Relationship with son - advice appreciated

[Advice2021]

We are both in our 70s and have been married for 50 years. We have a lovely caring 45 year old daughter who has 2 beautiful children, a nice house and a very good job. She lives about 50 miles from us.
We also have a son who is 50 this year and is a disappointment to us. The main reason is that he appears to be very uncaring , immature and selfish with no sense of responsibility. He has lived in Bangkok for the last 16 years and has never been married and now has no assets whatsoever after losing all his money on bitcoin (so we were told).

He went travelling the world in his 20s and ended up living in Bangkok. In his 20s we helped get onto the housing ladder in the UK and when the house was sold the £30,000 he received he squandered whilst travelling. He has had a number of girlfriends but they have all been from the Far East. He was renting an apartment in Bangkok with a Thai girlfriend but split up with her about a year ago, he now lives in a guest house in Bangkok and does not have a steady girlfriend but has quite a few mates.
Our concerns are that we do not understand his values in life and we wonder if he takes drugs, he works in IT and is very knowledgeable and has had some good jobs. He is currently doing contract work for a Thai company which is developing a Covid-19 app for the Thai government.
So in summary our concerns are:

1. his uncaring and selfish attitude e.g. he never sends greeting cards or presents to our daughter and her children, he has often forgotten Mothers Day and for our birthdays and festive events we may get a belated phone call and sometimes an e-card. At no time when we have been together has he ever offered to pay for anything. When confronted with any these issues he is always defensive and can get aggressive and self indulgent/self pitying. We have not seen him for about 4 years and whilst he phones us every couple of weeks he is reluctant to FaceTime us. The conversations go on for about an hour and 75% of the discussion is about his work.
2. his lack of concern for his future troubles us, he has no assets at all and no pension. In 2019 he received about £15/£20k in a redundancy payment, he did not work for over a year and told us that he was making money working from home through Bitcoin. But letters in 2019 from his bank to our address showed that he was regularly withdrawing £2500 per month. In early 2020 he told us that he had lost all of his money gambling on Bitcoin and had no money to live. We offered to pay for a flight home but he wanted to stay in Bangkok as he thought the job prospects were better given the COVID situation. Over a 3 month period in 2020 we lent him £5000 to tide him over. I said that was the maximum we would loan him otherwise he would have to come home. So for now he has a job which is not that secure and he is still looking for a better job in Bangkok. We are at our wits end because he is 50 this year and lives from day to day with no desire to settle down and move from Bangkok.

Well it can't be easy knowing your parents have always favoured your sibling and seen you as a disappointment. Maybe it's not actually him that's the problem. Maybe he's a product of his own parenting.

Well the overwhelming sense of responses here seem to be 'so what' - he may not be living a traditional UK nuclear family existence but he has a job, has friends and phones you up, what should he talk about other than work? His girlfriends - probably unlikely as he almost certainly picks up the judgemental vibes, his money - unlikely as you already seem to be opening his post and are quite aware of his situation. He keeps in touch, if he ever found out he was described as a disappointment I think that would be long gone. If he's squeezing you dry that's another matter but if he just hasn't conformed and is not as shiny as his sister then try and accept him for who he is and the live he leads.

"Most of your post just screams "why oh why can't he find a nice white woman who will bring him home to his nice middle class family and make him fit in"

This. It's not clear whether it's conscious or unconscious racism. A lot of racism is the latter, and such people like the OP normally subconsciously surround themselves with people who are racist like them, so naturally, there's nothing to challenge their prejudiced mindsets.

Given how you feel about him living in Bangkok seems ideal. Not really sure why you are complaining about it.

I think it's unfair to be disappointed by the fact he's chooses to travel and live in Thailand. Not everyone wants the 9 to 5 job, mortgage and 2.4 children. He obviously gets enjoyment out of other things and that's no crime.

I do understand your concerns over his future regarding no savings or pension but sadly that's a consequence of his choices and he'll have to cope as best he can. He may regret it, he may not, but he's a grown man and the responsibility is his to provide for his own future.

I would advise you stop lending him money as it sounds like it's making your disappointment in him worse and it's not helping bring you any closer together.

Regarding him forgetting birthdays, Mother's Day etc... I can see how that would be hurtful but sadly you can't make someone more considerate so it's perhaps best if you were to lower your expectations and assume he won't remember these occasions.

He's your son and you may not agree with his life choices but I think it's always worth trying to focus on the good where you can and I don't think it's helpful to compare him to your daughter. She's obviously chosen a path that you can relate to and aligns with your values but that doesn't mean that his path is necessarily worse, it's just different to how you've lived. As the old saying goes, life would be pretty boring if we all thought and did the same, try and embrace your sons differences and let him deal with consequences of his choices because it's really out of your hands and it's senseless to worry about things you just can't change.

For item (1) of your concerns, here’s a few thoughts on his communications with you, which might give you a different perspective...

You say he phones you every two weeks. How often do you phone him?

You say in the calls he talks about his work for 75% of the time. Is he trying to fill the time? What other subjects do you want him to talk about. What topics are you bringing to the conversation?

You say he rarely sends cards or presents. Does his father send them? Or have you both raised him to think it is women’s’ work?