Bumble location - online when we were away

[justwantitalltostop]

Please go easy. I'm exhausted.

Met someone on bumble a few months ago. Lots of dates. But both have kids so difficult to arrange evenings.

We went away for the weekend. Had sex for the first time etc. He had previously said he'd spoken to one other person but only met up with me.

He said something about kids and it rang a (I thought he said on his profile he wanted more) so logged on and saw his profile had him at our location. So he must have been on bumble when we were down there?

I don't know how it works but pretty sure if you're not on it it just uses your last known location.

It went back to his home address last night. So I guess he was on it again then.

I want to ask without sounding mad. But it doesn't look good does it? I wouldn't have had sex with him if I thought we weren't exclusive

Yeah unfortunately it sounds like he’s been on it whilst you were away. Bumble location only changes when the person opens the app.

I thought unless you change your settings apps are always on in the background so his location will change on bumble as he moves around.

Just have a chat with him, ask him he wants to be exclusive with you, then you both know where you stand. I wouldn't tell him you've been checking up on him, that won't bode well.

Thanks.

Yes I thought you had to logged on or receive a message etc for it to update.

It just seems a bit coincidental.

Thanks. I'm a bit emotional. I'm not sure I'm in the right head space to talk to him now anyway

OP - are you sure you are in a right mental space to be dating?
You sound like a combination of fragile and overly needy or insecure to be out there yet.

You were just talking and just had sex for the first time. How can you expect some sort of ‘exclusivity’ before you even slept with someone? Who in the right mind would commit before checking out sexual chemistry?

Who knows why his location updated. Yours did as well, btw. You could be both checking up on the other and drawing conclusions.
But it’s way too early for that - it’s not even a relationship yet.
How do you even know if you want him?

The location settings vary depending on what you set them as
this can be “only while using app” or just “allow access” where it will constantly be updating location information. It doesn’t mean he was using it.

Who in the right mind would commit before checking out sexual chemistry?

I don't think she was after commitment but exclusivity. She assumed that he was not looking to date others.

Op, it seems that Online creates a sweetie shop mentality - the fear of missing out and maybe the chance of someone more suitable.
How long were you single? I think you might have to assume people are not exclusive nowadays until they specifically say so. Don't invest unless you can be sure you can handle an ending. I hope you had a good weekend irrespective of the outcome and maybe this will help you define boundaries or help show you want you want.

I didn't want commitment. Just knowing that we're 'dating' and not looking for anyone else

Sorry yes I am fragile. I've been convinced I have some disorder for a while now. I've been trying to get therapy. But I've just finished six weeks of someone asking me how I am now. But I know it's deeper than that. I get more upset than other people. I just break down. I haven't stopped crying all day and I know deep down it's just a man I've known for a few months. It shouldn't affect me so much.

He might have been checking on you!

Best way I found when I did OLD is don't mince your words. If you want someone to be exclusive when you sleep with them, you have to tell them. Most people are not mind readers so need these things spelt out. Doesn't mean they will be honest but at least you'll have the comfort that you told them your expectations.

You need to be direct — if you want to be exclusive, tell him that. If exclusivity is so important to you when you’re intimate with them then that’s your fault for not bringing it up before you had sex.

Also, just as you are opening the app to check on him. He could also be opening the app to check on you. Cue cat and mouse chase.

@lastqueenofscotland

The location settings vary depending on what you set them as this can be “only while using app” or just “allow access” where it will constantly be updating location information. It doesn’t mean he was using it.

I don’t think this is true for bumble. I was in the same situation once and it clearly said on the bumble FAQs that location only updates when the app is opened.

The exclusivity thing is really weird nowadays, I'm sure back in the day it was more assumed? Every guy I've dated OLD has kept looking on the site even if we've slept together, it was really disheartening and made me feel insecure. You do need to ask him where he stands on it but you are entitled to expect that a potential partner is willing to only sleep with you, this has evaded me so far though.

I didn't want commitment. Just knowing that we're 'dating' and not looking for anyone else

Did you ask him that and he’s been on Bumble anyway, or did you presume that was the case?

I think that’s really important. I don’t think exclusivity can be assumed these days, society has moved on. If you haven’t had the chat, it’s unreasonable of either of you to presume it’s the case and be upset if it’s not.

If you’ve had the chat, he’s said he’s not on the apps/talking to others and you’ve caught him in a lie, bin him off.

We'd had the chat. He said he hadn't been on it. He'd chatted to someone else but not met. Then met me and so hadn't been back on it.

He never asked about me. But I've not been on it for ages. I get notifications all the time though (and for tinder which I don't use any more)

I know it's shit because it looks like I was on it too. We were just talking about kids and I was sure he'd said on his profile he wanted more.

OP - don’t take it the wrong way, but I think you need to focus on yourself now.
Dating - unless this guy is some sort of perfect one of a kind - won’t lead to anything good.
There will be something he’ll say or do that you’ll end up taking the wrong way and it’ll snowball to nothing good.

It comes through quite strongly that you want a relationship. But your expectations of how it works is quite unrealistic.

It’s all perfectly well that he said he wants ‘more’. As in a relationship and all that.
But - any normal adult would take quite a long time to decide if the person they started seeing from OLD is THE person they want to be having that relationship with.
Of course it doesn’t mean they he needs to be constantly looking. But at the same time - you can’t be this full on and the world at this early junction.
As I said before - how do you even know he is that person for you? You need to take time and seriously get to know another person before YOU commit to him to.

But - before any of that - you need to get your mental state to a more stable place.

I think the location just automatically changes wherever you phone goes with you but if you both still on the apps then you can't really question it. If you're both serious about being exclusive then normally you both agree to delete them.

Forgetting the exclusivity side of things for now, what was the outcome when it comes to kids? This could be a non-starter for you anyway if you are not on the same page with future plans, and if he's mislead you on his profile, do you want to be with him anyway?

Sorry yes I am fragile. I've been convinced I have some disorder for a while now

Have you see a counsellor? Have you felt low for sometime? Do you have family or friends for support?

@Fireflygal I've seen lots over the years. On anti depressants on and off for most of my life. But I just think there's something wrong with me. I can't explain it. It's like falling off a cliff. I can't control my pain. It's not sadness it's excruciating. And I know I'll never do anything but I just want to disappear. To make it stop.

The children thing. We both already have kids. He said in his profile he wanted more. But he's never seemed that way when we've chatted. But then he said something about wanting another little one this weekend. Which made me look. But he's never seemed especially keen.

Yes. Sorry I can't remember who said. Maybe I'm not ready. I've been like this my whole life though. I've been trying to get diagnosed at least. Maybe they can do something. I just don't feel normal.

youre going away together and still have bumble accounts

Location only changes when you go on it.

Dump him

OP maybe he was updating his status or deleting his account.
If you see him on it again message him.
He'll wonder what you're doing on there too 🤷