Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Lovebombed..... Anyone else had this?

26 replies

WingingItAtLife · 08/05/2021 16:51

Argh bare with me, it's a long one.
I just need to get it all out and I'm too embarrassed (?) to tell my real life friends....

Left an emotionally abusive relationship in October... It was my decision. It was tough but I knew it was time. I felt pretty empowered and strong tbh.
Logged onto OLD and started chatting to a few guys. 2 fizzled out. 1 asked for a bath selfie. 1 seemed great.
Deleted the app after a few days because the ex found out and kicked off - mistake no 1

Carried on messaging the guy... We'd swapped numbers... At his suggestion although 'he never does this' red flag 1?

Over the next 3 weeks we chatted every single day. Constantly. Into the early hours. Red flag 2

The chat was lots of banter. But also lots of 'future faking' I think.... We'll do xyz when restrictions lift (weekends away) etc.... Red flag 3?

He also mentioned buying me crockery and things for my new house I was moving into.... I declined.... Red flag 4??

We met up after a few weeks (childcare held us back) and we ended up kissing very passionately on the first date..... Is this a red flag? We're both adults and wanted to?

The messaging continued as before.... Just as intense/funny/fun but also with him telling me I was breaking his barriers down and he was nervous of it .. and maybe I could let him in a little.... Red flag 5 maybe?

We met up two weeks later after work for a coffee in his car.... Lots more kissing and cuddling. Talk of being exclusive on his behalf. Red flag 6??

The following day we met up as planned and the weather was awful so I invited him to mine.... And we had sex.... We both wanted it. He left afterwards as I had plans to meet my parents

The messaging continued for another two weeks and a date was scheduled for him to come to mine for a movie night.... He cancelled with about 2 hours notice cz he had to finish a job.... He messaged when he got home at 8 and said he was exhausted. We had a phone call around 11 pm for an hour.

That's the last I've seen of him. That was the end of February/beginning of march.

The messaging continued. We arranged another 'date' but this was more loosely planned 'we'll do something on the weekend'. Saturday he had to help a friend... Sunday he didn't reply to my messages until 2 pm to say he had to help his mum in her garden....
I should have walked away then I guess but I was so sucked in by how well we got on, both via text, phone call and in real life. I really (stupidly) thought he got me ....
Thing is, it's now may and he's still been messaging daily until this week.... It's now been 3 days since the last text.
I'm not stupid, I know I should just walk away.
But I can't get my head around why he put in so much bloody effort for a quick Shag..... And if that was what he wanted... Why continue to message me for another 2 months??
And why is it so bloody hard for me to walk away?? I haven't had banter and a good flow of conversation like that with anyone before. I hear lots of people say how hard it is to connect online... Well I truly thought we had connected!!!

Don't know what the point to this post is but I had to get it all out of my head....

OP posts:
litterbird · 08/05/2021 16:58

Its standard OLD procedure I am afraid.....they love the chase and the love bombing, get the shag, keep you hanging on with nice texts whilst he dates other women. You are happy to text back, you are not demanding anything, sweet, he's got a nice back up plan. It's for you to get your phone out right now......get his number up......scroll down to the block contact tab and hit it. Do it now OP....go on....you have to do this now. No excuses, no but, but, but, just block.

Ardvark111 · 08/05/2021 17:32

You list quite a amount of red flags even by your own standard,!! Keep it simple and take a bit longer timeout from dating....

Original poster
WingingItAtLife · 08/05/2021 17:37

I didn't see the red flags until after he cancelled the second 'date' tbh.
The first time he cancelled I thought could be genuine. But the next time, if he was only working in his mum's garden then surely he could have messaged me before 2pm. Especially when we had plans to meet.

I just feel silly for getting so roped in tbh

OP posts:
Lunettesloupes · 08/05/2021 18:14

Hmm I’m confused about all the ‘red flags’. They mostly involve joint activities that you were up for too. What’s the guy done wrong apart from decide, after a few dates and chatting for a while, that he’s not wanting to take it any further?

Minikievs · 08/05/2021 18:25

I'm not sure how chatting until early hours and snogging on first date are red flags.

You had sex two months ago. I'd have either made firm arrangements to meet up after then, or written it off as a bad job. I don't really understand why there hasn't been a meet up in over months? I get he's ignored messages for a few hours, and was helping his mum (crap excuse) but that's one day out of over two months? Why haven't you met up since?

Original poster
WingingItAtLife · 08/05/2021 18:59

I didn't think much of it at first but from what I've read it's more the future faking that's a red flag.... We'd not met at this point but he was telling me he wanted to take me away for weekends and cook for me anf learn a language. Looking back it all feels intense.

There hasn't been any further meet ups because he says he's busy all the time with work. There was a firm plan for the friday night but he stayed on at work (fine, I didn't think anything of this)
Then two weeks later he text me Saturday evening to say he was free to meet on the Sunday.... Then didn't respond to my two messages on the Sunday morning until 2pm. After that I informed him of my child free weekends and it was always 'oh I'll let you know if I don't have work'. So I stopped asking tbh but the messages didn't stop.

OP posts:
Mermaidwaves · 08/05/2021 19:02

I agree with @litterbird this is pretty much every OLD encounter I've ever had. Everything going great, meet, sex at some point and then they cool off. It's easy to still send messages and still be dating other women. If you haven't seen him since having sex I would say that's what he was after, but he's keeping you as an option. It truly sucks.

