Frenemy

[KinseyWinsey]

So I have this 'friend'.

We've known each other for over ten years. Kids were at the same school and were friends.

She hasn't been especially nice to me over the years. Minor stuff like talking to other friends on the 'phone for up to 30 mins whilst I was visiting, not inviting me to her birthday celebrations, blatantly using me for childcare whenever possible, other stuff that has involved other friends too. All quite hurtful.

I'm actually disposable to her and of not much social value. She would absolutely dump an arrangement with me if something better came up.

I've moved away up north nearly two years ago now. She still calls me up occasionally. Less and less now and I only answer the 'phone every other call now.

She has since had a shitty divorce and she and her kids want to come and visit. She still calls me occasionally to tell me horror stories about her vile ex. She's no angel either and it was all very toxic. I'm glad she's out of it.

I don't mind the kids visiting even though they have treated mine dcs as disposable too. My dcs would like to see them.

However, I do not want her to visit. I just don't really want to be her friend or be considered her friend because I realise how horribly shabbily she has behaved towards me over the years.

However, she has had a very bad time of it recently and is wanting to visit ASAP Covid restrictions are reduced even further.

What do I do? Tell her the truth frankly? I'd rather avoid any drama and I don't want to come across as attacking her when she's down. But I don't see why she would want to visit when I am clearly not of any value to her as a friend. I thought my moving away would mean I could simply fade from view.

She's persistent and pushy over things like this. I just can't be arsed. Life's too short etc. plus I don't want to hate myself for being a doormat.

just say no to visit, "i know you are having a hard time and need to get away, but I am afraid i dont feel comfortable with you and the kids visiting here". thats it.. if she starts an argument dont engage.if she stops talking to you, then no loss anyway as you are not interested in the friendship anyway

Why on earth are you so worried about upsetting her? Was she worried about you when she behaved badly towards you?
She wants to use you again, and you should not feel bad about saying no. It sounds like any problems in her own life are down to her own behaviour.
You don't owe her anything. Tell her no, don't make any excuses. And then block her. Those sort of people have a habit of getting their own way, trampling over other people in the process. So don't give her that opportunity.

Honestly I would tell her No . Not easy I know, I've been there. Best thing I ever did was go NC and we had been friends since school. She treated me as lower than a dog at times. My life improved immensely . Do not feel guilty or give her another second of your time . She is not worthy.

Thing is then my dcs will be really upset because they want to see her dcs. They miss their old friends.

You need to think of yourself here and as you say she has also treat your DC's shabbily too. They will make new friends . So will you ..let her go !

Suggests she stays locally and you meet up for a few days whilst she's fairly local?

Does she just want a cheap holiday where you do the work and your kids entertain hers?

Thing is then my dcs will be really upset because they want to see her dcs. They miss their old friends

If they haven't seen these kids for 2 years they aren't really friends anymore. And actually it's tough if they're upset, you're the boss and you'd be daft to go along with this to avoid kids being upset.

If you don't want to be honest can't you fib and say you're over run at work , ill in laws or scared of covid.or something.

Just slowly prise her out of your life

My sisters like this and I have a private rule that I’d never let her into my happy home

She has no idea

I do all the visiting on my terms and it’s much better

Do that
But frankly I’d drop her

Your dc's will get over it, just rip the plaster off, tell them they won't be visiting, then distract the kids with chocolate. They probably won't mention it again.

As for your old friend, same approach. Is she expecting to stay with you? Is there even room? If you don't feel like being blunt, make up an excuse. There's no room, spare room is now an office, you're having work done for the next 12 months, you're away that week, you have other people staying. Or, just tell her no, that won't work for you. Sounds like she's using you for a cheap / free break. The quicker you tell her it's not possible, the quicker you can put it out of your mind and move on.

I agree, she's using you. I bet if she did come, it would be to use you as an unpaid therapist. I think also this is an extension of the shit treatment. She's probably thinking she can just pick you back up as a friend for her own convenience but her behaviour said it all. I'd say, say no to the visit and don't reply any further. Hot and cold?? Cold it is love!!

Yes. She's a total user. I think she does like me but she is quite mercenary in many ways.

I will just dodge. But eventually she will want an outright discussion about it all which will be tedious. Perhaps I should just her the truth. Don't want to kick a dog when it's down though.

I don't blame you. I had a situation where in my late 20s I realised how awfully a friend I'd had since my teens had treated me. She treated me as lower status than her. That was it in a nutshell really, which perhaps doesn't sound too bad but I'd had enough.

I survived a breakup and a relocation and she will think that you're so conventional, so conservative, cut her off because she isn't married I suspect.

I would tell her that you haven't got enough in your tank to be her therapist and that you cannot try. Ask her if she's seeing a therapist. (I saw one when I left my x! people do!).

If you feel like you're done, you've nothing to lose by kindly telling her your truth and what you cannot take any more of.

I could tell her my side of things but no point as she would feign shock. And you know how that works out. I become the mad snowflake. So better I keep to lying low and she finds other friends that are wealthy and glamorous enough to keep her interest.

Yes, be too boring for her.

X

You owe her nothing. You don’t even owe her a reply. I wouldn’t waste your effort on the slow fade as you’ve said she actively uses you.

You also mention that her children treat yours in the same way. Please don’t encourage this friendship - you are only normalising it for them and it could damage their perspective of their own future relationships. Give them that gift now, ‘watch & learn with mummy’

So OP, you accept being used and treated like shit.

Your children were too.

Do you like your children being treated poorly?
Is that what you want for your children?
Is that what you aspire for, for your children?

Why would you clearly, and repeatedly send a message to your children that you think it's ok for them to be treated badly by their friends?

You want them to be walked over, have low self esteem and no respect?

Thats what you want for your children.

Your poor poor children.

I just cannot imagine any mother standing by and allowing their children to be treated badly and used.
Bizarre.

You have accepted being used and treated badly and thats what you want for your children too?🤦‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️

What you should do if you cared about your children is block this woman and never have anything to do with her again, AND tell your children that NO her children will not be visiting because they are not nice and didn't treat them well and we don't allow people to treat us badly.

That's what a loving parent does OP.

Say no and teach your kids self respect.

Just stop answering the phone. It’s easy to block-physically easy, the emotions and guilt are harder to deal with, even if it’s the right thing to do. My friend also wanted to visit (we live near a tourist attraction she wanted to take her kids to) and I eventually had to block her, she was just far too persistent.

Your DC's will only be upset if you've already told them that they might come for a visit. Can't help but think it's a bad idea to mention anything about a possible visit, if you already have, then you've created your own drama somewhat.