Am I flogging a dead horse?

[Feelingsostupid]

I need to get this off my chest, so please bear with me...

I have been with dp for nearly 4 years. We don't live together.

When we'd been seeing eachother for about 6 months, he started talking about one day us moving in together, getting a house of our own etc., but at that time he was living with his father after separating from his wife about a year before we met. He maintained he couldn't move out from his father's place as his father needed his help financially. Fair enough - I was happy with this arrangement as I thought it was too early to be thinking about moving in with him after only 6 months.

About 6 months after that, his father became ill and sadly passed away in the early part of this year. In the months leading up to his father's death, dp would always be talking about when his father died, he could sell the house which was being left to his sister and him and we could buy a place together. I used to tell him that although I'd be happy for us to move in together, I couldn't think about it terms of his father having to die for us to move our relationship on. Although I wanted to settle down with him it didn't sit comfortably with me that someone had to die for it to happen.

The grand plan also included him looking for a job near where I live. He lives about 30 miles from me. After being made redundant he found a job very close to me but said he couldn't sell the house because his sister couldn't even go in the house since their father's dying. Fair enough. I wasn't expecting him to be putting the house on the market the day after the funeral.

The job he found was poorly paid so started looking for another. He found one, but it was about 15 minutes from his home. He doesn't want to commute as it would take him about 1 1/4 hours each way. He's making no effort to look for a job near to me now.

I don't want to go on at him especially as it's only 9 months since his father died and I can't imagine having to deal with that. Fortunately I haven't been in that situation.

And here's where the big BUT comes in....I feel like I'm being used for his convenience. He's got the best of both worlds. He gets well looked after here at the weekends, takes me out which is lovely, and then goes home. It's really hit me over the last couple of days and I want to let it all come out to his face, but I don't want to hurt him either.

Someone slap me and tell me I'm either flogging a dead horse or over-reacting or maybe something in between.

If you got to the end.....well done.

Sorry, he's a boyfriend, not a partner.

The simple answer to this is, don't allow yourself to be used. If you don't like the way things are going, then change it. Don't blame your boyfriend for taking what you give him. If you resent it, then don't give it! Easy

Regardless of the death of his father I think it would be fair enough for you to have a serious discussion with him about where your relationship is going.

After 4 years together you clearly want more than just seeing him at weekends, which is what he has been promising you... so I would say that it is fair enough that you would like some answers.

You sound like you are very understanding. But you also sound very unhappy with the situation and that alone, means you have every right to discuss it with him.

Would all of the compromise have to come from him? i.e. can you not move due to children/school etc? Or would buying a house somewhere in the middle be an option so that you can both commute?

FWIW I commuted 1.5hours each way for 8 years just so I could live with dh and be close to family. So it can be done.

But you really need to know what he actually wants to do. He may be totally happy with the situation, like his time alone in the week, and enjoy just having a girlfriend at weekends. If that is the case then you would then have to have a serious think and decide if you can put up with that on a longer term basis. But you can't make that decision until you know one way or the other what he wants too.

Given his past promises I don't think it's unreasonable for you to be asking these things.

Very difficult situation I know

If your gut instinct tells you you are being used you probably are. Irrespective of his dad's death, you've been together for nearly 4 years and, by then, most couples would have either decided to go for it (getting serious) or to call things a day if it didn't feel quite right.

I went out with someone for 2 years and finished it when it became clear it was unlikely to go any further. Until then, he'd come round at weekends, which were perfectly pleasant, but made no effort to see me during the week (he lived about an hour's drive away & claimed this was too far). With that "excuse" it meant he had 5 days of "freedom" with which to play football, see "the lads" etc and didn't have to explain himself as he would have done were he living with someone. However, come the weekend, he was only too happy to get home cooked meals etc.

Okay ..... not everyone wants to settle down, that's their perogative, but it's also wrong to string someone along with vague promises about moving in and/or changing jobs to be nearer to you. My dad died too, but it doesn't make you forget what you've said to other people. A death can of course make you re-evaluate your own life and that may be the case with him, but he needs to tell you that, if he's changed his mind. I would talk to him and be utterly honest - after all, you have nothing to lose, except maybe a few weekends' company.

tell him what you want ( in a non-confrontational way). If he refuses then you are flogging a dead horse. If he is willing to compromise or give a date when things will change, then I think there's def hope.

Ask him outright, does he or does he not want any serious commitment from your relationship.
Explain that you feel you want that and hw you feel a little used as only a weekend stand in, and that you were hoping for more.

I dont think that would upset him. Its an honest question with no underlying intentions to be upsetting.

I started feeling like that about my ex, shortly before I left him.. there was always a date in the future that things would change but in my heart of hearts I know he will never change.

I know he loved me and still does but he is who he is and it just doesn't work. I'm wasn't/am not prepared to settle for the life I would have had with him.

I think if you are asking the question you may already know the answer. I would go with what Blue Jelly said. I'm also going to take the advice myself for my current situation.

I'd take him out for a nice meal and just talk it all through.

He could be flattered, he could be appalled, but at least you'll know either way.

Aw bless you, you sound lovely. You've been ever so reasonable through this relationship and perhaps your boyfriend just doesn't realise what you really want and how much these things matter to you. Why not have a good think about what you honestly want for your future and then tell him. The absolute worst that will happen is he will not want those same things and you will have to go your separate ways. Better to know that now than in 5 years time though.

Playing devil's advocate, could it be that your reasonabless seem to him like coolness and that he's backing away from the living together and changing jobs to be near you because he's worried you are losing interest in a future together? After a failed marriage and a bereavement he may be depressed and inclined to interpret anything you do negatively?

Yes he's had a bad time BUT you still need the things you need and quietly continuing to deprive yourself of them will get you both nowhere but unhappy.

Good luck

Thanks for all your thoughts on this. I think I needed someone else to give me the push to get this all out in the open with him.

It would be true to say that I really thought this was the man I would spend the rest of my life with but I can't hang on to that if he's not feeling the same way about me and he's changed his mind about our future.

I'm going to talk to him Friday when he comes over and hopefully by then I won't be a blubbing mess. I'm so upset by this but I don't want him saying something he doesn't mean because he's feeling sorry for me.

Good luck and let us know how it goes.