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Original poster

So is dh a selfish bugger or am I overeacting?

40 replies

lupo · 15/11/2007 15:10

Ok, will keep this as concise as possible. Dh has recently started a new of job which involves a fair bit of going out and having team bonding events with colleagues etc.

The one and only time that I will get invited to this sort of thing is the Christmas do. Dh has told me that I am invited, and has already said that lots of couples ho have kids will be leaving early.

I have desperately been phoning friends to see if anyone can babysit (only want to use someone I know) My best friend has offered and says she will do it til midnight, so we will need to get a cab at 11.30.plus she is doing it for free so dont want to take the mick. The event starts at 7pm -1.30am

DH is saying that I am being very unreasonable for making him leave early (finishes at 1.30am) - surely the fact that the babysitter can't stay is our problem not just mine.

He says that he ants to stay til atleast 12.30am and get free company paid cab home and I can drive home earlier or get a cab alone or not go. I don't see why i should miss out as i hardly ever get to go to these things. Buts its OUR son so surely its OUR responsibility to get back on time not just mine

He said if he has to leave earlier he ill inform his colleagues that his wife says he is not allowed to stay out at his own xmas do.

Advice needed please. should I go and pay for a cab home and leave an hour earlier, or
should i tell him he is a selfish prick and should have the decency to accompany his wife home. What would you do? Feel pretty
hurt about this and not sure how to handle it

OP posts:

Original poster

lupo · 15/11/2007 16:22

Baffy you are right, tonight he is away at a restaurant and tomorrow paint balling and archery in the morning.

I am pleased he gets to do this stuff and dont mind as its a good job and good money, so it does upset me when he wont work with me on the one and only event i am invited to once a year.

Think i will suggest getting a cab at 11.45pm instead of 12.30am. Does this sound like a fair compromise. will take about 20 mins to get home.

Only prob is if he refuses I am really likely to get in a row over it which i dont really want to do before Christmas.

OP posts:

Baffy · 15/11/2007 16:32

Sounds like a fair compromise to me

Just explain to him that you're really looking forward to it too.

Baffy · 15/11/2007 16:39

If he refuses could you just say

'I'm really looking forward to it as much as you and you know I don't get out much. I'd love to stay until 1.30 as well. So could you sort out the babysitter and then we both get to stay out late and we can have a great night.'

Don't let it turn into an argument. Turn it back around on him. Its his child too.

Best of luck. Let us know how it goes.

getoffmystage · 15/11/2007 16:46

I think he's being selfish. It's unbelievable that he expects you to go home alone for the sake of another hour or so. If i had a colleague that did that i would think he was a t**t. And I personally would be very very unhappy if dp suggested this to me. Sorry if this doesn't help, we'd probably end up in a row i'm afraid

ShinyHappyPeopleHoldingHands · 15/11/2007 16:48

Can your babysitter not stay over? Maybe with her DC too if relevant? You could treat them/her to a film and nibbles.. that wouldn't be taking the piss!

noonar · 15/11/2007 16:49

i agree with the youngvisitor. his attitude sucks.

i personally wouldnt mind leaving early, but then i'm a bit of a doormouse on the sleep front, iyswim.

however, if he's always out at events like this, it seems a bit unfair, to say the least.

i think you need to look at the reasons why HIS work do is so important to you. does it reflect the fact that you have little in the way of special events/ 'me time' of your own to look forward to? sounds like you need to book in some special evenings out with him or a girlfriend that you can enjoy, then maybe his work do wont seem so important.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/11/2007 17:57

Hi Lupo,

Re your initial post:-
"The one and only time that I will get invited to this sort of thing is the Christmas do. Dh has told me that I am invited, and has already said that lots of couples ho have kids will be leaving early".

That's only what he says and its not necessarily true; many of the people I know of with children do leave such dos far earlier than his proposed time of leaving.

"I have desperately been phoning friends to see if anyone can babysit (only want to use someone I know) My best friend has offered and says she will do it til midnight, so we will need to get a cab at 11.30.plus she is doing it for free so dont want to take the mick. The event starts at 7pm -1.30am"

Would think that most people will go home before midnight. He'll be with the drunks at 1.30am.

"DH is saying that I am being very unreasonable for making him leave early (finishes at 1.30am) - surely the fact that the babysitter can't stay is our problem not just mine."

Yes its a joint problem; not just yours solely.

"He says that he wants to stay til at least 12.30am and get free company paid cab home and I can drive home earlier or get a cab alone or not go. I don't see why i should miss out as i hardly ever get to go to these things. Buts its OUR son so surely its OUR responsibility to get back on time not just mine".

Get a cab alone?. Bollocks to that!. Don't know where you reside but if you reside in London you certainly want to prebook a cab in advance. Too many unlicenced cabs about for a start.

"He said if he has to leave earlier he ill inform his colleagues that his wife says he is not allowed to stay out at his own xmas do"

Why on earth can't he leave with you?. I'd like to see him try; they'd just laugh him out of the building. Its an empty threat.

Again this is all boils down to a power and control struggle.

He needs to compromise; he is in the wrong here and he knows it. He's being a twat.

BTW does he display such twattish behaviour generally?.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/11/2007 18:00

"He said if he has to leave earlier he ill inform his colleagues that his wife says he is not allowed to stay out at his own xmas do"

What my response should say is:-
Why on earth can't he leave with you?. I'd like to see him try and say that to his collegues; they'd just laugh him out of the building. Its an empty threat.

Original poster

lupo · 15/11/2007 18:00

thanks for responses, its not so much his work do that's upsetting me its attitude to me that hurts. If tables were turned I would be more than happy to leave an hour early so dh could come rather than go alone and stay later, this is what's bugging me.

He should be able to make a small sacrifice like this so I can go happily and after all its for his son as well

OP posts:

claraenglish · 15/11/2007 18:04

Message withdrawn

edam · 15/11/2007 18:21

He's behaving like a sulky brat and will make himself look very stupid in front of colleagues and bosses if he stays after you've gone, esp. with such a stupid 'excuse'.

Are you a SAHM? Then tell him you are organising your own works Christmas do - get together with some friends/other SAHM, book a table at a nice restaurant and go out, leaving him to babysit!

Minum · 15/11/2007 18:29

I think hes being very harsh, but I would work on getting a babysitter who is totally flexible about timing, so you have the freedom to stay out to late events that come up in the future, and you're not limited to the babysitters needs. You could find a friend who can recommend a babysitter, then invite them round to meet your DC, and have them do a short babysit, before they do a full evening.

crokky · 15/11/2007 18:33

In answer to the OP, DH is a selfish bugger!

By the way, I just want to add something as well if you go home an hour before him to relieve your friend the babysitter. As soon as you walk in alone, she will ask "where is DH?", then you will tell her and she will think what a selfish prick he is. It may damage what she thinks of him - friends do not forgive shitty behaviour from other friends spouses as easily as the spouse would.

Plus if I was one of his colleagues and he stayed whilst sending his DW to relieve the babysitter, I would think a lot less than I did of him beforehand.

miobombino · 15/11/2007 18:42

Won't everyone be royally pissed by 11pm, never mind 11.45 or 12.30 ? So who's to notice him leaving with you at a civilised time ?
Also agree with the poster who said he may get negative points and not the brownie ones he's seeking for letting his wife go home alone in a cab in the dead of night...

he's being an arse my dear !

ruva · 15/11/2007 18:44

Hi,
I just say christmas comes once a year-some fights are not worth the fight.
goodluck

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