Feeling controlled?

[goldpendant]

I don't really know how to explain a lot of how I'm feeling at the moment, but I think the best way to sum it up is like feeling controlled or micromanaged by DH.

Examples;

Kid has birthday gathering at playground last week, I nip out to buy a small gift. DH points out that it's not a proper party, doesn't require a gift. This kid is one of DD's close friends and bought DD a present last birthday. I have to explain everything. I'm the one who does ALL the kid-min, so I don't feel it's right that he questions these things so much.

At the park, I want to get a coffee and a hot choc for the kids; "Really? Why, let's just have one at home".

It's over such minor stuff sometimes I feel like I've got no autonomy at all anymore. I am always pre-empting what he will say about the smallest of things.

I want to see a friend for a coffee at the weekend - this is a big deal, requires lots of notice because it is impinging on 'family' time. Yet he will book a camping trip with his mates and just tell me the dates.

He has financial goals such as retiring early. I'd love that too but equally want to enjoy my income in the moment too - I want to upgrade the car, no. Want to do some work to the house, no. He questions every idea I have or decision I make with such scrutiny it's like he thinks I've gone mad.

Sometimes I point out that I work full time too and that I have every right to the occasional treat, he usually accepts that, but I'm always in defensive mode.

Has anyone experienced this?

In most other areas of our marriage things are good, great dad, generally happy etc etc. But this is grating and I'm finding it harder to feel so squashed all the time.

Needing to give him notice when you want to meet friends for coffee is very controlling, could you take the DC with you and not tell him at all. I'm hoping you meet friends when he is out for work.

Micro managing of money would drive me insane- do you have separate accounts? If not then get one and either way just refuse to answer

I can understand discussing cast upgrades and expensive work on a house (though if it's maintenance it should be done sooner rather than later).

The micromanaging money (hot chocolates etc) would drive me mad and I'd put a stop to it straight away.

Me and DH have a joint account (vast majority of spending) and separate accounts where our "spending money" goes. Could you set up a similar arrangement? Btw if you do then you should argue for extra funds to cover things like kids party presents/playgroups etc as you are the one that organises it or at least for this to be budgeted for

He sounds like a miser, who can mange to suck the fun out of the cheapest bit of fun ever. A cup of coffee for gods sake, you didn't want to buy a round the world trip.
I couldn't live like this, and Dh and I both great savers.

I would think he is abusive towards you in other ways as well. Controlling behaviour like this is abusive behaviour and the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none. I would actually start thinking about obtaining legal advice re separation and divorce, you do not have to act on this immediately but knowledge here is power.

He can seemingly do what he wants and when he wants to but when it comes to anything to do with you directly (the car, the house, even a hot chocolate in the park) it’s a flat no from him. You are indeed being squashed here by him and he is not treating you as any sort of equal at all. He does this because he can and it works for him.

He is NOT a good dad to his children if he treats you their mother like this. Women in poor relationships often write the good dad comment when they can think of nothing else positive to write about their man.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. Is this really the model they should be seeing, after all you’re also showing them that this is acceptable to you currently.

I would also suggest you read Why does he do that? By Lundy Bancroft and do not let him see this.

Are you writing about my DH? Because this is him to a t. In the beginning of our marriage we had a joint account and he was overseeing it (eg paying bills and stuff), I had to confirm every little thing with him before spending. Ten years into our marriage I had enough (should have left him there and then). He borrowed some money and invested it and when market crashed lost most of it. Did not confirm any of this with me but kept pestering me not to spend too much. When he finally told me I was so upset. I finally demanded to have separate accounts in addition to joint one so that I can control some of my money at least. This was much better of course, but I ended up spending most of my money on necessities, house, kids, happy that I did not have to ask him any more, while he was selfishly putting his away. 26 years later I am separating from him, finally realized that he has been financially and emotionally abusing me all these years. It took at least ten therapy sessions for me to acknowledge this.

You are definitely controlled and abused.

Have you pointed out his hypocrisy re off with his mates for an entire weekend and you popping for coffee?! Cheeky fucker, tell him to fuck right off, you don’t need his permission.