Original poster
WingingItAtLife · 08/05/2021 19:02

I get that he may have changed his mind ... I understand that happens. But he literally was so enthusiastic for the first few weeks then it sort of dropped off a bit after that. I asked if he was still interested cz we seemed to be struggling to meet up and he agreed but said yes he was interested.
Sort of feels like he's avoided saying he's not interested.
Maybe this is normal for old, I just personally think it's rude to not tell someone if you've had a change of mind after you've been speaking to them for several months, quite a few personal conversations.... And a conversation instigated by him that he wanted to be exclusive

OP posts:
Lunettesloupes · 08/05/2021 19:06

Try not to give yourself a hard time though. It’s easy to get carried away when you’ve had a few good chats, a snog and a shag. The early days are still getting to know each other, and anything can get in the way of that, from work commitments, family stuff, him just not being that ready for a relationship or not feeling it that much.

Original poster
WingingItAtLife · 08/05/2021 19:09

Yeah I get that. I just wish he hadn't been so enthusiastic in the beginning I suppose. I did keep my barriers up for a bit until after we'd met at least then I started to allow myself to like him because j thought we got on great.
And I wish he'd been honest and told me he'd changed his mind instead of now just going silent after months of talking

OP posts:
Lunettesloupes · 08/05/2021 19:12

Yeah, as someone else said, he might be keeping you in reserve. That’s crap, but it’s the kind of thing people do sometimes. Or often, people avoid conflict so much that they would rather disappear than give a clear (and more helpful) message. Whatever…it’s him not you!

Original poster
WingingItAtLife · 08/05/2021 19:14

Yes I think I need thicker skin tbh
I won't be hanging around as a second opinion for him.
Just wanted to vent a bit I think

OP posts:
Aalvarino · 08/05/2021 21:18

Yes,there were red flags.

Yes, there was love bombing and future faking. Classic text book.

It's all a game. It's horrible. It's not you. He needs a constant supply to boost his ego.

Don't change yourself. I'm sure you are fine. Just raise your bar.

litterbird · 08/05/2021 21:24

@WingingItAtLife

Yeah I get that. I just wish he hadn't been so enthusiastic in the beginning I suppose. I did keep my barriers up for a bit until after we'd met at least then I started to allow myself to like him because j thought we got on great. And I wish he'd been honest and told me he'd changed his mind instead of now just going silent after months of talking
It is really hard, I did OLD for about 2 years and realised this was the state of play for many men. It can screw you up a bit if you dont get to grips with this behaviour. These types are ALWAYS sooooo enthusiastic at the beginning. Dont beat yourself up, just learn from this so next time you are more aware of this type of OLD man. There are many of them about.
FlorencenotRatchet · 17/05/2021 20:05

Unfortunately typical OLD behaviour as I have found to my peril. What annoyed me more was that I was very upfront- please tell me if its only sex you're after (I may have been up for just that if you'd not been such an arse). They would say thay wanted a relationship until they got the sex and then ghost me!
It can be soul destroying but once I'd wised up to the shit I could see straight through it. After dipping in and out for a year and vowing never to go on another date again I met my current partner and couldn't be happier.
My advise is to persevere ignore the assholes and bullshit and eventually you will come up trumps....fingers crossed :)

Skyla2005 · 17/05/2021 20:42

Probs married

Ayeshstar2020 · 17/05/2021 23:35

Fact it’s two months since you slept with him is the most important red flag. Block and bin him!!!

PerveenMistry · 18/05/2021 00:03

If you just got out of an abusive relationship, why on earth jump right into any dating let alone OLD???

CherryLemonade · 18/05/2021 09:47

It's not unusual behaviour on OLD sadly. I think some of these men are using it as a 'fun' ego boost. Maybe they enjoy the fantasy of it all, then realise they've promised you the earth and a future that they'll never deliver.

It's not you, it's him.

bangheadhere40 · 18/05/2021 19:43

I had one of these, it nearly ruined me and dragged on for over a year.

How they can be so shit I will never understand.

Original poster
WingingItAtLife · 18/05/2021 21:48

I messaged him and told him that I'd have preferred if he was honest with me that things aren't going anywhere
He replied that he'd not lost interest but was just soooooo busy with work that we'd grown apart -
yeah that'll happen when you don't see someone for two months.
Anyway, I'm not back on OLD.
I'm no longer talking to him.
I'm investing in my friendships instead as much as I can.

Seems like there's a lot of us with this type of story, sadly.

I find it hard to get my head around how someone can lie about so much tbh and put up such a front just for sex??

OP posts:
bangheadhere40 · 18/05/2021 21:52

Not sure if it's just sex tbh. Mine still messages now, not seen him in 8 months but I think he likes I'm an option.

It really is a horrible place to be tbough...I'm okay now but was a mess last year.

Original poster
WingingItAtLife · 18/05/2021 22:13

I have to be honest, it knocked me quite a lot. I've also had other stuff going on in my life too that has knocked me.
I did genuinely think we connected. Maybe we did and some of what he said is true. I don't know.
Right now I'm moving on from it and am determined not to message him. Not sure what I'll do if he messages me but I'll think about that if/when it happens x x

Sorry you've gone through similar X x

OP posts:
Rubyreddiamond · 19/05/2021 12:10

Just ignore any messages from him. No one is that busy with work they can’t meet up in 2 months! Block

Glitterb · 19/05/2021 12:17

Don’t beat yourself up about it, this is just modern dating I’m afraid!

Chalk it up to experience and stop the contact with him, he sounds like he is stringing you along. Get back on the apps and get chatting to new people.

Swipe left for the next trending thread