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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Roughhousing etc

15 replies

FedUpNow007 · 09/05/2021 12:49

So as not to dripfeed, DP revealed he’d been badly physically abused in childhood not long ago. This only came out because I chucked him out for never being home and it transpired he was actually leaving work quite early some days but choosing to spend all his time elsewhere/at the pub.

There were other negative behaviours which he has now got the message and stopped.

He has a habit of slapping me on the bum, not a gentle slap. I’ve told him I don’t like it and he keeps doing this.

He also tries to play fight me, I don’t respond so it just turns in me feel like I’ve been roughhoused, it’s like a power battle. He knows I don’t like it but does it anyway. Today I had enough and yanked his hair to get him to stop - it worked.

I’m right aren’t I, this behaviour is linked to his abusive childhood? I’m concerned that this is a precursor to something more sinister. He knows I don’t like it, have asked him not to do it but does it anyway.

He doesn’t do this with DC at all, just with me. I think he may have also been like this in previous relationships. It’s fucking weird.

OP posts:

Original poster

FedUpNow007 · 09/05/2021 12:52

He also tries to play fight me, I don’t respond so it just turns in me feel like I’ve been roughhoused, it’s like a power battle.

OP posts:

Cherrysoup · 09/05/2021 15:04

He needs to stop physically abusing you. Presumably you’ve spoken to him and told him to stop and that he’s hurting you? What was his response?

cakecakecheese · 09/05/2021 15:08

He's continuing with rough behaviour after you've asked him not to. That's abuse. It very well could be linked to his childhood but unless he gets help then it's not going to help you.

netstaller · 09/05/2021 16:07

He needs counselling to address his issues and understand them. Perhaps his previous abuse means he doesn't understand it as a driver

NeverDropYourMoonCup · 09/05/2021 16:09

It doesn't matter one bit what happened to him as a child - he is choosing to touch you roughly.

Which is a precursor to more violence.

Janaih · 09/05/2021 16:11

His past might somewhat explain his behaviour but it doesn't excuse it. Its abusive and you can't fix it by yourself. Have a serious think.

Aquamarine1029 · 09/05/2021 16:12

What happened in his childhood is irrelevant. You have told him to stop many times and he ignores you. He is abusive and head got to go, no more chances. You must realise this isn't normal or healthy surely.

Clymene · 09/05/2021 16:15

So he's a drunk and physically abusive. He shouldn't be living in a house with children

HollowTalk · 09/05/2021 16:16

What's your financial situation, OP? Do you have children together?

It's a very unhealthy relationship. He doesn't respect your boundaries. It might be due to his past but it's not your job to cure him, nor can you do that. His disrespect shows he has no intention of changing.

HollowTalk · 09/05/2021 16:17

I know you said you have DC, but are they his?

riotlady · 09/05/2021 16:20

As I tell my 3 year old, it’s not a game unless everyone’s having fun. What he’s doing isn’t rough housing, it’s abusing you. You’ve told him to stop and he won’t, because he doesn’t care about your comfort and boundaries. He’s not likely to start caring, so I think you need to leave him.

Branleuse · 09/05/2021 17:03

Im not sure why his childhood is relevent. He spends too much time drinking. Isnt present in the relationship to an extent that it causes issues and youve had to kick him out, and hes also physically rough with you and tries to fight you. Hes supposed to be a partner, not a project

EarthSight · 09/05/2021 17:14

Listen to your instinct here. You know it isn't right, and yes, in my opinion it is a power battle. He's showing your who's boss, that he's dominant in the most visceral way possible.

I don't understand why you are asking if it's linked to his childhood. How on earth would that matter or be relevant here? Just because someone else had a shitty childhood does not mean you should put up with abuse. How long is it going to take before he gets used to you yanking his hair and for him to carry on or slap you?? You are having to resort to physical retaliation in order to get him to stop. It's so wrong and not a position you should be in. It's also a terrible example to your children if they're seeing this.

He's pushing boundaries and he knows it and I think it will get worse. Do you really plan on growing old with him? Could you really trust someone like that to look after you when you're sick or vulnerable?

You know why this is such bullshit? It's because there's no way he'd 'playfight' a powerful 6'5 man like that.

blacksax · 09/05/2021 17:16

He feels the need to be physically dominant over you.

That is not a nice trait, it is abusive, and if you have repeatedly asked him to stop but he continues, then it is actually going over the line and into assault.

Tell him in no uncertain terms that you will contact the police if he ever does it again.

I0NA · 09/05/2021 17:22

So last time you called him to account for staying out all evening he suddenly disclosed that he’d been abused?

I predict that if you sit him down and tell him how you feel about the physical abuse, he will blame it on something else that happened in his childhood. Maybe his dog or his gran died or he was bullied at school.

Because everyone has bad things in their life. Lots of posters on this thread, including me, had abusive childhoods. None of us ( I’d guess ) are physically abusing our partner now for “ fun “ .

If he has issued about his past he needs to do some work on it. It’s not a “ Get out of jail free “ card for the rest of his life.

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