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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Dating Dilemma

25 replies

soulx · 07/05/2021 16:34

Ok, I'm going to sound like I'm a limp lettuce or a people pleaser, but I'm not, just looking for a some advice.
(Long time poster, but I've name changed for this)

I was briefly dating a guy for a couple of months, he ended it saying he wasn't interested in anything long-term.
I started dating other guys again.
I got back in touch with the first guy as I had to return something to him, we both agreed with had great chemistry and we should become FWB.
I met second guy, had a few dates, but as it was lockdown we were only going on walking dates, but we got on really well and I see a potential of a relationship (so goes he).

In the mean time first guy and I were getting closer and have agreed to start 'dating' rather than just shagging.

I really like the first guy, and never would have looked to date anyone else if he hadn't ended it previously.
I think he's commitment phobic and I have told him I am only interested in dating guys who share my goals of a long term relationship and child etc (obviously no expectation that this relationship would end up like that, but I'm definitely looking for someone to settle down with - I'm 30s)
First guy agrees that's what he is looking for too, and we should see where it goes.

Great.

But what do I do about the second guy?
We have become quite close and I'm very fond of him, I don't want to hurt his feelings and if possible I would like to leave the door open if I become single again (and he is still single).
I can't tell him about the first guy, he would be really upset.

I don't know how I got myself in this situation! My friends think it's hilarious as I am famously single, I have been for years and now I have 2 guys in the go!
I blame MN completely because I lurk on the dating threads and that has taught me to have really low expectations of guys OLD and to keep lots of irons in the fire.
I thought I was following the rules, but now I've ended up being a bitch, leading the second guy on.
He's going through a rough patch as well with work and really values my advice/listening ear which makes me feel even more guilty.

I don't feel guilty about the first guy as it's also his fault I'm in this situation (joke) but I want to be with him and not mess that up either.

Please help (I know I'm pathetic, I'm not used to dealing with this stuff!)

OP posts:

Lovelydiscusfish · 07/05/2021 16:47

You’re not pathetic, I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong really (did guy 2 think you were exclusive? I mean, whatever he THOUGHT, unless you said you were he shouldn’t have assumed it).

You will have to tell him that you’ve reconnected with an ex tho, but that you really enjoyed spending time with him and if it doesn’t work out with the ex can you call him up?

He might be fine with it, might not. Worth a try anyway.

Good luck!

Sakurami · 07/05/2021 19:21

I'd be a bit wary of the first guy if you think he's a commitment phobic and he's already messed you around

seensome · 07/05/2021 19:36

Well you can either keep them both casual.. but that's not going to last if want you really want is to settle down, you know this isn't going to happen with the first guy and quite honestly if you like the 2nd guy enough you wouldn't even still be thinking of the first one, neither are a long term prospect, keep dating until you find the one.

Sandra15 · 08/05/2021 00:08

@Sakurami

I'd be a bit wary of the first guy if you think he's a commitment phobic and he's already messed you around

You've confused me. You said that "I am only interested in dating guys who share my goals of a long term relationship and child". So why did you waste your time and set the bar so low "we both agreed we had great chemistry and we should become FWB."

Did you think that would be a lead-in to a committed relationship?

It seems to me neither of them fit the bill. The first one appears flaky and has mucked you about. You say you are "fond of" the second bloke, which isn't a recipe for a committed relationship with a child. It's a recipe for a good mate.

Sandra15 · 08/05/2021 00:09

Obviously my post above was directed at the OP not Sakurami!

SpringlikeBunk · 08/05/2021 00:52

I agree with pps - I don't think either is right for you or you wouldn't be asking - you don't seem overwhelmed with guy two and guy one is unreliable?

If guy two was perfect and you were really attracted to him, you'd not even think about guy one.

If you can juggle, keep them both (I would but I don't want a child and have no deadline to settle down)?

Maybe see if there's more chemistry with guy two as lockdown eases and you aren't just doing walking dates.

