I feel terrible

[morethanspice]

Please help me
I’m divorcing in my fifties, ex a narcissist and trying to take everything so I’m currently on low income and antidepressants.
I think I’m attractive for my age but no one wants to even date me. I miss human contact and intimacy so much. I’ve had an awful time OLD just rejected over and over. I’ve tried to work on my self esteem and gave a job hobbies social life but inside I’m dead and lonely and feeling lost and meaningless

Are you coming across in that way @morethanspice ? Desperate- lonely - sad -
That sounds harsh - no hurt intended
But please take time to heal yourself
Forget dating for a while
Enjoy your freedom , your friends and family
Work on healing your pain
OLD is brutal !

Sorry you are feeling terrible. I wonder if you are ready for dating? Perhaps work on your self esteem pursue more hobbies and perhaps volunteering or something. I know its lonely but dating when you feel so down is just going to make you feel worse I think.

It's a cliché because it's true: who's going to love you if you can't love yourself?

Not sure how long you and your husband have been separated but you're doing the right thing to focus on you. Nourishing food, regular exercise, daylight, doing something you love are easy to miss when you are running on low.

Have you tried any talking therapies? Can you ask your GP to refer you? Meanwhile look at Action for Happiness, they have some brilliant free resources on their website and social media.

I’m sorry to read you’re so unhappy. As others have said you have to love yourself first. OLD is brutal. At least take a break from it and go back to it if you feel ready.
Fill your life with things you enjoy hobbies, exercise, church, whatever and love will find you. A cliche but true. Good luck.

If you’re still divorcing I really think you should be focusing on yourself right now, and not dating.

You probably don’t realise it but there’s a lot of healing to do and that’s probably why you’re feeling so fragile. And for that reason OLD is the last thing you should be doing. You don’t need a man to feel happy, I promise.

Good advice here, work on yourself first as this will drag you down. I was you last year, separated from a long unhappy marriage and rushed into OLD straight away, I was desperate to find love and feel wanted.

All that happened was I met loser after loser, most just wanted sex and the constant rejection has killed my self esteem. The decision to delete all my dating accounts and just be single for a while has been liberating. I do get days of intense sadness and worry I will be alone forever, but then I think it's better to be single than in a crap relationship and I'm getting used to singledom slowly. OLD is the worst thing if you feel vulnerable, it's like shark infested waters, stay away for now.

My GP referred me but got refused, I got invested in someone who kept in touch for months over lockdown but was evasive about meeting once lockdown over, I’m missing his chat but know it wasn’t going anywhere. I’m terrified of growing older and being even less of a prospect. Men my age all seem so grizzled and unattractive. I just want occasional company definitely not a serious partner. I don’t think I’ll ever love myself, I never have. If I set boundaries then there’s no interest. I’ve gone from being a mum to being alone and it’s all too much

Concentrate on your friendships and building a new social network for now. Ask for hugs from friends and family.

Plan nice things for yourself. Start saving for treats/time away - even a couple of quid at a time builds up, so you have something to look forward to.

Do you have a pet? I know it's not the same, but having a pet around to love, welcome you home, cuddle up to and get up for, can really help.

Try to work on making your life content as you are, and do nice things for yourself. Eat foods you love, focus on enjoying the little things. Try to get to a place where a relationship would be a bonus, not the way you think you can fix everything about your life.

I know you are all right. I’ve got pets and love them dearly. I’m just a very tactile person and also sexually frustrated 🙈

OP, I am in my fifties and separated from my ex in December. I agree with the other posters I think it is better to get your divorce out of the way and work on yourself for a bit. That is what I am doing. I can see the temptation to jump into another relationship for company and intimacy but honestly if you have been with a narcissist and don't work on yourself it is likely you will end up with the exact same type of person.

I am focusing on myself and my dd. My ex is going to make it difficult for me to sort things out and it will probably drag on for a while but I am happy to work on me for a while before I even consider a new relationship. You need to be happy with you first and don't look to a relationship to make you happy. If it comes along later then great.

Ditto everyone else. Take some time to find out who you are yourself and be as sure as you can be about the life you want to lead.

That will hopefully make boundaries easier to put in place and keep, and that actually runs true for all areas of your life, including sex.

If you’re tactile and a sexual person you can rediscover and reclaim your own body by exploring it yourself, if you want to. That’s no different to thinking about new/old hobbies, your job or your self-esteem, and better to diy at the minute while you work out what you want/like than have the worry and added complication of a new partner.

You do not need a man to be happy.
First job - what did you want to do / like to do that you couldn't because of your ex?
Do those things. Have your home how you like it.
Second job - learn the advantages to pleasing yourself. Go where you like, when you like. You don't need to spend. Go to the park/beach/ walk whatever is near you.
Getting out of the house is important even briefly.
Spoil yourself, long bath and pamper yourself.
Forget dating and do things for your own happiness. As things open up join a club or a course - many are cheap or free - meet people and make some new friends.
This isn't an end, it's a new start. Things are going to be better from here on.

I’m terrified of growing older and being even less of a prospect.

I don’t think I’ll ever love myself, I never have.

Congratulations on escaping marriage to a narcissist, morethanspice.
It takes time to heal from that dynamic, & I hope you are organising professional support, & at least doing this online course - www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

The 2 statements I highlighted above are inextricably connected.
In the absence of love for yourself, you are seeking validation from dating.
Please stop torturing yourself with notions of being a "prospect".

As several PP have observed, you are not ready to date yet.
Healing first, focus on yourself, family & friendships.
Learn to be kind to yourself, & to accept kindness from others.

OLD can be a brutal gladiator pit, & right now, you need to avoid the potential gameplayers, abusers, ghosters, bullshitters & misogynists.
Instead, put that energy into leisure, hobbies, clubs, activities, friends.

You need to build yourself up - but right now (entirely probably due to self-esteem issues exacerbated by your Ex), you are weighing yourself very harshly by assessing yourself as a 'prospect' & then hoping that some random on OLD can give you the validation that's been missing from your life.

Stop judging yourself by whether you imagine you are a viable datee, & start building back some self-worth by associating with good, kind, people, & seeing yourself reflected in the value of those relationships.

Nothing wrong with taking a year out to just be good to yourself while you heal. And some guy on the internet is NOT the way you are going to restore your own faith in yourself - only YOU can do that, with the support of friends, family, & the professional therapy everyone who's survived a narc relationship deserves & needs.

That therapy also need to address why you feel you have never loved yourself, & how that might have come about through early life experiences. You will recover better, & gain the tools you need to navigate post-divorce life by investing the next year in YOURSELF. OLD is not going to make you feel better right now, & is counter-productive to this next immediate chapter of your life.