Relationship with mum

[Charliebradbury]

I think my relationship with my mum is pretty much over.
My mum has always been selfish and just not nice tbh. As a kid I kinda just accepted it and spent a lot of time making sure I didn't do things that would upset her etc. I left home at 18 (13 years ago) and I have never been back. Over the last few years her behaviour has got worse. She is rude, controlling, plays games.
I am now 31 with 2 kids and I just stopped trying to please her, mainly cause i didn't have time to deal with her anymore. This did not go down well. Last year she ignored my birthday, I spoke with her about it and she said sorry and said she would try harder to maintain a relationship with me. This year she did the same thing, I haven't spoken to her in 2 months.
A lot has gone on but the main things are I refused to do all the running around, all the calling etc. She didn't like this so is giving me the silent treatment. They had a holiday booked to visit where we live (wales) at the end of last month, she didn't come with my dad. And to top it all off my dd was in hospital yesterday for some tests, she knew this but hasn't bothered to get in touch about it and she didn't send anything for my dad's birthday either.
Am I wrong to just think fuck it and not bother anymore? I know she wants me to phone her and try and "make up" (she means say sorry to her) but I just cba with it anymore.

My MIL is like this. I've stopped initiating contact and, funny old thing, I haven't heard from her in months. I'm enjoying the peace and lack of drama. I know she is sitting there, seething and expecting me to contact her. The way I see it, if she really wants to speak to me she can pick up the phone and call. I've no desire to speak to her, so I see no reason to go out of my way to appease her.

Thats all I have done I've stopped initiating contact and she just hasn't bothered to phone me. I know she is seething she has been moaning to my sister about it. She will be telling everyone that I am keeping her from her grandkids, that I am breaking her heart etc. Sometimes I think she makes her own reality up and fully believes it.

I could have written your post OP. I cut all contact with my mother over 10 years ago and it's been utterly blissful not having to worry about what bollocks she's going to have a go at me for next.

Mine had expectations that she be treated like a queen, the best mother in the world when she was in fact a spiteful narcissistic bitter old woman who made everyone's life miserable who let her.

I left home at 16 because I couldn't tolerate her abuse, both mental and physical any longer. It took another 16 years to really figure out that I didn't have to put up with it any more.

I think you've reached your tipping point. Just let it go. Block, block and ignore. Feel the weight lift from your shoulders. Then hop over to the stately homes thread ...

Thanks. It's so hard but you are right that I have reached a tipping point. My sister said I was depriving my children of a grandparent but the more I think about it I think that I might just be saving them from a shitty relationship

Your sister is wrong.

People like your mother never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions. You would not tolerate any of this from a friend and your mother is no different.

Indeed let your mother go along with any and all residual hope that she will change. Your dad should not be let off the hook either because he has also failed to protect you from the excesses of his wife's behaviours. He is both a bystander and her enabler and also someone who has acted out of self preservation and want of a quiet life.

I would fully be prepared for any and all flying monkeys (easily manipulated people sent in by your mother and or father to do her bidding for her). There may also be a previously unknown health scare or tests.

Family are not binding and you are protecting your children from your toxic mother, what exactly are they being deprived of?. If a parent is too toxic/batshit or otherwise too difficult for YOU to deal with its the same deal for your children too.

Do look at the current "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these Relationships pages. It may be an idea also for you to read "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward.

Thanks I will take a look at the thread.

I have just had a message from a family friend asking me why I am keeping her grandkids from my mum. I presume I should just ignore this? I am still in contact with my dad, who although you are correct is in the wrong for enabling her behaviour is also in what I believe to be an abusive relationship so I want to keep the lines of communication open with him for now. We don't talk about my mum anymore though. One of my sisters is already low contact with her.
I don't feel sad about it all anymore but I still feel really angry about he behavior. Not sure how to let go of that anger tbh.

Ignore the flying monkey aka all too easily fooled family friend. This person has their own agenda and is not interested in hearing your side of things so their opinion should be ignored. You may also want to block this particular individual.

I would further lower all levels of contact with your dad, he has also failed you as a parent and as her enabler too he cannot at all be relied upon.

You will ultimately need to grieve for the relationship you should have had with your parents rather than the one you actually got.

Definitely ignore the flying monkey message and any others that follow. Learning you don't have to respond to unwanted communication is a good place to start. Good luck with all this OP, just take it one step at a time. And the Stately Homes thread is really very good.

My mum sounds exactly the same as yours. I've finally cut ties with her and I feel so much better. I don't think people like our mothers ever change unfortunately.

