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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Divorce advice pls

9 replies

Jynximinxi · 07/05/2021 14:06

I am looking for advice.

My XH and I agreed we would do a 2yrs separation divorce, however, since he has been with his new partner he has become very difficult and has applied for the divorce, put rubbish in his statement, which although upsetting, because it is nonsense, I have decided it is best to ignore it.

My main concern is my 2 girls.
He is an ex alcoholic, I stayed with him and helped get him sober, and left after 2 yrs of him being sober, I wanted to make sure that he was fit and well to be able to still have contact with the children, so that he still had a career. our marriage was clearly over, but having been through hell with my parents separation, I wanted this one to be less damaging for our own kids.

2yrs down the line,

I've had to call the police, although i stupidly asked them to just spk to him rather than actually caution him.
He has lied to social services about his drinking, which concerns me massively.

The girls hate going to his,they are very unhappy there, but he is insisting on having them almost 50/50, even though he is barely there, and when he is, all he does is play video games.
He pulled out of the 1st lot of mediation, so i gave him a cooling off period as he said he was too stressed. we have agreed to attend again, so i have done the initial meeting again, and am due to do our 1st joint session next tuesday. He refuses to discuss finances at all, and I am lucky to get him to discuss the kids at mediation, if he turns up.

I have just had notice that he has already applied for the decree nisi, which will be declared next weds. I am now extremely worried that he is trying to steamroll through this divorce without consulting me at all.

Because i never properly reported him, i am now unable to claim legal aid. I am thining that i need to get a child arrangements order and financial order, but i dont know how i will afford a solicitor, or if i even have time now.

I am so overwhelmed by everything, I find it all so confusing.
I am now a SAHM due to having a disability that I can no longer work. He pays the minimum allowance, and has now moved into a massively overpriced house just behind my new house, in a new town. He must have had inheritance money, as he certainly could not afford it with the 50% share he got from our marital home.

He literally took half of everything, he took our bed, I had to sleep on the floor, he took the tv, he took the tumble dryer and half the plates and cutlery. what a d@@k.

I caved and let him take 50% of the house share, and im worried he is now walking over me again and taking advantaage of my disposition and lack of family support.

I am now a mum to 4 children (my partner has 2boys).
Ive just struggled through lockdown, now this.

My solicitor cant fit me in until a week after the decree nisi is issued, will this affect my ability to put in the relevant orders?

OP posts:
ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 07/05/2021 14:11

In your post you say that he is an ex alcoholic. You also say he drinks now. He's allowed to drink so i'm not sure what sort of advice you're after.

How old are your children?

starrynight21 · 07/05/2021 14:31

If your divorce is going to be issued next week, there isn't any point in worrying about who said what, it's all over now and you can move on. You say that you both have new partners, so moving on has obviously happened already. If you're concerned about the child access situation, talk to your solicitor. You can alter an order at any time if it's in the children's best interests. Good luck.

Jynximinxi · 07/05/2021 14:43

Because when he was still drinking, there were occasions that he drove them under the influence.
He used to forget to plug car seats in, and crashed the car whilst drunk.
I'm not there to stop him doing that now.
I could protect the children before, now I can't

OP posts:
ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 07/05/2021 14:50

How old are the children?

Did he get a conviction for drink driving when he crashed the car?

Sunshineandflipflops · 07/05/2021 15:23

I don't really have much advice as I am still not divorced 3.5 years post separation because I can't afford to divorce properly without cutting corners or losing mine and our kids' home in the process. I'd rather remain married but secure. I am going to see a solicitor for some advice in a couple of weeks and even that is going to cost £150+

I would say you're not actually a mum to 4 though, you are a mum to 2 and his children are the only ones he has to consider in any of this. It seems a bit early to be calling yourself a mum to your partner's kids when you have only been with him less than 2 years.

Jynximinxi · 07/05/2021 15:31

What a judgemental comment when you have no idea of the circumstances.
I have 4 children, 2 biological and 2 children who I have lived with for 2yrs and cared for and been main carer for.
My new partner is a woman, you have just assumed male. I didnt ask for comment about whether or not you believe I am qualified to call myself mum to them or not.

OP posts:
Sunshineandflipflops · 07/05/2021 15:37

My point was that you mentioned being mum to 4 children as if it had bearing on your ex-husband and your divorce but any legal issues to do with him and your divorce will only concern your children with him.

Apologies about using the wrong pronoun, my mistake and I can assure you I have no issue with the gender of your partner and am not judgemental. Best of luck to you.

Jynximinxi · 07/05/2021 17:08

Thank you for clarifying.
I was mentioning that I was a mum to four and had just been knackered and was in context to that, not to do with my ex. Finding the whole thing very overwhelming is all.

The children see themselves as siblings, and it is important to them to be together, as they have such a strong bond, so it is relevant in that regard.

My partner and I arrange with the other parents where we can so that they can spend as little time apart from each other. But now he is being difficult. My main concern is that actually he will end up alienating himself completely from the girls if he does not respect their wishes. He already regularly argues with our eldest, he has no idea how to deal with her anxiety issues.
The girls cry every week, tummy aches, headaches and bad tempered on the Saturday which is when he collects them in the afternoon. It's so emotional. It needs to be a better arrangement but he won't hear of it.

OP posts:
Jynximinxi · 07/05/2021 17:11

No, he didn't get found out. I was too scared to report him. I deeply regret this now.
Girls are 12 and 8 now

OP posts:
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