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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Can a gay man feel attracted to a woman?

23 replies

Mongui · 10/05/2021 17:28

I am so confused....
I developed a crush for a really nice and good guy and for months I was convinced the feeling was mutual but for reasons which are long to explain, he would not reveal his feelings and the same goes for me. It was just a platonic love and neither of us are in the position to be honest with each other and reveal our feelings to each other.

I started to observe that he would “glow” every time he sees me: he instantly smiles at me and he looks at me intensively. He seems very happy every time he sees me and somehow I have noticed he wants to spend time with me and learn more about me. There is a good chemistry between the two of us and it was precisely because of his attention to me that the have not gone away and has been so intense. Even one of my best friends told me she thought he likes me. In summary, I am 37 years old and I think at this stage of life a woman knows when a man is paying her special attention. Certainly I thought this was the case, a combination of his body language, the way he looks at me and his reaction when he sees me.

I recently learnt the guy in question is gay. I have many gay friends and I did not realise my crush was gay. I was shocked, a bit sad, not because he is gay, but because I was convinced he felt something special for me, ie that he fancied me.

Of course, he cannot fancy me sexually as he is a gay man. But I was wondering if a gay man can feel attracted to a woman, even if not sexually attracted. I just can’t understand all these signs I observed during months and months. I wonder if I have to resign myself to the fact that, despite my age and experience I did not read the signs properly, and basically he does not fancy me, or alternatively even if he is gay he may still feel some sort of attraction which would explain all the signs I spotted during the last 6 months.

I know I have to move on but I feel so frustrated....

OP posts:
Fullofpudding · 10/05/2021 17:29

Could he be bisexual?

Nuffaluff · 10/05/2021 17:33

Maybe he just really likes you as a friend?
Maybe he thought you knew he was gay so he wouldn’t dream that you’d get the wrong end of the stick.

MadMadMadamMim · 10/05/2021 17:39

He probably just likes you as a friend. I've got a good friend who always makes me feel cheerful. I feel instantly glad to see her, she's lovely and such fun to be around and really kind.

I'm not in the slightest bit sexually attracted to her. I'm happily married and never been at all bi-curious, I'm afraid.

I think you must have mis-read the signs.

cookiecreampie · 10/05/2021 17:47

Have you posted about this a few times? If it is you, I'm sorry but you need to move on. Nothing good is going to come from trying to get with a gay man. I apologise if it's not you who has posted before, but either way he won't be interested in you sexually or romantically as he is gay.

Captpike · 10/05/2021 17:48

No.

sqirrelfriends · 10/05/2021 17:54

Gay- no
Bi- yes

How did you find out he's gay, was it second hand information? He could have been in a gay relationship in the past but identify as bi.

Kelly345 · 10/05/2021 17:55

You mean can you cure him if you flirt a bit and make a fool if yourself? No.

allycat4 · 10/05/2021 17:58

I'm sure you posted about this before?

Mongui · 10/05/2021 18:13

Hi
No, I have not posted about this previously. It must have been another post.
I do not mean by any means "cure him". There is nothing to cure! I am fully respectful to people's sexuality and as I said I have many close gay friends.
Nobody in the community knew he was gay. I found out because he recently supported a campaign in connection with LGTB. I was reading the information on the internet about the event, and surprise?, he was one of the leaders and describes himself as a "gay man". Cristal clear.
Of course a gay man cannot feel sexually attracted to a woman but his behaviour has confused me. That is all.
I feel a bit sad because I have to say I was beginning to think I was in love with him. I feel quite silly but I also feel a bit confused. I know I have to move on but it is certainly upsetting, somehow.
Btw, he is training to be a vicar

OP posts:
Kelly345 · 10/05/2021 18:22

A gay vicar? Well hold the front page! I realise they can even marry and have children these days, but training to be vicars? It's an outrage! I shall write to my MP at once.