What would happen if you said 'no' back to him, OP? "No, if I feel like a coffee then I am going to have one" or "No, you don't get to dictate when I see my friends/upgrade my car and I don't want to hear any more about it".

What would actually happen? What are you afraid of? Is it him shouting, arguing, sulking - what? Or are you trapped by the fact that you actually consider his views more important than your own?

What is actually going on, OP? Where are the bars of your cage exactly, and who put those bars there?

Would you say that he always wants things his way? Does he ever happily agree to compromise over anything? Do you ever have disagreements where you ends up saying 'Yeah, I can see your point of view actually, you're right'?

I want to see a friend for a coffee at the weekend - this is a big deal, requires lots of notice because it is impinging on 'family' time. Yet he will book a camping trip with his mates and just tell me the dates

This really needs to be addressed. He might be thinking that your place should be in the home, that your time isn't as valuable as his, or you don't deserve this time away. Therefore, when you ask for it it's under scrutiny. He sees it as under his authority or right to deny or approve.....whereas it doesn't work like that the other way around at all, does it? He just announces his plans to you and expects you to accept them.

Have you ever said no to his camping trips? What is his response generally to you saying no?

Some people just go through life trampling on other people - it's in their nature. They do what they like and can be pretty argumentative or combative. They are always right, hardly ever wrong (and when they are they only take half of the blame and make damn well sure they shoulder as much blame on you as they possibly can in the process). They see everyone around them as incompetent, and their partners as subordinates who have to be rescued from their obvious failings. Some of them are pretty blinkered and cannot see other needs beyond their own. They end up wanting everything done exactly their way. If this is recent behaviour though, he could be doing it to deliberately wind you up or frustrate you.

It's pretty difficult to have a respectful relationship with someone like that and I hope he does not match the description I've just written.

He's definitely tight when it comes to money. But life is for living and if you never do your house up or sort your garden or treat yourself then why are you even living? What's the point in having all that when you are old and you've loved your life with scraps.

The trouble is when you find yourself in different places it is hard. One of the reasons Mr relationship ended with my children's dad was this. He had no vision. He's not that as tight as your guy. He will buy drinks and presents. But he never looks at the house or garden and thinks let's do that. Let's repair that. Let's get a new something here. It bugged me in the end because I couldn't have the garden how I wanted etc.

It really depends on what you want to do going forward. He needs to let you spend money as it's up to you aswel what you do with it! X

Has anyone experienced this?

Oh yes.

It's over such minor stuff

All so small, all so easily deniable? How does he react if you question him (gently, keep yourself safe) on one of these occasions?

In most other areas of our marriage things are good, great dad, generally happy etc etc. But this is grating and I'm finding it harder to feel so squashed all the time.

I thought that too, I was quite happy when things were going okay but it wasn't until I was out of the relationship that I could see how bad things actually were. They grind you down so much you end up not knowing which way is up.

Attila's suggestion of getting legal advice is a good one. As she says, you don't have to do anything with it but knowing where you stand will give you strength

Confront him and call,out the behaviour. If he is a decent person he will stop. If he gets angry and worse you have your answer.

Turn the tables. Question everything he spends money on. Everything. Ask for receipts. Tell him its not a necessary purchase. When he gets angry/upset and looses his shit, tell him that you realise it feels unpleasant and degrading cos that’s what he’s doing to you.
He’s possibly not a bad bloke, hmm possibly. Give him the benefit of the doubt that he doesn’t realise what he’s doing, first.
Obviously if he doesn’t retract his behaviour, you know how serious a problem you’ve got.

I agree with the others, it's no wonder you feel smothered and controlled. He is being controlling and it is not OK.

I've got some similar issues with my H. I've made plans to prevent any financial control once I'm back at work after maternity leave (being paid into my sole account, claiming CB even though he'll have it taken from him via HMRC because he earns too much, etc). Once I'm financially stable myself again, I'll make further plans (depending on what he does).

Can you make sure you have money he doesn't even have oversight of any kind for? That way he can't question you about buying a sodding hot chocolate.