But I'd certainly still be open to meeting someone new as neither seems quite right.

WatieKatie · 08/05/2021 01:01

I think the first guy is bad news.

I’d date them both over the next 3 to 6 months and see where it goes.

Justa47 · 08/05/2021 02:40

@WatieKatie

Agree

sofato5miles · 08/05/2021 02:46

Your love won't transcend G1's personality. G2 still sounds like a better bet.

I gave discovered the hideousness of breaking up with people since i divorced and now it makes me much more circumspect about what i start..

CherryLemonade · 08/05/2021 09:25

I'd probably let a bit more time pass before making a decision, just dont make any commitments to being exclusive with G2. I think the first one may mess you around again, so be careful.

Original poster

soulx · 08/05/2021 09:55

Thanks for not crucifying me everyone.
It started off fun, and interesting to be seeing them both, but although we have never said we are exclusive - that is definitely the assumption.

The reason I went back to the first guy for FWB was because I was lonely after being single for so long. I love being single and have a good, busy, happy life, but having someone to hold me and have sex with and some make companionship reminded made me feel great and I thought that was fine until someone more permanent came along (of didn't).

I personally think we are great together, and I guess he does too because now he is happily wanting to see more of me and is more affectionate etc.
You don't know what the future holds, but being with the first guy makes me feel like I'm home and if that feeling remains and the relationship develops I think we could have a great relationship.

I would choose him over the second guy every-time.

I also would see if the second guy was available the moment me and the first guy split up, because he also has some lovely qualities and he is much more family oriented (although I doubt he would get married - which is ok - I'm been married before and the divorce wasn't worth it! But I would like a long term stable relationship and someone who was interesting in raising a child together, he is interested/looking for that too.)

What I'm really asking for is advice of how to break it off with the second guy, which doesn't hurt him (I think he's very serious about me) and hopefully means we could potentially still date in the future if we wanted to (eg not burning my bridges)

OP posts:

Original poster

soulx · 08/05/2021 09:56

Sorry for all the typos and the long post!

OP posts:

countesskay · 08/05/2021 10:05

You have two options

Be honest and say you've met someone else and your going to pursue that.

Say you like him a lot but you just don't feel the connection your looking for.

After this for his sake if anything, don't agree to be friends at least in the short term. Don't ask his 'hey how are you texts' or calls about 'discussing things'

I've had experience of this as a dumpee and it just gives false hope and hurts them in the long run

I also would see if the second guy was available the moment me and the first guy split up

this comment was concerning jumping between relationships isn't going to help build new long lasting healthy ones.

You should take time between relationships to figure out what you want

JengaNonConfirming · 08/05/2021 10:06

Honestly, it sounds like you want your cake and to eat it! So you want to try a proper relationship with guy 1, whilst ending it with guy 2, but somehow keeping him waiting in the wings, in case it all falls apart with guy 1?!? You can't and you are probably going to hurt guy 2, that's just the way it is. I don't think you can have this all your own way, so if you're choosing guy 1 you need to end it with guy 2 and let him get on with his life. It all sounds far too gamesy!

PainAgain · 08/05/2021 10:13

Sorry OP but I'm not sure I'd trust the first guy, who was open about what he wants. He's currently getting exactly what he's interested in and I don't expect he's changed so much so quickly. As for the second guy... you can end things with him as gently as possible but you can't expect him to want to be your backup choice if and when you choose. I can see how the situation arose but what happens in future depends on what other people also want.

Sandra15 · 08/05/2021 10:59

That is really sad to read. I've got a friend with these issues. She's been widowed fairly recently, but hadn't had sex with her husband since late 2014. She's confusing sex with being desired or worthwhile.

I've been single for years and years, but it would take somebody absolutely spectacular to make me commit to someone. I'm not interested in sex unless I both fancy the guy and am in a committed love relationship with them. The mojo doesn't work otherwise! I've got lots of male friends for male companionship, that doesn't include sex.

