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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Mentally checked out (long)

10 replies

Pleaseaddcaffine · 08/05/2021 08:19

This may be a bit rambling so apologies in advance.
I'm struggling and thought I wanted to leave but maybe I'm being unfair. He says he loves me, dosnt want to loose me and will do anything. I'm confused and he is trying hard but I seems to not been engaging.
Main issues are :
1)his self employment. He works 7 days a week unless he has his dsc.
2)he spends zero quality time with our dc unless dsc are here. I'm really worried this will breed resentment. No parks, no activities, no nothing with dc.
3) money. He has no pension. No life insurance and earns little for his hours. I don't earn a fortune but am comfortableand it's a lot of pressure to be the breadwinner and I m worried about retirement, which is 20 plus years away at least but still.
4)sex life. He's unhappy with it. I am exhausted, I work full time and have a toddler rest of the time, I'm flat exhausted.
5)housework. He is tidier than me but dosnt clean, he tidies if that makes sense. He's washing up more to help me and thinks he does his share as I don't wash up as often. I hoover, clean bathroom, dust, garden, mop floors,, washing, DIY, organise school/dr/swimming etc for us n ds.

He says he will work less but in same breath says buisness will fail if he does. So that makes me uncomfortable as I don't want him blaming us if it does. He is making an effort honestly but I'm just worn down from last year or two.
He says all he wants if for me to be happy and that would fix things. He says I'm tierd and grumpy all the time which to be fair I probably but I struggle with being tolerant when I've been up since 5am.
On the plus side dp does nursery runs for youngest which helps with my work etc and I do appreciate his flexibility.
Something has to change and I have to engage properly for it to work and I've suggested couseeling to help us but hethinks we don't need it as I just need to be happier.
Any obvious suggestions I have not thought of to try?

OP posts:
Pleaseaddcaffine · 08/05/2021 08:19

Apologies for the typos!

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DinosaurDiana · 08/05/2021 08:21

So to list what he dies do, he drops his own child off at nursery, he tidied, he washes up, he’s not happy with his sex life.
You’re not selling him to me,

Temp023 · 08/05/2021 08:25

Is it a new business? It is hard at the beginning, what are his plans middle to long term? Can he see things getting better and give you a timescale on that?
If he is working full time for your family’s ultimate future, then it is not unreasonable that you should support this by doing the domestic stuff, but there should be a plan and he should share how the plan is going with you. You should be able to see light at the end of the tunnel.

Pleaseaddcaffine · 08/05/2021 08:26

5 years ish I think maybe a year or two out.

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DinosaurDiana · 08/05/2021 08:29

Are you married ? I can’t see if you are or not.

Pleaseaddcaffine · 08/05/2021 08:32

Nope hence the dp not dh

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EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 08/05/2021 08:40

He says he loves me, dosnt want to loose me and will do anything

Am I reading it right that the only "do anything" so far has been that he's done a bit more washing up?

How confident (or not) are you that his business plan will succeed?

Pleaseaddcaffine · 08/05/2021 08:44

Err I honestly don't know. He dosnt share much tbh and won't go through how much he actually earns but says he has no money and no savings.
I personally don't think he's suited in some way for self employment. He's only ever been self employed and his last business was oaky but failed about 7 years ago, retail based so not same industry.

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SapatSea · 08/05/2021 16:55

If he works 7 days a week but has no money that's a failed business. Does he contibute money to the household? You should know how much he earns, he sounds very secretive about it. You say "he doesn't share much" - that can't be good for trust and openess in the rl, if he is closed off.

Pleaseaddcaffine · 08/05/2021 17:23

He seems to not know his financial position really. He does contribute but I own house so just half bills which is 350 a month

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