Dating Agency

[Leonardo87]

Please see my previous posts for the awful situations I have been in from meeting men on OLD.

I am 33/F with everything going for her. I have no issue whatsoever attracting male attention and dates; however, the quality of those Men is fairly low. I have been in abusive situations numerous times, trying to make relationship works and not walking at the first red flag. My last post about the guy from Tinder seen me doing some soul searching and build up my self esteem through therapy - which I have been getting weekly since December. I also started to read FDS (Female Dating Strategy) on Reddit with loads of helpful advice and it made me feel sick the abuse I have tolerated at the hands of LVM.

I think this therapy has done so much to my self esteem that I just cannot tolerate poor behaviour in the same way as before. This weekend I had two dates from Tinder. The one on Saturday mentioned how he used to just walk away from his Ex GF when she was talking and openly admitted his arrogance towards her. He then asked me to split the bill. The date the next day wanted me to buy my own coffee and although that was fine - I felt I held the whole conversation and it was sitting with a child.

So after that date I deleted all my apps and have vowed never to use them again for the foresable - I have tried Hinge, Tinder and Bumble on and off in the past three years. In these three years I have been raped, sexually assaulted, cohersed, gaslight, manipulated, belitted and abused by all of the Men I have met on these apps. I know a few people are lucky but I have had enough. I have no idea how I have been able to continue working and not had a mental breakdown.

I have contacted a dating agency this morning and when the woman spoke to me I was talking through the above and nearly burst into tears at my frustration. I am looking for a 12 month membership, continue with my self development with therapy and continue with my activities - yoga, hiking, gym and wine tasting.

Has anyone had any expierence with these dating agencies - my eyes are wide enough open to know that they are a money making business in themselves. The one I have chosen is based in London, I am in a bigger city up north. It has a great looking website with testimonies from many magazines etc.

Sorry for the rant but honestly if you read my previous posts you will see I have literally been through the mill with love. This is my last ditch attempt - I have already got organised for when I turn 35 than I will be a SMBC and have a baby alone - had all the scans, bloods etc.

Has anyone ever found love when they have literally given up.

I would assume dating agencies would be full of narcissist men. And oddities that still live with their mothers.

Though tbf, I guess online dating isn't much different lol.

Youd probably have better luck just striking up convos with strangers tbh. I'm going to make a point if doing that more in future. Sure some of them will think I'm a crazy person, but heyho xD

I would avoid all agencies and dating apps.

@Bellyups

I would avoid all agencies and dating apps.

Really, have you had any expierences? I am avoiding dating apps from now on. Never ever again.

To be honest it is not the fault of the apps that the people you are meeting are unsuitable, you need to work on your own boundaries and be MUCH better at not only spotting red flags but walking away and take more responsibility for your role. I am not victim blaming, the men are clearly shits, but we do have to take responsibility as adults to keep ourselves safe and not walk into situations that could be dangerous or just unhealthy.

The reason people are successful at dating, in that it results in a healthy relationship, is not to do with luck but having strong boundaries and ignoring 95% of the people that contact you because you can spot immediate red flags or incompatibilities. Often people show traits very early on, you just have to learn to spot it. What you describe is someone who doesnt see, or goes along with, bad situations.

A dating agency cannot fix this for you, it is you that needs to build a stronger armour and see it as your job to protect yourself physically, protect your time, respect yourself and have enough self worth not to accept ANY bad behaviour. It sounds like you are working on yourself but you are still in a desperate headspace. Desperation rarely couples well with self respect and fragile boundaries.

Keep going to counselling and keep working on yourself to not accept bad treatment from the first sniff of potential trouble, learning the skill to walk away will save you from a lot of trouble and see you have many more positive dating experiences no matter where you find the men.

@Anonapuss

To be honest it is not the fault of the apps that the people you are meeting are unsuitable, you need to work on your own boundaries and be MUCH better at not only spotting red flags but walking away and take more responsibility for your role. I am not victim blaming, the men are clearly shits, but we do have to take responsibility as adults to keep ourselves safe and not walk into situations that could be dangerous or just unhealthy.

The reason people are successful at dating, in that it results in a healthy relationship, is not to do with luck but having strong boundaries and ignoring 95% of the people that contact you because you can spot immediate red flags or incompatibilities. Often people show traits very early on, you just have to learn to spot it. What you describe is someone who doesnt see, or goes along with, bad situations.

A dating agency cannot fix this for you, it is you that needs to build a stronger armour and see it as your job to protect yourself physically, protect your time, respect yourself and have enough self worth not to accept ANY bad behaviour. It sounds like you are working on yourself but you are still in a desperate headspace. Desperation rarely couples well with self respect and fragile boundaries.

Keep going to counselling and keep working on yourself to not accept bad treatment from the first sniff of potential trouble, learning the skill to walk away will save you from a lot of trouble and see you have many more positive dating experiences no matter where you find the men.

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

OLD is hideous OP and I had some awful experiences last year, it really opened up my eyes to some horrific behaviours, I led a sheltered life before I think. I've deleted all my dating accounts and have sworn I will only consider dating someone I meet naturally and it develops organically. (Unlikely) I refuse to meet men online anymore as they all seem to have issues. If this means I stay single forever then so be it!

I would advise avoiding tinder to any woman and try joining hobbies, groups on meet up etc to meet men in more natural settings. Good luck OP

@Mermaidwaves

OLD is hideous OP and I had some awful experiences last year, it really opened up my eyes to some horrific behaviours, I led a sheltered life before I think. I've deleted all my dating accounts and have sworn I will only consider dating someone I meet naturally and it develops organically. (Unlikely) I refuse to meet men online anymore as they all seem to have issues. If this means I stay single forever then so be it!