Be clear about what you want for yourself, not necessarily from these two guys. And good luck!! And don't forget to update us.

Honey83 · 08/05/2021 11:28

@soulx

Thanks for not crucifying me everyone. It started off fun, and interesting to be seeing them both, but although we have never said we are exclusive - that is definitely the assumption.

I would choose him over the second guy every-time.

The first guy broke up with you because he didn't want anything long term and now he is happily wanting to see more of you, being affectionate etc...

Have you mentioned to him that you are dating other people? He seems to have done a 180 and is suddenly more interested now you are not exclusive. Which doesn't sound good for a LTR. If he does think you are seeing other people, he is probably doing this also.

Lovelydiscusfish · 08/05/2021 11:58

Whatever you say to him, your odds of keeping G2 as a back up are, while not non-existent, not great.

If you hadn’t met yet and were still just chatting, it would be easier - you could say you were pursuing things with someone else for now but had enjoyed chatting with him and was it ok to get back in touch if things didn’t work out. A lot of people (not all) would be ok with this.

But as you have actually been dating and he sounds quite in to you, he will likely be hurt and so probably won’t want to hang around. You never know tho.

All you can do is be as nice as possible, say you really like him (you clearly do) but have got back with an ex (this is true really) and want to see how that goes as you and the ex have a longer and deeper connection. Then just see how he takes it.

Go steady with G1. He does sound a bit of a player.

eatsleepread · 08/05/2021 12:08

Guy 1 will end up letting you down, so I'd bear that in mind while deciding what to do.
Good luck!

eatsleepread · 08/05/2021 12:09

It seems you like him more than he likes you. Proceed with caution!

Original poster

soulx · 08/05/2021 12:21

Thanks everyone.
I'm not a user and guy2 doesn't deserve to be treated like a back-up.
I just want to not hurt anyone and not get hurt myself.

I don't think Guy1 is a player - I think he's just a bit messed up and this has damaged his confidence and has been avoiding LTR for this reason. We seem to have honest conversations. I am not interested in a project or fixing him - I'm really not.
However he (to me) is just great, and we get on so well and are on the same level on so many things.
I'm well aware that it might not work out, that's fine, there are no guarantees when you start relationship.
He has definitely stepped up his game since he knows a little about guy2 (although I said we are just friends) and I have noted that, but I am willing to see how it goes.
I have a plan (I am solvent) to have a child solo in the near future - so my eggs are not all in one basket so to speak

OP posts:

MiddleAgedLurker · 08/05/2021 12:35

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the OP's request.

wanadu2022 · 08/05/2021 16:51

I had similar. I told the second guy (my version of it) that I wasn't in the headspace to date atm and didn't want to hurt him. Needed time for myself. Then I let him go, didn't try to stay friends of fwb or anything. Months later, it didn't work out with guy 1, and after some time to myself, I messaged guy 2 again and asked if he'd be keen of trying again. He was initially wary but had always liked me so he took it slow, I re-earned his trust (had to put the effort in) and we then fell in love and had a great relationship.

It ended 2 years in for unrelated reasons. I never contacted guy 1 again though we remain amicable. So maybe something similar can work for you?

Original poster

soulx · 08/05/2021 17:52

@wanadu2022

It ended 2 years in for unrelated reasons. I never contacted guy 1 again though we remain amicable. So maybe something similar can work for you?

That sounds an ideal solution @wanadu2022

I don't want or expect guy2 to be a 'back-up guy' but I think it's so unusual to find a guy who I like enough to date that I would like to be able to contact him in future in case it didn't work out with guy1

OP posts:

Lunettesloupes · 08/05/2021 18:18

The first guy doesn’t want a LTR - he told you that. He’s changed the story now because you’ve changed the terms of the FWB arrangement (which he’s enjoying) and he doesn’t want to give that up. It’s up to you but I’d go with his first answer, which sounds more honest.

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