ever put you down or treat you disrespectfully. I have a boy and a girl and my wife and I have hopefully taught them to respect themselves first and foremost, respect others but more importantly let no one disrespect them. I have also encouraged them to be empathetic because once again we don't someone else's story. My kid's happiness and self-worth are on them and they are responsible for how they respond to life. Life happens to you and not for you is my motto.

One more thing if I may, I know you're here for advice and support. However, sometimes the people giving you advice are using their reference points to give said advice. Their story and life are unique to them. No one can tell you what's best for you. Only you can do that. You're responsible for you and your kids and no one else, not even your partner. If you feel it would be beneficial to your life and your kids because even if you decide not to be with him he is the kid's father and he needs to be a good role model for them as well and better for you to be amicable wherever possible. Suggest to him he gets help. Not for you but for him to be a better human being in turn make all of your lives better. Most men are so afraid of their emotions they can't see the wood for the trees. Nothing wrong with admitting you're in a bad place mentally and emotionally. It makes you courageous. Make a decision and do what truly feels right. No matter how wrong others may think you are. If people truly love you they should want what's best for you and not what they think you need to do.

good luck and i wish you well. Hope it works out well for all concerned.

sunrayscome · 17/05/2021 10:40

@Erolg no worries x