I have to say the feeling of no obligation to hee does feel so good. The knowledge that she can't make snide remarks about me is very liberating. The last time we spoke she had seen a picture of my 2 year old putting makeup on and her comment was "it's disgusting you are showing children that they should paint themselves like slappers, if you insist on looking like one fine" I dunno how I put up with it for so long tbh.

Because of the FOG. Fear, obligation, guilt cycle.

Thankfully times have changed somewhat from where (some) parents could just abuse their kids in the name of 'discipline' and a blind eye was turned.

You're an adult now, and thankfully you've recognised not only that her behaviour is utterly unacceptable, but also that you don't have to tolerate it just because she is your mother.

It's going to take time for your new normal to set in. But stay firm. I've had flying monkeys aplenty, I've had my friends and DHs family contacted with a 'for reasons unbeknownst to us Treacle had cut us off from our granddaughter'. Thankfully they all know the back story. So be prepared for your friends to be contacted next.

People like this don't change. They've been enabled for so long that they don't know any other reality than one where the only person who matters is them and everyone else is here to serve them.

Your life is about to become a lot brighter. Just don't let her phase you with what she's likely going to do shortly to reel you back in. Stay. Strong.

I could've written the same post 20 years ago.

I stopped being the one who was responsible for communication. There was no big argument that triggered it. No "I'm not talking to you anymore" row. I just decided that I would put the same amount of effort into the relationship as my mum did.

These days we tend to go for at least a couple of years at a time without having much to do with each other. We send cards at Christmas and birthdays but that's about it and life is a lot more peaceful.

She was never really all that interested in my children. She would sometimes pretend to be 'grandmother of the year' if others were around but people tended to see through it. Sometimes the giveaway was an obvious one (one child clearly had no idea who my mum was) and sometimes it was something as subtle as body language.

The reality was that she had no interest in any of the events in their lives - hospital stays, achievements, starting/leaving school etc. Equally they have no interest in hers.

One thing I've learned from the whole experience is that relationships only work when both people are putting in a similar amount of effort. If one person is doing all the giving and the other is not only doing all the taking but is unpleasant with it, resentment will set in and the relationship will deteriorate fairly quickly. A sense of duty towards the 'taker' will only last for a limited time.

I had exactly the same with my DM. She was a selfish, neglectful and completely disinterested mother during our childhood who designated me as her scapegoat for mental health issues. I was the bad child that needed psychiatric help, who needed to be sent off to boarding school because I was so problematic. None of it actually happened but she would moan to anyone who would listen about me and colour their view of me. She, however, cheated openly and often on my dad, in front of us as unwilling co-conspirators. Her behaviour was vile at times but to the outside world, she was perfect mother and grandmother. Complete smoke and mirrors.

I spent most of my life seeking out her validation and attention to the detriment of myself and none of it made her kinder or fairer. Still the family scapegoat. I had an epiphany and realised how one sided and unfulfilled the relationship was and tried to redraw the boundaries ie stopped chasing her. She didn't like it, summoned me to a lunch and basically gave me an ultimatum. Keep hovering around her even though she never really bothered with me unless she wanted something. I refused and she flounced off. Best day of my life ever. She is now NC with all of her three children, her flying monkeys have mostly died off and she is the sad, lonely old woman she was meant to be. Personally I think there is a trajectory to these relationships and seems like you have reached the letting go stage. So let go.

I went through a similarly difficult childhood but in my case my DM was the enabler. She knew that my F ‘smacked us too hard’ but didn’t do anything about it. However, what she didn’t know was that my F was also sexually abusing my DSis and me. So, although I feel resentment that she didn’t protect us, I accept that she didn’t know the worst stuff that was going on and that smacking was acceptable during that period (70s and 80s).

I also understand now that she was also a victim of coercive control and EA, although she wouldn’t accept this when I spoke to her about this, blaming it on his Parkinson’s Disease and the medication. (Despite accepting that he abused her children but that’s for another thread).

The key difference for me is that my F has been dead for 23 years, so I’m able to have a relationship with my DM and allowing her to have regular contact with my DDs, who are 12 and 9. (This has considerably reduced since Covid and they’re not close to her now.)

I agree that in your case stopping contact with your mum would be a good decision. I understand why you feel that you can’t blame your F, as that’s where I’m at with my DM, but your mum being alive and still with him makes it far more complex.

I think you would really benefit from exploring your relationship with both your parents in therapy. I really benefited from being able to process my childhood abuse and can really recommend it. It needs to be the right therapist, though.