Is it me?

[Ihavenoideawhatmyusernameis]

So I’m happily married with DD - so very lucky given how I was raised and my family set up. I’ll try and keep it brief but to be honest given my immediate family is such a shit show

My brother - hates me! I’m to blame for everything that goes wrong is his life. He thinks I haven’t been there for him (god knows, I’ve tried). He and his Ex-wife suffered a still birth - he accused me of not being there when they got home from the hospital like he’d asked me to be but I was. When I reminded him of this he simply said he must have forgotten. He doesn’t speak to me, doesn’t want anything to do with me and seems so angry with me but I have no idea what for.

My dad - absent, never paid a penny for us. Left my mum when my brother was 6 months old for a much younger girl (16). He was 27 i think. I had a brief relationship with him from my late teens to early 20s and then he just stopped contacting me. He wasn’t happy that we’d (me and bf now DH) had decided not to stay over at the last minute on Christmas night. He was upset because his partners daughter could have stayed over (she was still there when we left so she could have stayed). He literally cut me off because of this and told me he never wanted to see me again. I think it was an excuse because they were getting married and I was an inconvenience perhaps

My mum - the alcoholic - she’s sober and still in our lives but god I’m angry at her. For all the times I put her to bed. For all the times I preyed she’d wake up in the morning. For all the times she drank while we starved and for all the men she brought home. For the time she moved in with a man she’d know a for two weeks (moved nearly 200 miles away s) when I was 18 leaving me to squat in the council house until I was rehomed because my gran didn’t want us both. I’m even angrier at her for all the times she’s told me “it wasn’t that bad”. I was 9 and my brother 7. Yes mum, it was that bad!! She minimalises all of it.

I’m very happy in the life I’ve created with DH and DD but that doesn’t stop me wondering why my life started out the way it did.

I’m not entirely sure what I want from this to be honest but even now I often wonder is it me?

Thanks for reading

Sorry for the typos and ramblings 🤦🏼‍♀️

Be so pound of yourself. You've overcome so much. That's all you need.
You don't need them, you think you do, but you really don't. Stop questioning it, wont get you anyware. Accept and move on. It's hard but far better than torturing yourself thinking about some ideal that is never going to happen.

Your family are shit. They are unpleasant and dysfunctional.

You would be much happier having no contact with them and focusing on your life with your DH and DD.

Your birth family's inadequacies are not your fault.

Why would it be you?
You get to choose your friends, not your birth family

OP you have your own family unit. You are not responsible for anyone else's happiness, you cannot fix your brothers life and you won't ever remove the massive chip on his shoulder.

Your parents are the writers of their own script.

Focus on only you and your family unit, and cut out all the draining negativity, nobody needs that shit. 🌺

Wow. You sound like an incredible woman.

You have been through so much and yet here you are with your own family, breaking that cycle of misery good and proper.

Your brother has probably got a lot of the same anguish that you have/had and is directing it at you.

Have you or he had therapy?

And is contact with your mum a good idea if she minimizes the horror you poor two kids went through?

I think you are amazing and should be so happy to have created a happy stable family life for your DD. Be proud you have done this after your poor upbringing. Do you think wise to stay in contact with your mum - such a negative effect on your life

1. Your father left and cut you off because he was a selfish twat.

1. Your brother was damaged by the home environment. For that particular circumstance, the grief could have made parts of the day blank - and anger is part of grief. He could also have been manipulated by the adults throughout his life, as alcoholics are very adept at deflecting blame away from themselves onto anybody else in range.

1. Your mother was damaged because of her upbringing/mother (after all, who would refuse to take one of the children when they'd been abandoned?), her selfish twat husband who, if he was quite happy to make up a story where you were to blame for something you had no influence upon, was just as likely to make up ridiculous stories to blame her for everything, and then, by the alcoholism. She might not remember a lot of the things because she was drunk at the time and it's very difficult to accept the harm caused to others.

1. It couldn't be your fault - or your brother's. He's just internalised the 'somebody else is to blame' narrative from your parents. Which is sad, as he will never be happy focusing on wrongs others have done to him in the past and present.

1. DNA sharers can be shit. It's crap, it's not fair, but it's not your fault and it's not your problem.

1. Your husband and child see you as you are - amazing, strong and dependable. They're the ones who matter, along with you.

Sorry for taking so long to come back. Been in A&E with my DD but she’s ok and we’re home now. I’m going to get her sorted and settled and then come back in a bit.

Thank you for all of the replies. X

You haven't half been dealt a bad hand @Ihavenoideawhatmyusernameis

Echo what pp said - be so, so very proud of yourself. I'm really pleased to read that you have such a great family unit with your DH, you sound wonderful, just very unlucky with the 'family' you were given.

I've got a few shit ones, but nothing like this.

Never ever think it is you. Stay strong

Good to read your dd is ok too. Hugs x

Hope your DD is okay OP and I'm so sorry you had such a shit upbringing. You've come a long long way and you can make sure your family never have to endure what you did. You sound like a total warrior woman and an amazing mother. Stay strong 💖

Sorry for taking so long to come back. DD is settled now and feeling a bit better. Awful tonsillitis which has made her ever so unwell but she’s feeling a bit better tonight.

Firstly thank you so much to all of you for commenting. I suppose I just kind of think that it must be me because I’m connected to all of them and the relationships are so poor if that makes sense.

I think with regards my brother, I can see some elements of narc there. I researched traumatic childhood and this is something that can present itself. He’s very self centred, the world owes him something and there’s always someone else to blame. Doesn’t matter what’s happened, it’s never his fault. Even when he fucked another woman behind his wife’s back that was her fault. Poor woman deserved better. Considering my dad and brother have never met they share several traits and the apple really didn’t fall far from the tree given that both of them are serial cheaters and never to blame for the shit that they create.

My mom, I suppose I have FOG. That’s the only way I can explain why I maintain a relationship with her. She loves me, I know she does but I’m just so angry for the past. Pre covid she would visit every few months and when she was diagnosed with cancer a few years ago (thankfully cured) I was devastated for her. However, I know she’s never truly there for me. My brother is the golden child and always has been. He treats her like shit too. Once asked for £2k to allow her to see the grandchildren. Fucking prince isn’t he? But I know if he made her chose a relationship with him or me she’d probably chose him.

My family unit - fucking hell we’re awesome together and i really don’t know how I managed to have a family, maintain a relationship (20+ years) and now our DD. i know people who’ve had it easier than me growing up and their lives are awful now. Mine, in theory, should be a disaster but I was determined from as soon as my mum left that this would not be my path. I’ve worked for everything, have a good job, nice house etc but I’m mentally exhausted. Never had any sort of psychological support and have put it off as in the words of my mum “it wasn’t that bad” but I’m pretty close to accessing it I think. Nearly ready to make the call but really want FTF so just waiting for covid to do one x

Sorry, meant to say - I think my mums childhood was abusive but she paints it as idealistic and wonderful. In reality my grandparents were emotionally and I think physically abusive although my mum denies this. Sorry I haven’t responded to everyone individually, don’t know how to do it 🤦🏼‍♀️ X