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Relationships

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Original poster

Long Distance Relationship?

17 replies

Flyings · 09/05/2021 08:19

Has anyone had one and can tell me about your experience? Successful or unsuccessful, I’d like to hear about both.
My current situation is that I’m in a long distance involvement with a man living 3hr 20 mins drive away. We see each other every 3-4 weeks and talk everyday on video call, several times usually. We message all day on and off too. We always talk before bed and first thing in the morning.

Thanks for reading.

OP posts:

Mermaid9264 · 09/05/2021 08:40

I think if its the right person there are ways to make this work.

Ive been in long distance for just over a year now, due to covid etc we have only seen each other twice in the past year. Still going strong, still talk all throughout the days.

Important to think realistically long term if one of you would be willing to relocate.

There are pros and cons to long distance I would say.

mindutopia · 09/05/2021 10:44

You absolutely can make it work if it's the right relationship. But I think you both have to be fully committed to it and you have to have some sort of long term plan for how you'll eventually make it not a long distance relationship, and a plan that doesn't unfairly disadvantage either of you.

Dh and I were a long haul flight from each other (11 hours) for most of the first 3 years of our relationship. We saw each other about every 2-3 months for a few weeks when one would fly to visit the other. We met working abroad and then work/visa issues/education kept us in separate countries for the next few years. I'd agreed to start a postgraduate programme in my home country just before we met. It was tough, but it was worth it. We moved to be in the same place as soon as we possibly could. Been happily married for 12 years now.

Puddington · 09/05/2021 13:41

I was in a long-distance relationship last year (NI/Scotland), we were only able to meet up two or three times in that time (albeit for a week each time) due to travel restrictions etc but have since been able to buy a house in Scotland and I moved here in February and we're planning to get married next year. We are blissfully happy and always knew we were what each other wanted and that it was worth it. Long distance was difficult but we spent as much of our day texting or calling as possible (we also played videogames online together and watched Netflix together which was a nice way to spend time). He also sent me little surprise gifts in the mail sometimes and was generally thoughtful and lovely which definitely helped with the distance.

I think it would have gotten more difficult if we were going to be apart for years more with no end in sight; neither of us would have "given up" but it is definitely much much easier to have even a vague plan for moving to be together. Best of luck OP

Nosexinthiscity · 09/05/2021 14:10

It gets frustrating when you want to pop out for a drink/coffee together or be a bit spontaneous or just fancy an arm around you.
Yes, it can work but personally I don't think it's ideal.

Original poster

Flyings · 09/05/2021 17:26

Thanks for the replies.

The main problems are the closing the distance eventually.
I have a DS from a previous relationship, his father lives nearby and he has regular contact with him as we are co-parenting. He’s only 2 years old so we have a while to go yet.
Ideally I’d like my OH to move here. He doesn’t have any commitments, except his job. But he is in some significant debt, so it won’t be possible for a while. He’s currently in the process of paying it off. He also loves the area he lives in, he said he feels torn and doesn’t want to make a decision just yet.

OP posts:

Original poster

Flyings · 09/05/2021 17:27

So I’m not sure if that’s a red flag or not

OP posts:

AmazingGrapes · 09/05/2021 17:33

How long have you been together? If it’s been a short time I can understand him saying he’s not sure yet.

But if you’ve been together for ages and he’s saying it, then maybe that’s more of a problem. Like you said, you can’t move so if he’s digging his heels in about moving towards you, he’s being a bit inflexible. If he wants to be with you, that’s a compromise that he’ll have to make.

But again, if it’s a new relationship maybe give him time to see how serious the relationship is for you both

LittleBear21 · 09/05/2021 18:04

So my DH and I were in a long term relationship for 6 nearly 7 years before we finally moved in together. For the vast majority of that time we didn't have a plan for how/when we would move in.

He didn't have commitments/connections to where he was beyond post grad studies followed by first jobs. We always knew his industry was geographically quite limited; so at one stage he even moved further away to get the right job. I could have followed/moved to him for most of the time we were apart; but it suited my career better to be where I was so I didn't.

