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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How to move on/ get over someone when they are dating someone else

8 replies

TheMaidofOrleans · 11/05/2021 13:19

I suppose i am looking for some support for getting over a man/ getting him out of my head/ no contact. I will be brief…

Was seeing him of and off last year but did no contact for 3 months from Nov to Feb during lockdown as there was some uncertainly and distrust between us. He would occasionally text me saying he missed me etc. In a moment of weakness in Feb I texted him and he made it clear he wanted to get back together. He told me he loved me. I was uncertain and refused but stupidly I did continue texting him and all the things i liked about him remained. I instigated a meet up with him last week to see how i felt.

It was lovely to see him after but told me that he has started to see someone he has met online - early days - around a month. He says he loves me but he and this woman have hit it off and he wants to give it a go with her. He said he felt sad and confused -we had a couple of false starts last year for various reasons and he can’t be sure that it won’t go that again I suppose we are drawn to each other and we did kiss lot, so yes it could be argued that he is not committed this other woman and keeping his options open. I did point this out to him too.

Since the meeting last week, we have texted and yes i am suppose I am trying to maintain contact. I am aware i sound pathetic, clinging on when he has made his choice with this other woman. He does text and says he thinks about me too

I feel rejected, regretful and quietly devastated. I thought he would wait for me. I try to focus on the reasons why I did no contact during lockdown and there other issues between us. I don’t blame him as he made he clear that he wanted to be with me so I would have gone off looking for someone else too. How do I move forward? How I stop him being in my head?

OP posts:
PermanentTemporary · 11/05/2021 13:24

It does sound complicated. I don't think you've behaved stupidly at any point and I don't see why you think you have.

He sounds like he enjoys drama and that's bloody difficult to deal with - peace of mind isn't something he likes or wants around him. So. 1. Block him 2. Think about him as much as you like but in your head always think of him with someone else. 3. Take 9n something new, preferably physical like a team sport or something.

Im just reaching a point of peace about a connection I broke off completely 6 months ago (haven't seen him for 18 months) but it hasn't actually hurt for a while. Tbh it helps that I'm seeing someone else but I can't really recommend that...

Kelly345 · 11/05/2021 13:26

Block him and start looking again.

Mermaidwaves · 11/05/2021 13:26

Please do not contact him any more as he's clearly expressed his wish to have you as his bit on the side. He will tell you that he was honest with you so if you start seeing him you are now the OW.

I was you last year and it's so hard I know, I'm still not really over my guy and I checked his FB last night after months of no contact and feel crap today because he's very much in love with his 'proper' girlfriend. No contact is the only way to move on as this type of guy drives you crazy keeping you hanging on and toying with you. If he wanted to be with you he would though, hes giving you breadcrumbs here Flowers

Singingwiththepain · 11/05/2021 13:29

Feeling for you with this OP. It would seem the only way to get over your devastation would be to cut him off again. Not out of spite but because while you remain in contact you won't heal and the new woman will be there in the background every time he says he's going for dinner or away for a weekend you'll know its with her and it'll hurt more.

For what it's worth I was in a similar on/off relationship and I think he's making a sensible choice. Not that that makes it any easier on you. Stay strong, go NC and everytime you think of messaging him just picture them together.

Wishing you luck

SoftPower · 11/05/2021 13:51

The best way to get over him is to be really happy - start doing things you really enjoy.

What used to make you happy in the past?
Which new things would you like to try?
For example... are you interested in a new hairdo or a different look? Feeling like a new woman can help you view yourself differently and begin thinking and feeling differently.

Xztop · 11/05/2021 14:06

Time is the best healer. Cliche but true. NC is also the way forward, it's hard but stay strong.
My story is different to yours as I was ridiculous over this man....
I had an embarrassing crush on someone completely inappropriate which made me look a complete fool as I believed his lies that he felt the same way. I was very upset for months but now? I'm over him completely! I kept busy with work and DC and slowly over time I realised I felt better.

TheMaidofOrleans · 11/05/2021 19:31

Yes you all are speaking sense. I need to do no contact- even though I did not contact him from Nov to Feb, he was still in my head and i was still in a relationship of sorts with him. I will archive his Whatsapp message so he is not showing up on my list

I am not thinking of him and her but him and us. There is no us anymore I need admit that. It was great sex but everything else was at times, not that great. (I will have great sex again I hope)
Trying to change my thinking patterns and keeping busy. It's difficult

OP posts:
PermanentTemporary · 11/05/2021 19:33

Oh these bruises take so long to heal. But once they are done they are done. The sooner you start, the sooner it will stop hurting Flowers

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