Leaving husband - what/how to tell the children

[Usernameffs]

Hi, I'm leaving my husband after 20 years of marriage - it's never been great, shouldn't really have married him, but we get on ok, and have muddled along and have 3 children, aged 20. 18 & 14. I think this is going to come as a terrible shock to them, but I don't see any future with him. Next month, the children will all be away for 4 days, and rather than think, 'yippee date nights", I'm dreading being in the house, just the two of us - that's not normal is it?! So the time has come - no idea what or how to say it to the children - he wants to stay in the family home, so I'm looking for a rental big enough for children to stay/live if they want. Any advice please and really anxious/stressed about it. I have to wait until after exams have finished, so a few more weeks. Please help, thanks!

Dear OP I am in the exactly same position as you. Been with my DH for 26 years and have three kids, 22, 19 and 16. Same here, no major incidents, no physical abuse, but definitey a lot of emotional, financial abuse, control issues, silent treatments and what not. Finally said enough is enough and called it quits.

I really wanted him to leave, we live in a coop, do not own, as I wanted to stay with kids a little longer until they start leaving themselves and he agreed. We do not know when he will leave but there is a possibility that an apartment comes up in Jul. Originally, I told him he did not have to hurry, as he lost his job and is not in a very good place financially, other staff has happened too (a lot of heartache and tragedy), but he wants to leave as soon as possible. I realized after a day or two that no time is soon enough. Being together in the same space now that we know the end is near is killing me, probably him too. I sleep in the same room as him but on the mattress on the floor.
I should say, I barely sleep, I have so much anxiety and am so uncomfortable being in the same space with him now.

And of course we have not told our kids either and this is killing me. I really wanted to the other day but he was not ready. I am close to my kids and it kills me to lie to them.

Btw I spoke with my therapist and this is her suggestion. Sit down with all the kids and tell them. "Dad and I are separating (she says we do not have to give the kids any details as this is really a personal thing between and my DH). This has nothing to do with you but to do with our relationship. I am sorry as I know that his will bring unwanted changes to your lives, but you need to know that we both love you very much and will always be here for you."

And that is that.

I hope you find courage.
I relate a lot to what you wrote.
Especially the part about shock to the children. I hugely dread this.

So I want a divorce but am too chicken to make it happen.
I liked how M&B Gates immediately reassured their children in their announcement.

My kids were much smaller when we told them - and we did after we worked out the arrangements.
I think kids notice a lot more than you think - so if your relationship hasn’t been close and happy - it won’t be much of a surprise.
And also - 18&20yos are mature enough to understand adult relationships. So - I’d tell them first. As you’d tell an adult.
14yos, in my experience, are much more focused on their own teenage lives - so for them it’s more important to know how their life changes.

But I also wanted to ask - why are you giving up on the family home. Why does H gets to stay while you are moving out?
Do you own it?