Cowbells · 10/05/2021 18:25

I had a gay friend who I adored. On his last night in UK before he moved to Canada he had a big party and kept dancing with me. His gay mates started getting annoyed. Then he told me he was attracted to me. He was definitely gay. It was an absolutely one-off thing. I know another woman this happened to, and a third who ended up married to a previously gay man who fell for her. When the marriage ended (after a long while and not for that reason) I think he fell for men again. It's unlikely but possible.

Mongui · 10/05/2021 19:19

@Kelly345

A gay vicar? Well hold the front page! I realise they can even marry and have children these days, but training to be vicars? It's an outrage! I shall write to my MP at once.
Welcome to year 2021 Kelly345! @ Cowbells, your message is very useful. Something similar happened to me many years ago. My friend [gay] told me literally that he would never dream of sleeping with a woman but I remember he said that gay men love the company of women they find attractive. I do wonder if this is what may have happened in this case. He feels attracted to me at some non sexual level, and I interpreted the signs as being "romantic". What I have noticed too is that he treats me differently compared with other women. He is far more interested in me. No wonder I confused the signs. I was silly, I know, but on the other hand, he gave me a few reasons to think that I was somehow special.
OP posts:
Trinacham · 10/05/2021 19:21

Well surely, yes, it is possible. Not everyone is 100% straight.. is he 100% gay? Only he knows.

accentdusoleil · 10/05/2021 19:23

Sexuality is fluid . So in answer to your question, yes

WouldbeVa · 10/05/2021 19:28

@accentdusoleil

Sexuality is fluid . So in answer to your question, yes
Not for everyone, if he describes himself as a gay man he likely is.
Heatingsystemwoes · 10/05/2021 19:29

He feels attracted to me at some non sexual level, and I interpreted the signs as being "romantic"
What I have noticed too is that he treats me differently compared with other women. He is far more interested in me. No wonder I confused the signs. I was silly, I know, but on the other hand, he gave me a few reasons to think that I was somehow special.

Yes definitely.
I had a relationship with someone for almost 10 years which was as you describe.
I call it platonic love which isn’t exactly accurate as he was very romantic too. He was 100% gay and our relationship was never sexual. We were definitely in love though. Very confusing.

OhShitShit · 10/05/2021 19:29

One of my very best friends is a gay man.
We bring out the best in each other- I think you could say that we glow together.
At his 30th birthday his older relatives who didn’t know he was gay, were convinced we were a couple and wanted to know when my friend would propose because were obviously “just made for each other”.

It’s entirely platonic. We adore one another, and there’s a kind of chemistry- but for me it’s kind of like a perfect romance- because it has many of the wonderful things about romantic love, with none of downsides.

Of course sex is missing - but there are straight men for that. Grin

Honestly OP... leave it alone and appreciate what you have in a friend.

Amotherlife · 10/05/2021 19:38

Years ago I had a gay male colleague who I had a bit of a crush on. I always knew he was gay and didn't physically fancy him, but was attracted to him as a person and impressed by him as a colleague, and I believe it was reciprocated to an extent. He had a brilliant sense of humour and there was a spark between us. We even liked exactly the same novels. We definitely "flirted" at parties. I guess if I hadn't known he was gay, I might have imagined he was attracted to me romantically.

Mermaidwaves · 11/05/2021 01:18

I have a male friend and I glow around him. People have asked if I fancy him and the answer is absolutely not! I enjoy his company and can be totally myself so I'm very relaxed and bubbly around him, some onlookers perceive this to be attraction on my part, it's not as I could never see him sexually, I just like being around him. This is likely how your friend feels around you, not sexual attraction just a lovely friendship chemistry.

PandemicAtTheDisco · 11/05/2021 01:52

I had a friend who had casual sex with men but lived with and was in love with women. I think they always wanted more and ended up disappointed.

Ollinisca · 11/05/2021 02:29

This reply has been deleted

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SkedaddIe · 11/05/2021 08:21

I disagree with this being 'platonic love'. He's using you plain and simple. He is compartmentalising and getting what he needs while you are stuck in a box and not getting what you need.

End it.

He needs to find a person who gives him the love and connection he needs and not string people along.

ShineBetweenTheCracks · 16/08/2023 23:21

He definitely got the wrong end of the stick

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