Past

[IrnBruMom]

Separated a long time from my ex (about ten years).

We have children together, he faded himself out of their lives, joined Fathers support groups, wrote major pieces in the media on Parental Alienation, and so on. The reality is that he hasn’t been part of their lives for over five years (they are older teens/adults now and free to do what they wish).

I coped, just about, and carried on with the mortgage, school costs, and everything else to do with the children. It was so hard in the first five years, I was in a permanent state of exhaustion.
I think I did it all on autopilot, I never wanted anyone to know how hard it was.

I work in an emotionally intense setting, and I manage an incredible team of fabulous people, and I am lucky to be well remunerated for the work, etc.

The children are doing well, both academically and socially.

I finally feel like I can breath and take more time for myself.

Recently, I’ve been remembering episodes with my ex that are very invasive and disturbing the peace I should be having.

Specifically:
He grabbed me one day when I was just home from work and pulled down my panties. The children were playing and hanging out in the patio/garden and I could hear them.
My ex basically refused to let me go. I was trying to keep my voice low enough not to be heard by the children, and started to cry. He said that he would call the kids and they would see me in my state without my panties.
This happened a couple more times until he told me that he would let me go if I had an orgasm.
It was the most awful and humiliating thing ever. I did let him touch me until I came. I ran to the bathroom and showered, sat in there for ages until the kids were wondering what was for supper.

He refused to talk about this or the other episodes. Even when we went to couples therapy, he said that we agreed this as a fantasy of mine, etc.

I’m shaking typing this.

What was this behaviour of his? I’m thinking of going for therapy again for myself but don’t know how to explain these things/experiences.

Any insight welcome.

I’ve changed my user name, I’m here for at least fourteen years.

So sorry this happened to you op but this was sexual assault. Telling you that it was a fantasy of yours is projection and gaslighting, done to avoid accountability for his abusive behaviour.

You are probably experiencing PTSD and mental at need emir for the intrusive thoughts and flashbacks.
All the best with therapy.

Thanks Ruminating.

I think that I’ve held so much together for so long, I feel afraid that I’m going to fall apart.

Probably because you now have the breathing room, your past trauma from his abuse is coming to the surface. Unfortunately those boxes tend to open themselves eventually.

This was sexual assault and talking to a counsellor with experience with that kind of trauma is probably your best way forward. He used your fear of the children noticing to further his abuse of you, and it was really really sick of him.

Sorry you went through this.

I have no useful advice but sending a hug and kind wishes
I wish I could be as open and honest about some of my past but I can't
Take care of you 💐

I went to therapy after leaving my abusive husband. I began remembering incidents that happened. It was so strange, these things were big incidents that you couldn’t forget, yet I had!
My therapist explained that your brain lets in what you can cope with and some locks away things that are just too much.
I’ve just gone through the worst weekend in years since leaving him and my brain literally shuts down. I can’t remember the simplest of things.
These memories shake me to my core. I’d go back and speak to someone it really helped me, thinking of heading back myself x

So sorry to hear this. It is definitely sexual assault, something i have seen in court with similar incidences many times. Unfortunately (dependent on where you live and the law) there won’t be much you can gain from reporting it. However i would always suggest reporting behaviours like this to the police in case he’s done it to others.
You definitely should seek some trauma based therapy to talk to someone about it. Wishing you all the best, take care of yourself

Thank you for the kind comments.

Trauma based therapy I think does describe what I need.