please help me be realistic, i am so panicked

[panicked11]

I’m 34 and met someone amazing a few months ago. It’s been going really well, he’s late 30s, both said we want marriage and kids but in an abstract way, not as between us both. He is very very reserved and it took a while for him to be more open and vulnerable with me. But it’s the happiest thing I’ve ever had, I have fallen in love with him completely.

The problem is all I can think about is wanting a family. At times it is all consuming. I had a miscarriage many years ago (v v early) and have been told repeatedly that all is ok and have had scans etc. I don’t have a particular reason to worry about rushing but I am aware that it is better sooner. Also everyone around me has a family pretty much and I’ve wanted that for so long.

It feels so right with this man and I don’t want to be full on. He knows I want a family at some point but I know if I raised it now he would not be ok with that.. obviously as we have only been together a few months.

Any help on how to handle these feelings? I think I feel them more as I feel so in love with him too. I feel panicked by all this sometimes.

Sometimes I will see him over a weekend and be so happy and in love and then I will be working (like today!) and i will suddenly feel so sad and panicked that I haven’t begun any of that yet. But I don’t want to ruin things between us. He’s reserved and kind and sensible and he wouldn’t want to do that right now. I don’t want to either this second, I just want to relax a bit and enjoy things with him and I can’t seem to :(

Just calm down.

You have 2 choices,

Wait and see if it progresses to that, naturally.

Or bring it up prematurely, make it an issue and possibly scare him away.

So just chill.

It’s not like years ago though is it. I am settled with life so it is the next step, I don’t have a burning desire to travel or change career.

Finding it so hard not to think about and I want to rush it all but know that also that would ruin these nice times with him. I just wish I could be calmer.

As hard as it is, you just have to try and relax. Have you got plans for the future etc with him? Maybe you can bring this up in a couple of months?

Those feelings can be overwhelming so I hear you on the panic around them. They are natural and expected.

But as you already know, you can't put this pressure on him yet.

Keep a journal. Chat on here Talk to your friends. Let it out somewhere....just not to him just yet!

You will know when it is right though and it;s not forever

I met my husband in July 2020, we got married in March 2021 and we've just got our BFP. I asked him outright if he wanted kids before we even met and was very clear that's what I wanted to do ASAP. Fortunately he was on the same page. But I really really think you shouldn't 'wait and see'. I did that for about two years with the person I was with before and it just made me miserable.

Does he ever want kids? Have you had this conversation?

I think you should establish that so you know whether you're completely wasting your time or not.

If you were 21 I'd say wait and see. At your age I think I'd be having the baby conversation now. It might ruin everything and he runs a mile but better that he does it now than in 5 years time.

You say he’s wonderful, but you seem a bit scared of having an honest conversation with him? It doesn’t need to be pressurised, but do you feel that it may be a little one sided, as apposed to him being reserved. Just a thought.

It might help you to get your fertility tested. Then you know what you are dealing with. If there are any issues, you might want to push ahead with having a child (via a sperm donor) regardless, depending how on much you want children. It doesnt have to be about this one particular man, if you want a child soon then take steps to make that happen.

I agree calm down.

Firstly, you are in the honeymoon phase - give it a few more months and you may feel differently.

Secondly, if I was him and I knew you were thinking like this it would scare me off. It’s great that you feel this way but just slow your mind down a bit and enjoy and have fun in the present instead of worrying about the future.

Another 6 months isn’t going to drastically reduce your chances of conceiving so just take things at a slower pace and start talking about where he is in the relationship and does he want children in the future etc

I had the baby conversation very early .. hmm date 5 I think ! I set out my (very short timeline) as opposed to his many years timeline. He didn’t understand the biological clock much. Long story short we had our ds one year after we met. I was 38. Thank goodness as I’ve had multiple mcs since and don’t know if I’ll get a second. I feel we would have drifted a long time if I hadn’t set out my stall

And we got married too

You don't know him yet.

Don't make him your life partner now -get to know him first.
Trust me.

I meet someone and knew him at work for a year -general meetings. We got together properly in a January by March he had moved in and we discussed marriage and babies. Pregnant by May -and new baby and marriage followed. He admitted later he was 'playing a part' he had no intention and wasn't a decent husband or father. Worst divorce EVER and still years on I'm recovering.

Only fools rush in...........GET to know him.