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Original poster

So, he wants a divorce. Our of the blue

51 replies

ch33sy · 09/05/2021 19:39

He says there isn't anyone else, and that he's just not been happy for a while. We went through this about 4 years ago and it was a wake up call for what we were losing and our relationship improved, (or it did for me) but he says he regrets not going through with it last time and won't consider trying any more

OP posts:
Ollinica · 11/05/2021 02:17

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted

Original poster
ch33sy · 13/05/2021 12:47

Update. He changed his mind. Within 24h. He is now making plans for the future and doing jobs to improve the house. He says he feels happier, But I just feel numb and shell shocked. (I told him this). We went through a similar thing 5 years ago, when he thought he wanted out, (and it lasted about a week that time). And it made us appreciate each other more. (I had been totally focused on our disabled child and neglecting him) but I feel he chose to step back this time. I feel I should get the financial stuff documented (I'm also disabled and although I work and have a good wage he earns more than I do) I just can't bring myself to do anything. I'm not even binge eating!!

OP posts:
Stockholmvillage · 13/05/2021 12:52

He CANNOT do this to you.
He's breaking your trust, confidence etc everytime he does this.

Lozzerbmc · 13/05/2021 12:54

What a terrible thing to do to you! I think you have to decide whether you really want to be with him.

giletrouge · 13/05/2021 12:58

Whoa - what? Why have you let him walk back in lovely? He's treating you like shit!
Can you ask him to leave and give you at least some space to process all this shennnigans?

Sakurami · 13/05/2021 13:06

Is he trying to keep you on your toes, disconcert you or something?

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 13/05/2021 13:11

I'm so sorry OP it's horrific when this happens.

My husband did the same, said he wanted to leave, then I did my best to peruade him to stay but 5 years later he left for good, said it wasn't working there was no one else blah blah.

Turns out he had got into BDSM behind my back, fancied he could do better than me with some of the young rubber clad girls (didn't happen).

I hacked into his fetish account and what I read was just horrific - he's spent the last 5 years telling strangers how bored he was with our "vanilla" marriage and so on and so forth.

The betrayal was huge.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 13/05/2021 13:11

You can be quite sure there is something going on.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 13/05/2021 13:25

OP that’s awful-I’m not sure how I’d feel at that. What a head fuck. I think you should continue to get everything together and give yourself time to consider your options.
Have you tried therapy at all?

StarCourt · 13/05/2021 13:56

Op he is def hiding something. Either way he's a head fuck. Are you sure you don't want to divorce him now?

bigbaggyeyes · 13/05/2021 14:35

He shouldn't treat you like this op, it's hurtful and selfish on his part! Especially as it's the second time he's done this.

Get yourself into a position you know what to do etc of you separated and think about what you want out of divorce, talk to a solicitor and then have a good think about what you want now. Talk it over with a friend or even a councillor

TurquoiseDragon · 13/05/2021 16:14

That's a quick turnaround on his part. I wonder if his OW isn't ready to leave yet?

OP, I still think you should see a solicitor, find out what your options wouuld be if he changes his mind again. Make sure you have all relevant finance/other information, so if he does change his mind, you're not caught having to play catchup.

sunnyzweibrucken · 13/05/2021 18:28

Whoa...maybe i couldn't work thru this the first time, but the second time. No way. I think what he did was cruel and he probably knows that you will stick around now every time he tries to pull this BS. I think getting your finances in order is a good thing because who knows when he will do this again.

Notjustabrunette · 13/05/2021 21:05

I strongly suggest you both go for couples counseling to try and find out what the ‘f’ is going on with him.

Original poster
ch33sy · 14/05/2021 12:24

We tried couples counselling last time and it was a total waste of money. But we both hated it and bonded over our mutual frustration as to how useless it was so it was almost a win... but neither of us want to try it again. I have 10 free telephone counselling sessions through work so I may take that for me.

I really don't think there is an OW, I think the reality of what he would have you give up financially if he left hit home and he wants to try to preserve his/our lifestyle. I told him this morning that it feels like he is staying for financial reasons rather than romantic ones and he says that's not it but I'm sure it's at the very least an element. It's funny, I'm usually the one with my feelings on my sleeve and he is more closed off, but I've shut down emotionally. He's feeling very guilty about being the reason for this but that doesn't help things.

OP posts:
Shehasadiamondinthesky · 14/05/2021 12:28

Why isn't he focussing just as much on HIS disabled child? Why is it just you.
He sounds like a spoilt child, threatening to leave because he's not getting enough attention or sex or whatever and this isn't acceptable.
He is clearly asking you to make more of an effort when he doesn't want to do that himself.

Theunamedcat · 14/05/2021 12:37

I would go see a solicitor regardless and find out what your position will be

litterbird · 14/05/2021 12:51

I would immediately get a solicitor on board and get your ducks in a row. He will definitely do this again then you can get the flags out and wave him off. This is such an awful thing for you to go through. No wonder you feel numb, this is cruel and not what a loving husband should do. I think something else is going on here....what it is I dont know.

Outbutnotoutout · 14/05/2021 14:28

There is definitely OW, they are just getting their shit together. Or she has changed her mind and has backed off a bit.

He will pull the rug from under your feet again soon

KateTheEighth · 14/05/2021 14:37

He probably told the OW he was leaving you, the OW freaked out and binned him so he's back pretending to be the perfect husband

I'm sorry OP

bigbaggyeyes · 14/05/2021 14:57

What @KateTheEighth said

BumBurnerBum · 14/05/2021 15:02

Whether or not there's an OW, he is treating you appallingly.
You know you will go through this trauma again if you let him.

Needhelp101 · 14/05/2021 15:03

@KateTheEighth

He probably told the OW he was leaving you, the OW freaked out and binned him so he's back pretending to be the perfect husband

I'm sorry OP

This ^^.

I'm so sorry OP, he's being monumentally cruel and I would be planning to divorce HIM if I were you.
If you don't mind putting your rough location, perhaps someone could advise a good solicitor.
You're worth more than this, he's treating you absolutely shamefully.

DearTeddyRobinson · 14/05/2021 15:24

Oh god OP how awful.
First things first, you can find a local family lawyer here: https://resolution.org.uk/
Secondly, whatever his reasons are, you know his heart isn't in the marriage and if you let him string you along for another five years, you will be kicking yourself.
Speak to a solicitor, and confide in a friend if you can. I'm at the early stages of a divorce and I'm blown away by how supportive and kind people can be. I've only told one or two close friends as I felt somehow ashamed. But it's been a relief to have that unconditional support.
Hope you have someone to chat to, if not Mumsnet can be great for support on these topics as I'm sure you know.
Hang in there Thanks

LoveGucci · 14/05/2021 17:13

How could you ever trust that he meant what he said when he changes his mind so completely and so quickly and not for the first time.

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