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Original poster

He acts like I don’t exsist around his child and parents. I don’t want to visit. AIBU?

21 replies

Kelly134xx · 09/05/2021 08:57

We have been together a year and I’m expecting. Since lockdown is easing, most weekends he keeps wanting to take his child to grandparents and spend the day there with me. Since being pregnant, I just don’t feel like it. When I’m there, he won’t speak to me, is cold and makes no effort with me, like I don’t exist. I feel a spare part. All attention is on his child for the whole day or avoiding me. I’m not jelous, it would be nice if he said a few words to me or made some comment to his parents about the baby were expecting. He even made an embarrassing comment at dinner once about me never making him dinner. The way he acts towards me when I’m there just makes me dread it. I know his parents can sense it because when I first met them, his Mum commented at how affectionate he was to me there and it was lovely to see him so happy with me as she’s never seen him like this before. They’re observant and I dread what they think when I’m gone. I always act polite, friendly and make an effort to make conversation with everyone but deep down I just feel like shit. Not child’s fault or parents, I think it’s him? AIBU?

OP posts:

Bagelsandbrie · 09/05/2021 08:59

This doesn’t bode well. A year in and you’re pregnant already and he has another child he sees at his parents....?

Orangebug · 09/05/2021 09:02

So things are great between you except when you're with his child and his parents? Or are there other issues you haven't mentioned?

Ladydayblues1 · 09/05/2021 09:02

Its done now so it is what it is, but why did you get pregnant so quickly? was it his idea?

How old is the child?

messybun101 · 09/05/2021 09:03

@Bagelsandbrie wow, what doesn't feel right?
I am 18 weeks pregnant with my son. My DP and I have been together since February 2020.
He has a 6 year old daughter who we pick up and take to his parents on weekends to see them

There is NOTHING wrong with the @Kelly134xx situation????

NeedNewKnees · 09/05/2021 09:05

Massive red flags, OP.

WishingHopingThinkingPraying · 09/05/2021 09:06

It's him.

HavelockVetinari · 09/05/2021 09:06

I have to agree with @Bagelsandbrie - getting pregnant after you've barely known him a year was a bloody stupid thing to do (you too @Kelly134xx) but now that you're in this situation you should have a good long talk to him about his behaviour. If nothing changes it might be better to separate, it would be awful for your child to see its father treating its mother like that.

messybun101 · 09/05/2021 09:09

I'm sorry, I had to get that in there first before replying @Kelly134xx

Op, have you spoken to him about this before and there have been no change? Or are you looking for a way to bring this up to him without feeling unreasonable?

How far along are you? Congratulations!! Is this a planned pregnancy? Ours is 😁
Does he talk about the pregnancy in other settings? With friends? With you?
How often does your DP see his child? Does he have the dc any other time, or just informally/weekends?

Ladydayblues1 · 09/05/2021 09:09

To be fair, at 6 years old they are probably trying to reassure her and make her feel special. You've both moved very quickly to a pregnancy in a very new relationship and they could be concerned about their grand daughter's emotional wellbeing.

Was the pregnancy planned? you don't know what he has said to his parents about it all.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 09/05/2021 09:10

[quote messybun101]@Bagelsandbrie wow, what doesn't feel right?
I am 18 weeks pregnant with my son. My DP and I have been together since February 2020.
He has a 6 year old daughter who we pick up and take to his parents on weekends to see them

There is NOTHING wrong with the @Kelly134xx situation????[/quote]
What on earth does this post even mean?

OrchestraOfWankery · 09/05/2021 09:11

Why won't he take the child to see its GPs without you?

NailsNeedDoing · 09/05/2021 09:14

If he’s got his 6yo dc with him who he doesn’t live with, it’s understandable that most of his attention is on her. It could be that he’s conscious of making her feel jealous if he’s too affectionate towards you. What does he say when you ask him about it?

Would he behave like that at his parents if his dd wasn’t there?

Hotankles · 09/05/2021 09:15

Lock down relationships.

What your seeing now if the real him. I’d imagine many many other people who met in lock down are experiencing this too.

The only thing you can do is talk to him about it. If things don’t change leave.

Bagelsandbrie · 09/05/2021 09:21

There is NOTHING wrong with the @Kelly134xx situation????[/quote]
Getting pregnant so quickly with someone who already has a young child and also seems to spend the time they do have with that child at their parents is a massive red flag. It shows parental immaturity. (My ex did the same thing with our ds - the default parenting on his weekends would fall to his mum and dad)! It doesn’t matter now because it’s done but it’s too rushed. The op has barely had time to get to know the man and the child - the existing child shouldn’t have even met the op until about 6 months into the relationship and then the op should have been building a relationship with that child as part of his / her extended family, giving her a chance to see all the various dynamics and how the dad is as a dad and a partner before then deciding to extend the family. That’s what I meant.

HavelockVetinari · 09/05/2021 10:14

Whoops, I meant you too @messybun101

PicsInRed · 09/05/2021 11:18

I know his parents can sense it because when I first met them, his Mum commented at how affectionate he was to me there and it was lovely to see him so happy with me as she’s never seen him like this before.

This indicates that he treated his other child's mother with the same coldness and contempt he now treats you. This won't get better OP and once your baby is born, family court can compel that the baby continue to live nearby - unless you leave whilst pregnant.

How did he treat his ex? What sort of sentiments does he express about her? Does she allege abuse? Why did the relationship end and how old was their child when it ended? How much of the actual parenting of this child does he do, or does the grandmother take most of the burden (i.e. the reason he wants to spend the entire day)?

Do you have family out of town? If so, and you would need their accommodation and support, you will legally best served to leave town whilst still pregnant.

Cherrysoup · 09/05/2021 15:06

Does he only have contact with his child at his parents? Why do you go?

SmileyClare · 09/05/2021 15:12

I've experienced this type of behaviour. He's deliberately giving you the cold shoulder and belittling you in company with little put downs. It's not just wanting to give his daughter lots of attention.

I agree with pp, massive red flag indicating abuse.

Strawberrysaxifrage · 09/05/2021 15:39

What's he like the rest of the time? This doesn't sound great but if he's nice the rest of the time, could you maybe discuss your concerns and suggest him spending the day just with his daughter and you joining for dinner, rather than you being there the whole time? Giving him benefit of the doubt, it could be awkward as he wants to give her his full attention but also for you two to form a bond before the baby is born. This can be better handled.

RLEOM · 10/05/2021 23:23

My ex was the same. Behind closed doors we were really playful and loving, in front of his parents he was cold and distant. He said it was because he didn't want them to judge him or take the piss for being loving. I remember the one time his mum saw us playing, she commented that it was nice to see us finally getting along!!! 🙄

After our baby was born, he had an affair with his best friend, we split up, and his mum became heavily involved for nearly a year after we split - not in a good kind of way!

It's good that he gives his daughter lots of attention because he'll do the same to yours. I just hope he has treated the other mother of his child well, because if he hasn't, that could be you next. Hopefully not.

AnneLovesGilbert · 10/05/2021 23:30

I don’t fancy your chances of happiness with a man who is cold to you and ignores you. How do you both see this baby fitting in to the current unpleasant dynamic? Will he expect to take it with him to his parents or leave you and the baby at home every time he has his older child?

I assume the pregnancy was some sort of surprise giving the short time frame and how bad your relationship sounds so hopefully you’ve got your own family or friends around you and a secure job as you’re likely to be a single mum.

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