Carry on ?

[Secondtimearoun]

Dp and I have been together 18 months, he's been separated for 4 years divorced for 2. We don't live together, I have older teens that he has met twice very recently.
He has 2 primary school age that are unaware I exist. I understand that, he wants to go slow as the dc especially the youngest, still expresses a wish her parents were together and gets tearful.
Dp didn't instigate the divorce and often feels guilty that his dc are upset and that his family is split. He tells me often how much she has destroyed his life, he's gutted he built a life with her, wishes he had never met her etc but has to move on. They share the dc 5050 and are civil and polite over phone and text.
The thing I'm struggling with is accepting that she will always be around and he will always defer to her and I'm the one he's " ended up with " .He seems to think she is the best parent in the world and what she says goes.
She texts him all the time. Daily.
Reminding him about clubs, homework, washing, how to brush hair properly, how to wipe bums properly, can he stop doing this, can he do that..
It must be exhausting. She has booked clubs and activities for every Saturday and Sunday and has asked him for help taking them to them as the times clash. So this means on the weekends we are together he has to leave to run children around and we ca never go away or do anything. He says " it's for the children I have to do it for them "
She doesn't know I exist either as he says his life is nothing to do with her.
I don't know what I'm asking really.
I think I've just come to the realisation that I will always come very far down in the pecking order.
I love him, he tells me he loves me, we spend amazing time together but is this it for me ?
I'm 46 and my children are grown. He's 50 with small ones so nothing will change for a good while. He doesn't want us to live together either.
I don't want to end it, but after ending an abusive marriage I want someone to share my life with.
I love him so much. Part of me wonders if I should just wait it out and see what happens. He recently told his youngest he has a friend and showed her my picture so he's moving slowly but moving.
Will things ever change
I'm 46 now so meeting someone without similar baggage is pretty unlikely I would have thought.
I just feel sad

God no. Walk away now OP. You're at different chapters of your life and it doesn't sound like he has much time for you. Why settle for crumbs.

It's good he's putting his children's needs first as they are still young and need him as their father, but that's incompatible with your relationship needs. I too have older teen DDs so wouldn't want to revolve my time around other people's children, when I was dating I wanted men with older children too.

This probably won't change much as his ex clearly likes him involved like that and his children will need him for a good while yet. I also think the fact he's not telling them about you isn't a great sign either. I think this will make you unhappy long term.

You're at different life stages and your priorities are not aligned. His head is still in family life...his heart too .... as well as most of his free time. He is basically still in the relationship, the family set up....just detached. Coupled with the fact that he didnt want the divorce in the first place.... I would worry that if she snapped her fingers and changed her mind, he would go back.

He's moving on slowly, yes...but also reluctantly and with sadness. He has been forced to accept his marriage is over and so has started a relationship with you and is more than likely very happy. Its just not his focus. His priority. It won't be for some time either, as his kids are small.

You can wait it out but I doubt that will bring you much happiness. Splitting up would, I guess, be just as painful but short lived rather than years of waiting, worrying and agonising.

An honest conversation with him about this is needed. You have rights and needs too. X

I think you should sit down and discuss what would be a good compromise for both of you.

I saw a guy briefly who had his kids for a few hours every day instead of splitting the week up. I saw my kids a lot more but I had free days. His way of doing things didn't work for me.

18 months you should meet his kids. His ex should know about you and perhaps if she did she would schedule things differently.

He needs to be part of the decision making process and they need to work a schedule where they both parent their kids on their own days how they want.

If he wants to keep things the way they are then I wouldn't continue. His kids are important but you can easily work out a schedule where he is there for the kids as well as having a life with you.

I think it's a red flag if a man won't tell his ex he's seeing someone else, years after they have split up. It might seem a while, but he's not showing signs of being fully over it, probably because he's being dragged into family live more than necessary or is reasonable. If he was ready for a relationship, he would of grown some balls and told his ex that if she arranges clashing activities, it's for her to sort out by asking friend to help or finding a club that doesn't clash/ drop one off earlier, whatever to get around it.
When he has them at the weekend, does she go round to his to pick one up, while he takes the other? It's a fact setup and he should of said something.

'Daft' setup

I would be ending it and quickly. Obviously, his child do have to come first, but it is clear you play second fiddle to absolutely everything, even his ex-wife. There is no healthy balance in this relationship. Move on.

Op NO NO NO NO NO don't get yourself involved with a man like this. His prioritys towards his children and being bossed by his ex would be enough for me to see its a dead end. How are you ? I'm talking about confidence ect? Love will always be their for everyone who sees it so don't be tyed down just because you've said it to each other. I wouldn't have anything to do with a man like this.

Yes @Opentooffers that's exactly how it works. On his weekends she drives over and picks the dc up then drops them back.
She organises everything. She gives him a spreadsheet of their weekend activities and he goes along with it.