Even when we got engaged and planned the wedding, we didn't move in or make plans for that. We wanted to enjoy the wedding first, and find the right place between our jobs without stress/rushing it. In the end we didn't finally move in until 7 months after we got married. (It was a little odd getting back from honeymoon on my own).

I really feel the whole time it only worked because we knew we were committed to each other, so didn't make demands or have fixed routines. We spoke/texted loads and saw as much of each other as we could; BUT there was no fixed plan. No "we must speak on these days or at this time". Or "X will go to Y every 2 weeks or once a month" etc. Or "we must move in at x point".

Yes there were times we really missed each other. We never spent Christmas day together until we got married. But on the flipside, it actually gave us a lot of freedom to do what we needed. In our case to put study and jobs first; but it could just as easily be parenting or friends.

So my advice would be, if he ticks all the boxes otherwise don't stress the geography. Do keep the communication open and frequent, and trust the move in will happen when you are both ready. We've been together 14 years in total and I wouldn't have changed how we did it.

Original poster

Flyings · 09/05/2021 18:37

We’ve only been ‘together’ since about September, so just less than a year. We’ve struggled to see each other so often with covid too.

OP posts:

Original poster

Flyings · 09/05/2021 18:40

@LittleBear21 that’s wonderful to hear. I love to read lovely success stories of LDRs like yours.
I’ll try not to stress the moving part yet or closing the distance, it’s difficult, but I’m going to try my best. Just enjoy the times we do spend together.

OP posts:

LittleBear21 · 09/05/2021 20:51

@Flyings Happy to share if it helps. Lots of people around me cast doubt on it going the distant and it's hard to filter that out. And it is a harder way to do a relationship, but if the person is worth it then keep going. The two of you have already fostered something strong enough to grow during Covid; that sounds pretty hardy to me! Plus as other posters have said, given the relationship is still pretty new, your DP not wanting to move isn't a red flag for me.

Original poster

Flyings · 10/05/2021 07:27

Thank you. That’s reassuring to hear.

OP posts:

Cherrytree71 · 10/05/2021 08:16

Hi, I’m following with interest. Am in a similar situation. My partner is 4 hours away and we’ve been together for 2 and a half years. We’ve discussed one of us moving several times but I have school age children who see their dad regularly so will not be uprooting them. He has family where he is and is very settled too. We aim to see each other weekly but the travelling and distance is tough. Our relationship is perfect in every way except the distance. We think our only option is to wait until the children are grown up but that’s a long time away. We are both late 40s/in 50s so don’t want to make mistakes either.
Happy to share too.

ShaaaaaalAhLah · 10/05/2021 12:43

It can absolutely work! My husband and I had a long distance relationship for 3 years! We only saw each other at the beginning of the relationship and 3 years later. We kept in touch over phone/video call/message throughout the day. We did things together, watch Films whist on video call etc (a bit sad but its doable). This was over 9 years ago! We were in different countries, time difference 6 hours ( him ahead of I). He then moved over for me and we have now been married for just over 9 years! I found it hard that he wasn't there physically, but he was always there emotionally. He picked up my call whenever I called vice versa and sent me gifts, at times his t-shirt which I wore to sleep and it smelt of him. Alof of little things which ultimately built into a loving and trusting relationship. If you were to ask me would I do it again, I would answer Hell yeh, with this man :)

Believe me when I say 'where there is love, there is a way' Especially when you can see a future together. To this day each time I see him I have butterflies in my stomach and he makes me a better person.

ShaaaaaalAhLah · 10/05/2021 12:57

* this was over 12 years ago

Original poster

Flyings · 16/05/2021 17:34

Just wondering how long it took you all to mention closing the distance, if it was met with resistance initially?

OP posts:

LittleBear21 · 16/05/2021 18:07

Well I started talking about about a year or so after we went long distance. By then I'd finished my vocational training and was ready to get a full time role; so I was willing to move to him. But he was very honest and said he simply wasn't ready and didn't want me going for a job just to be near him.

So instead a went for the role I really wanted, further away from him. It then took us another 5 years for careers and mutual desire to move in to line up.

I think it helped that: a. he always knew it was something I wanted (and he needed to tell me if he thought he'd never get there); but b. I was prepared to give him time.

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