Hi all. My DH is a hard-working and loving spouse. However, when he goes out, there's no limit to the amount of alcohol he can drink. He's never agressive physically or verbally, just goofy, and he mostly mumbles stuff and bumps into furniture, but he seems happy when he's drunk.
During the week he will drink 1-3 cans of beer on Thursday, but the hard binging takes place when he goes out on Fridays or Saturdays with his buddies 99% of the time (the remaining 1% takes place at home on a day when he can't handle his emotions, but I won't get into that). Some of his buddies drink as much as him and others never seem to lose control, even though all of them encourage the drinking/ partying thing. I want him to have fun and enjoy time with his friends but I have repeatedly asked him to cut down on the booze a little. I don't care if he comes back at 6 am, just not completely wasted please. I want to see some CONTROL over the amount of alcohol ingested, but it never happens.
He doesn't take this kind of criticism well. Looking back, I think my approach wasn't the best probably. It hurt to see him not moving a finger to change his behaviour and I was bitter and cold. He thinks I don't accept him the way he is. In all truth, when we met many years ago, this was our lifestyle for a long time. We would go out and drink every weekend—but I have changed with time. We had an alcoholic in the family and the dangers of alcohol abuse were very present in my upbringing, where as his family never cared much about making him aware of this.
We're also planning to have a baby and I want us to be role models for him or her. I don't want the child to think that it is ok to binge drink. I have explained all of this and also that I think it is unhealthy for him and that I can't encourage self-destructive behaviour because I love him very much. He listened to me but nothing has changed. I am not sure how this will make me feel once the baby is here.
On top of everything, he has been struggling with depression during the past 2-3 years and I think it partially has to do with him not feeling accepted by me and feeling lonely and smothered in our relationship. This is not a great atmosphere for improvement. I think our values are not aligned anymore. He perceives me as demanding and controlling and feels like he's always trying to please me. Apparently, he feels like he has sacrificed a lot for our marriage, but I don't understand why these things feel like a sacrifice to him. He should be happy to be taking these steps with me, shouldn't he? It did not feel like a sacrifice for me to move somewhere where we could be together, for example. I also had a lot more free time to focus on myself and pursue my interests when I was single, but I don't even think about that now. I think if he was single he would be living a more carefree life, somewhat bohemian (he's an amateur artist), partying and drinking and meeting people all the time, and he feels like he's missing out because marriage isn't giving him what he expected, so the sacrifice feels worthless. That kind of lifestyle is behind me now. I want to have fun and evolve and travel and pursue my interests, but from a more healthy perspective I think. He also says that he accepts me the way I am, so why can't I return the favour?
I would like to be able to express my concerns and get him to understand my point of view without withdrawing love as this only worsens the situation and does not reflect the way I feel about him—I don't want to hurt him or make him feel rejected. In case he's unwilling to change, I want to learn to be at peace with his choices. Can anyone relate? Am I being controlling? Why do his drinking habits affect me so much? Any advice on how to bridge this gap between us? Any communtiation tips?