Infidelity

[Julia1919]

Met my husband in 2005, married 2012. I was his 4th wife. I know he definitely cheated on 2 of his wives. In 2016 I found out not only had he cheated with a girl 20 years his junior, she also deliberately got pregnant by him. I found out as she sent a photo of the child addressed to me quoting ( X’s baby born July 2015). He met this girl over a porn site and after the child was born discovered she had been advertising for a sperm donor. He finished the relationship when she told him she was pregnant. He saw the child twice when it was born. Since then apart from paying maintenance through CMS he has nothing to do with either of them. As this came as such a shock I regrettably ‘forgave’ him and tried to move on.
Our sex life has never been up to much, I was always the one to instigate it, never has he tried to make a move on me!
After chatting with his sister who lives in America, she told me that wife number 2 said they lived like brother and sister, she complained about this too, and that is just how we are. To the outside world we are a perfect couple, little do they know we have separate bedroom and have since 3 years ago. Before the pandemic we went on holidays abroad, weekends away, overnight at friends, in the same bed, but as soon as we got home he went back to the spare room. I have asked him a few times to come back to the marital bed but he just says no and changes the subject. Last time I asked was over a year ago and I vowed to myself I will never ask him again.
Again, just before the pandemic, he started saying he needed to get fit and was going to diet, I also discovered him looking for Viagra on line (he doesn’t know). So obviously that tells me he is /was up to his old tricks.
He is very generous and whatever I want for the house I know I can have, another tell-tale sign??.
He is obviously living life how he wants to now. Brother and sister, but with the benefits of a nice clean home and cooked meals. Now the pandemic is hopefully receding I want to get out of this relationship. I am 58 and he is 56. Life is passing by to quickly to be stuck in a hopeless marriage. I have a grown up daughter who has recently divorced and has a good relationship with my husband and I know she will be devastated. But staying in this marriage is making me depressed.
I just do not know how to go about things. I think as he is the one who ruined our marriage he should leave, but I know he will not just go. Either way the house would have to be sold and split. He has a good pension, mine is very small. So may be I should just find somewhere to rent and he stay in the house until it sells. I only work part time so he would have to help me with the rent.
Any advice would be grateful x

Hi OP, I hope you don't mind but I am going to get straight to the point here. The marriage you describe is not a happy one, you compare it yourself to a platonic brother/sister scenario. I find it very telling you say your sex life has never been up to much, yet this man has impregnated another woman he met on a porn site and is now seeking Viagra. This is not a man with no sex drive; this is a man who is actively pursuing his own sexual interests completely disregarding and disrespecting you. You have asked him to come back to the marital bed. He has refused. This says more about him than you. He has checked out.

He doesn't deserve you.

You are only 58, OP. You deserve a partner who is invested in you, who makes you feel good, who shows interest in you emotionally and sexually, who respects you in words and actions and who cares how you feel. You will not get this from this man, but you can and will from someone far better a man than him. Do not let him drag you down. You are worth so much more.

You answered your own question with what you need to do. You can do this.

Tbh I'd have been off at "I've been divorced 3 times"

If 3 wives had kicked him to the kerb I'd have been thinking he's definitely not marriage material;unfortunately you've found out the hard way that he's not.

He's a womaniser and a serial cheat who's auditioning for wife number 5.

None of the above is your fault;men like him tend to be manipulative and very convincing with their lies.

You're 58;there's still a life to had;you could easily have another 25+ years on this earth and you could meet the absolute love of your life who's not a womanising cheating ass.

Tbh OP I would just start divorce proceedings and have done with it in your situation. You have separate bedrooms anyway and as long as you think he can be civil you can just both stay put until the divorce is through and the house is sold, saves worrying about renting and money etc for now. Could you make that work for a few months do you think? Just live separate lives under the same roof? Not the most pleasant atmosphere maybe but might be easier than one of you having to move out before financials are sorted.