With you - this was excatly my thoughts on Sunday. I had enough and will not go back. I was very sheltered as I had a LT Partner until three years ago.

@Anonapuss

To be honest it is not the fault of the apps that the people you are meeting are unsuitable, you need to work on your own boundaries and be MUCH better at not only spotting red flags but walking away and take more responsibility for your role. I am not victim blaming, the men are clearly shits, but we do have to take responsibility as adults to keep ourselves safe and not walk into situations that could be dangerous or just unhealthy.

The reason people are successful at dating, in that it results in a healthy relationship, is not to do with luck but having strong boundaries and ignoring 95% of the people that contact you because you can spot immediate red flags or incompatibilities. Often people show traits very early on, you just have to learn to spot it. What you describe is someone who doesnt see, or goes along with, bad situations.

A dating agency cannot fix this for you, it is you that needs to build a stronger armour and see it as your job to protect yourself physically, protect your time, respect yourself and have enough self worth not to accept ANY bad behaviour. It sounds like you are working on yourself but you are still in a desperate headspace. Desperation rarely couples well with self respect and fragile boundaries.

Keep going to counselling and keep working on yourself to not accept bad treatment from the first sniff of potential trouble, learning the skill to walk away will save you from a lot of trouble and see you have many more positive dating experiences no matter where you find the men.

Could not agree with this more. If you aren’t good at upholding your boundaries and recognising I’ll-suited men when OLDing, you aren’t likely to be any better at it with men met elsewhere. That’s the bit you need to work on with yourself. If anything, men who pay to use a dating agency are simply going to have a greater sense of entitlement and expectations of women they date - after all, they’re paying for it, and expect a return on investment.

@Anonapuss has some great advice here!

There isn't a silver bullet to meeting the right man. Apps, and agencies are just a way to introduce you to men - not guarantee that they will be decent and not guarantee a relationship. The men you'll meet in real life are the same men on the apps. I would avoid the agencies as majority of men are on the apps and are happy to put the legwork in to find women themselves. Think of the sort of man you'd like to meet and now think about whether he'd be the type to pay someone to find him a date... He wouldn't.

Take a break from the apps by all means and talk to strangers at hobby groups or pubs or anywhere. But there's no guarantee they'll be a better man than one you'd meet anywhere else. What's important is the energy you give off- if you have high self esteem, confidence and don't wear your baggage - you'll put off all the predators. It's like they sense vulnerability. It's great you are doing work on yourself - and are learning to spot red flags early on! The next step is to think very carefully about what you want - and pay attention for signs that show the men have these traits or don't. Listen to your gut when you meet them - do you feel relaxed and at ease, or nervous and a bit awkward.

Agencies are a waste of money because there's only so much they can vet. They can't tell you if he's abusive or a narcissist or has mommy issues. You will have to learn to spot those traits yourself! Try hobby groups or chatting to people in your day to day life. Don't get disheartened by bad dates - it's just the price we pay to meet the right partner. Enough people settle into terrible relationships just to avoid singledom so it feels like you're failing being single. You aren't. You're being more pragmatic by weeding out the weirdos.

Make your life a wonderful, happy place and you'll attract lovely men who want to be a part of it! You're still young!! Don't give up because of a few arseholes.

I found the paid ones worse than the free ones. Some odd guys with sky high expectations and no space for relationships as so busy !
I found OLD tough. Nice guys no chemistry. Few very strange ones. One awful one.
I eventually met my dh though.
If I had my time again I’d probably do meet ups (google it)

Definately agree with you pp. Paid dating sites were worse than tinder ect...utterly full of weirdos. That's why I'm thinking dating agencies probably are too.

I've never done OLD but I had the misfortune to think I had connected with someone through (virtual) work last year and he behaved very badly.

I echo the comments about boundaries. When I was younger, I would meet lots of frogs. These include:

One turning up late repeatedly and so I went home. He phoned me in a fury blaming me for going home, saying "I was taken short".

Another one "Can I kiss you". "Do you usually go out with men?" It was like Adrian Mole.

Giving another chance to a guy who told me on Date 3 that he had been in a young offender's institution for a fight at a football match (think now there was more to it than that). He turned up with a friend and his girlfriend who was on her first date with the friend. We saw the two guys going through pockets of jackets hung up. The other girl and I went to the toilet and escaped and never saw them again.

Going on a date with a guy I met through work when I had a student job, conversation took a smutty turn I wouldn't join in with and he parked up on the way home expecting some action. Luckily he didn't push it, drove me home when I asked him to and had the cheek to say "Can I see you again on Wednesday?"

A guy turning up for first date with a box full of chocolates, wine and bath bombs. Found out he had CCJs and had headbutted his ex.

I used to blame myself for attracting these people because I thought there was something about me that sent out the wrong sort of message to them. Now I just think these chumps are everywhere. I met all of these in real life.

Dating agency and paid dating site screams desperate. I did meet my husband on a dating site but it was a free one. The best thing is to go into it light hearted and see who you get talking to, without forcing it.

No to paying to find love — whether that be OLD or dating agency. When did romance become so corporate?

Tbh I think OLD gets a bad rep. Most people who talk about ‘burn out’ from those apps are the people who take them way too seriously. The reality is that as long as you have boundaries in place and learn to be happy alone then the it really won’t bother you.

I make sure that I leave the house most days looking presentable and approachable. I go up to men if I find them attractive. I engage in conversations with strangers. So OLD is just a ‘top up’ when I’m home and have some time to kill. But by no means am I relying on it to find my one true love! If it happens, great!! But if it doesn’t, that’s fine also.