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Children one day? - Sick of feeling this way...

6 replies

CNMRR · 10/05/2021 13:08

I get myself in such a state of panic... please be honest with me..

I'm 33 - not met the right one or had children.

I literally PANIC about missing the chance to have this?

Is it getting too late?

OP posts:
anthurium · 10/05/2021 13:20

It's impossible to guarantee whether you will or won't meet a suitable partner. It's a numbers game, and pot luck, and even if you do meet the right partner, they may not want or be ready for parenting (or they may have fertility issues). Sorry to be negative, but not everyone manages to meet a suitable partner and have a family in time.

Have you had any fertility checks done recently? It's a good idea to know where you stand and also investigate any issues that may arise as a result of a fertility check up. I had a blocked tube unbeknownst to me, and thanks to the Hycosy test, which isn't routinely offered on the NHS, I wouldn't have known and would have wasted time trying to conceive the conventional way (I'm 39 and have recently undergone IVF treatment and currently 9 weeks pregnant).

Have you considered solo parenting (if you didn't meet the right partner by a certain age)? This is what I have ended up doing: it's given me control and agency with regard to having my own family. Partners come and go, and relationships can be found at any stage in life, however fertility is time sensitive.

Good luck with your decision!

ChameleonKola · 10/05/2021 13:29

There was an identical thread the other day, so I’m going to copy and paste what I said then. You asked for honesty so I’m going to give it to you, instead of telling you you’ve got ages yet and not to worry, okay?

You still have time, but you have to crack on and be deliberate about it imo. The right partner isn’t going to necessarily drop into your lap, and at 33 if you still need the time to date, find someone, see them for a while, get serious and then try for a baby (which can take time or involve losses) then you have a better chance by being proactive and intentional.

It’s obviously possible but I wouldn’t be happy to sit back and wait and see either.

My advice is to use online dating sites, meet a lot of people, and be upfront within the first couple of dates that you’re only interested in a relationship that will lead to marriage and children within a couple of years, make sure you don’t get sucked into long term dating with no end in sight or tie yourself to someone who wants different things just because you get along and fancy each other. The guys who are also ready for that will find it music to their ears, and the ones who aren’t will run a mile which is what you want.

I was in a similar position at 28 and that’s what I did. Told DH on our second date I was ready for kids and planned on having them within a few years and would only consider a relationship with someone who wanted the same things as me. I think if you’re not fussed about kids or you’re younger it’s fine to have relationships for the sake of enjoying yourself but once you get a bit older and know what you want it’s better to remain single and available than to end up in something with an expiration date.

Never be afraid to take ownership of what you want. I found it was helpful mentally to look into whether I’d consider solo parenting and explore those options too as it took away a lot of the panic around ‘what if I don’t meet anyone in time?’. I don’t think I’d have ended up doing that ultimately for various reasons but it did help me to be very selective when dating as it meant I wasn’t happy with just any random person who wanted a baby, it had to be someone who really impressed me for it to be worth getting serious.
If you want kids then your fertility and fertile years are a very precious thing and something you should value highly and guard and not waste on just anyone.

It’d be easy to sit and say ‘ah don’t worry you’re young you’ve got ages!’ but at 33 a solid eighteen childbearing years are behind you and you don’t have as many ahead of you. It’s a popular idea that kids and a happy relationship just happen to you and fall into your lap but they don’t always so you should feel zero shame in deliberately setting out to find that.

alabaster11 · 10/05/2021 13:42

You have time, but you need to crack on. Date seriously, tell potential matches what you want out of the relationship during the early days. Don't waste your time.

I know plenty of women who've met their long term partners/husbands in their early-mid 30s, living together within a year, married a year after that, first child at 36/37ish and second and subsequent children in late 30s/early 40s.

Tomyoneandonly · 10/05/2021 16:49

Everyone is so very different. No one on here can say yes or no. At age 33 your fertility years are nearer to the end. I would go and have a fertility test. Many women wait untill they get to mid 30s and procreate well others are not so lucky. Have you had a miscarriage before? As that would indicate that you are able to conceive. If not get tested.

Grandbisou · 10/05/2021 19:54

If I had my time again - I would egg freeze. I was scared of it by the cost and the I think there were low thaw rates or something. Also the injections you have to do yourself. Now I wished I’d done that. I have a ds who I had at 38 (met dh the year before so it is possible) but have now had many mcs. With frozen ‘in time’ young eggs is be in a better position. I also looked at sperm donation and was prepared to do that. I know someone with two kids that way and doing great.
I met dh though OLD every single week like it was a job! You have to push yourself out there and get rid of time wasters quickly.
Hopefully, you’ll meet someone on the same page as you

Grandbisou · 10/05/2021 19:55

Sorry for all the typos!

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