How to set boundaries with DP's mum?

[toodleloooo]

DP and I have been together for 10 odd years, so I know his parents very well and day to day our relationship is pretty good. However, over the years there have been some events where we have come up against friction with his mum. Things recently blew up a bit which have made me wonder about setting some boundaries going forwards - particularly for DP's sake.

Something I noticed quite early on was that she is quick to get to work if she thinks her help is needed. The first holiday DP and I went on, I was quite amused when: "whereabouts is the blue suitcase, mum?" turned into her digging out the suitcase, going through his drawers to find his holiday clothes, ironing them, and insisting on driving us to the shops to get him some nicer things. In a way I thought it was quite sweet and wondered whether DP had always needed her to do those things when younger and that's why she instantly stepped in.

Fast forward a few more years to us buying our first house. She asked if she could come to some viewings. Initially I thought no harm. But as soon as we walked through the door she would be going at a hundred miles an hour with what she liked, disliked, calling me over to look at something. I felt like I didn't really have a chance to just take things in and form my own impression. After a few of these DP noticed I was getting quieter and asked if all was ok. I explained it and he said: "Ha! Welcome to my mum. There's no way to stop her interfering so it's best to just let her think she's involved, otherwise she gets even worse. I just ignore it now". However, after that he did tell her we wanted to do viewings on our own and when she was telling us things about the houses we'd seen he would keep asking me what I thought.

Things got a bit worse as we bought a house and got stuck into renovations - she wanted to be involved and would come to the house when the builder was there and tell him to do something different. But gradually they improved after we moved in. We were making choices without her there and I think it meant she had to leave DP to it a bit more.

Then it came to planning our wedding. It couldn't go ahead last May as planned due to the virus, and after that our venue changed hands and could no longer honour our rebooking for this year. The idea came up from DP's dad to hold it in their garden to give us flexibility. DP's mum expressed reservations that it would be work for them - DP assured her we would take care of all of it.

I agreed, probably against my better judgement, thinking that I would defer to DP on managing his parents. But of course - it hasn't gone to plan. His mum doesn't trust us to get on with the planning so is wanting to be involved but in the same breath is saying it's so stressful. DP snapped yesterday and told her she's always been like that with him and she left crying.

Where do we go from here? If DP wants to I think it would be helpful to set some clearer boundaries with his mum - not seeing her any less but just making it clear she does not need to feel like she has to manage things. But I suppose that's a lot easier said than done? Thank you for nay thoughts and sorry for the length!

She isn’t going to change, you need to learn to live with it long term. Imagine how she’s going to be if grandchildren come along.

She definitely needs boundaries.
Don’t go on holiday with her or tell her firmly to not touch the suitcases. Don’t include her in things like viewings. Don’t give her a key to your home.

She sounds very overbearing and oblivious to normal boundaries that other people would stop at by themselves.

Thank you @DinosaurDiana - you've hit the nail on the head about grandchildren. We've been talking (just the two of us) about starting a family in the next few years and he has expressed concern she will probably take it up a notch in terms of wanting to be involved. That is a main reason for wanting to try to sort this now, but do you think there's no way to get someone like that to change?

@LaBellina thank you! Yes she was asking for a key to our house for so long - DP was quite neutral about that but glad I stuck it out resisting and eventually she dropped it . On a serious note perhaps that would have been a good time for DP to try to set a boundary with her but I get that he's had so much of it he just doesn't want to engage anymore.

Is there a way to keep up regular contact but make it clear we don't need the close involvement?

I would ignore her and keep contact between you minimal.

I don’t think it’s a good idea to have your wedding in their back garden, she will be involved and boundaries can’t be set easily. After all it’s their garden.

It's your dp who needs to sort this out. When your mum was overbearing at the house viewings saying 'ah that's just mum you need to let her be involved' - bang.. That was making it your problem.

So I would pull away or say to him you can't live like that. How far away do you live from his mum?
With my mil early on she would ring me moaning and other times panicking if dh hadn't rang her by 5.30pm (delayed at work). I let it go on for a while but then I pulled back on visits. He visits with the dc. He now has to listen to the moaning. Also he told her not to ring me just because she can't get him on the phone.

That was it.. Sorted. I am still pleasant and polite and visit now and again.

No, I don’t think she will change. She has been like this all her life and you could say why should she ? She’s been this way until someone else came into the family that doesn’t like it.
Im not in any way getting at you, my PIL were horrendous, but I sort of feel that she is who she is, so why should she change.
You need to do things like her not turning up invited, definitely no key to your house ( I actually took a key off my BIL who was taking the pi**)
But expect her behaviour to ramp up when you mention grandchildren.

@Guavafish I think I have to accept you're right about the garden wedding. Out of desperation it just felt like a way to still be able to celebrate this year after the cancellation (our garden is way too small) and I thought I could defer to DP on managing his parents. But I think he has had enough and so is not really actively engaging with his mum on the issue anymore.

Chimes in with what you've said @Woodlandbelle - agreed that I've effectively taken this on as my problem. Unfortunately we do not live far away and so there's a lot of popping in (on both sides - DP likes to see them in small doses!) which muddies things a bit.

@DinosaurDiana that is a really interesting point. I suppose I feel like I'm not exactly asking her to change who she is - e.g. I really respect and admire how thoughtful and practical she is, and it's great if she applies that to her own projects. It's just she doesn't need to help us out in that way? She can just come round and have a tea and a catch-up chat (same as we do with DP's dad) rather than needing to manage things for us.

[quote toodleloooo]@LaBellina thank you! Yes she was asking for a key to our house for so long - DP was quite neutral about that but glad I stuck it out resisting and eventually she dropped it . On a serious note perhaps that would have been a good time for DP to try to set a boundary with her but I get that he's had so much of it he just doesn't want to engage anymore.

Is there a way to keep up regular contact but make it clear we don't need the close involvement?[/quote]
I think she doesn’t really have a natural sense of boundaries so I think you have to sort of deal with it like you do with a toddler - there’s no understanding of boundaries from her side or she chooses to ignore them because it doesn’t match with what she wants, so basically your job is to keep explaining them every time that she is trying to cross them. Which is very very exhausting hence why I would keep her on arm lengths distance. My ex MIL was a ‘light’ version of yours in terms of not respecting boundaries and I would say the most important thing is to have your DH on your side and to anticipate on her crossing the boundaries so you’re not taken by surprise.

You can't change her, but you can certainly control the situation. Stop involving her in any sort of situation that requires input or decision making. She should not have been invited to viewings given you BOTH knew what she's like. Again, why hold the wedding in her garden?? There is bound to be issues arising from this. These are two examples of where you control the situation and therefore her reaction. She isn't a reasonable person who you could just sit down and explain how you feel, because her reaction is to feel a victim and run off crying. I think the only way to deal with people like these is just to not involve them in anything. They get the message eventually. My dm is like this but not to such an extent. We include her in zero decisions. We always tell her anything AFTER the fact. Initially she was upset with lots of questions/accusations as to why her input isn't important. We told her that we are grown adults and perfectly capable of not needing anyone's input. And stick to it. She knows now to not overstep. You have to draw firm boundaries now op.

You need to stop involving her by telling her anything. She can’t interfere if she doesn’t know. I’d look for somewhere else for the wedding venue. Would you be happy to hire a room in a pub?