Is this common in long term relationships?

[Ismailia]

Been with DH for 14 years. Over the last few years I've really gone off him. I find his bad habits/ little things that annoyed me now irritate the hell out of me. It's like the things I didn't really like are now magnified hugely and it makes me squirm every time I come across it. Im finding him really unattractive (not physically) more him as a person. It's got so bad that I am on the verge of just not caring about the marriage anymore. He hasn't changed but it's me that has changed. I'm wondering if we weren't really compatible from the offset and I just ignored all the stuff that I now can't tolerate.
We haven't been intimate for around 6m and he never cuddles, hugs me unless I ask which I used to do all the time but now Ive stopped asking we haven't touched each other for months too and I don't even care now whereas I am usually a very huggy type of person and always cuddling etc.

It makes me sad that it's come to this. I think the worst part is that he hasn't even made an effort in the marriage either. Don't know if he thinks things are ok or he doesn't care either! We can go weeks without having a conversation and apparently he thinks there is nothing wrong with this as he has always been like this.

I'm wondering if it's because we have been together quite awhile and now I've just maybe getting bored or something and finding everything so irritating.

Bump

Long term relationships take work. I found some of those things happening in my marriage after 20 years.

We went to counselling to facilitate some much needed dialogue and it was life changing. Would you consider that?

Not to the extent you mention.

Of course married couples can get on each other nerves, familiarity and all that, but if you married someone who had lots of niggles that you chose to ignore, they will get worse.

Sounds like you are done OP.

No having a conversation for weeks for me would tell me there is no relationship.

That is not normal.

Yes, I would say completely normal, your both taking each other for granted

What you're describing is not normal in a long term relationship. Really you have three options, carry on the same, unhappily. Separate and moved on. Or try to both address the issues in the marriage, seek counseling, make the effort to have conversations, make the effort to be friends.

What happens when you don't talk for days? Is there just silence until someone breaks it, or do you mean you don't have meaningful conversations but do have small talk? Do you have shared interests, go out together, have shared friends?

You can't make the relationship work on your own and it sounds like he stopped putting the effort in and now you're going off him because of it (understandably). It sounds awful to be honest.
Can you find some things you both enjoy to do together and reconnect? He sounds very disengaged though - is it possible there's someone else?

Mixed opinions here.
AgathaX the not having conversations is a bit of a weird one. DH isn't really much of a talker. He's always been like this. If you ask him how was work - he responds with fine. That's it- no had a right arse of a client today or was really busy, this happened etc etc It's always me that starts conversations. I'm always talking and if I stop he literally will not start conversations. He honestly doesn't think there is anything wrong with it as if I ask him a question he will answer so what's my problem! I find it frustrating so when I can't be bothered I just speak when needed eg can you please get a pint of milk on the way home or something that. I have kids so I am not sat in silence with him as I pour my attention and energy on them.

@Tal45

You can't make the relationship work on your own and it sounds like he stopped putting the effort in and now you're going off him because of it (understandably). It sounds awful to be honest. Can you find some things you both enjoy to do together and reconnect? He sounds very disengaged though - is it possible there's someone else?

Yes, that's it. It's always me wanting to make an effort to improve the marriage. He agrees and makes all the right sounds but nothing happens and now I can't be bothered anymore. He doesn't make much of an effort with the kids too which is another big issue for me. I am completely going off him and honestly think we aren't on the same page on a lot things now. He gets very offended if I say this as he thinks we are really suited to each other.

Lack of intimacy tends to magnify other problems in a relationship. If you can tackle that you may find other issues seem less serious. But if you can't, or he isn't willing to, then you may be on a slippery slope.

It sounds like your relationship has run its course then. You're unhappy and frustrated and it doesn't sound like he can or will change. It's not a good role model of a relationship for your children either. The question is where do you go from here?

We haven't been intimate for around 6m and he never cuddles, hugs me unless I ask which I used to do all the time but now Ive stopped asking we haven't touched each other for months too and I don't even care now whereas I am usually a very huggy type of person and always cuddling etc

Do you want to get sex back on track? I'm in a similar boat - only had sex 3 times in the last six months. (His doing not mine). However, we do still talk lots and spend quality time together in the evenings, be that watching a box set or chatting.

What would separation look like? Financially and otherwise.

It sounds like the status quo of him making zero effort with you or his children suits him just fine.

Unsurprisingly, you have gone off him.

I presume the children are his?

If they are, and he makes no effort, he won't be any great loss in the home.

Perhaps if you seperate he might be forced to engage with the children if he wants to see them.

Have you looked at how your will manage financially without him?