Essentially, I've been ghosted but we work together. Help!

[likeamother]

Hate that I feel like a helpless teenager all over again. Please sort me out!

Split with my H 6 months ago and had zero interest in another relationship. However... I work with a man but remotely, we've only met f2f a few times but communicate about work via WhatsApp/phone/email.

He knew I was separating and I had noticed since I'd moved he'd messaged sometimes in the eve, usually about work but might end up about other stuff, just food and tele type things. Then about a month ago one eve he asked if I wanted to go for a drink after lockdown, I said yes and then followed what I now see as lovebombing type behaviour by him but I went along with it because I'd started to like him and because I'm such a f*cking people pleaser with low self-esteem.

We were meant to go out last weekend and he just completely cooled a few days before, I felt uneasy but wanted to take control so asked by message were we still meeting and if so could we talk later. He said he'd ring me and, of course, I heard nothing. The last message I got was him saying he'd forgot he was going away and that he's not very reliable. I suppose that was meant to be an apology. D*ckhead.

It's left me feeling all sorts of things that I'm sure I'll work through and I know a lot of it isn't really about him but more giving all the control to someone else again and that I ended up seeing him as an antidote to my ex, someone I could have some fun with and restore a bit of life in me after a mostly crappy couple of years.

We only need to be in touch once a week, sometimes less, and I've reverted to email to communicate but the 2 emails I've had from him have made me feel weird and like I just want to cut the whole thing off, which I totally would have been able to were it through OLD.
I don't want to be a baby, but I also don't want to ignore how I'm feeling, like I'm just being some hysterical woman who needs to get over herself, because while I didn't sleep with him or even kiss him, the whole regular messaging thing I think created some sense of intimacy, just like going out a few times would have done.

I contract for him and it's only a proportion of my income so I'm wondering whether to sack it off. ATM I don't NEED the work but my workload can change and I also don't want to leave me and my kids short because I couldn't get over a crush gone wrong

Can someone make the decision for me and then I promise to be more of an adult about things in future. Thank you!

I wouldn’t end working with him, it’s not that serious and nothing bad has really happened other than he’s changed his mind.

Just keep the emails light and professional from now on. Only talk about work and don’t bring up the date again and I’d ignore it if he mentions anything in the future.

Your ego is bruised but honestly this time next week you’ll be over it. We’ve all been ghosted, unfortunately it’s a part of modern day dating.

However, I think you now understand why they say not to mix work with pleasure.

In future don’t get involved with people that you work with

@Happycat1212

In future don’t get involved with people that you work with

Erm yes I can see that now!

Also it doesn’t sound like he ghosted sounds like he just lost interest

Your ego is bruised but honestly this time next week you’ll be over it. We’ve all been ghosted, unfortunately it’s a part of modern day dating.

Thanks @autumnalrain I'm sure you're right and yes the sting of rejection is perhaps something I'm just not ready for ATM. Which is one of the reasons I shouldn't have said yes in the first place I now see

God no, don't drop the contract, why should you!?

Yes it's ok to lose interest in someone but have the basic manners and courtesy to say so, which he clearly doesn't. Bullet dodged for you.

If anything, go about your usual work, don't hide from the situation at all and simply remember, his behaviour defines him, you have no control over that. You do have control over your reaction and you have nothing to feel awkward or bad about.

Head up high, on we go.

@DM1209 Thank you for replying with everything I needed to hear. He has been rude and that is totally on him. It's played right into my insecurities I think, but you're right, why should I drop the contract?

On we go indeed

Just use him for the money keep the conversation on work only, he'll probably wonder why you're no longer chasing him, oh and if any awkward convo comes up about meeting again I'd sorry but I'm dating someone.

The last message I got was him saying he'd forgot he was going away and that he's not very reliable. I suppose that was meant to be an apology. Dckhead.*

I'm not going to scold you as others seem to feel is warranted (really? what are pp getting out of doing that?!), as you haven't done anything wrong.

Suggest you either hold your head up & continue to act professionally, with no reference to your extra curricular socialising. If he references it, you can calmly but pointedly say "it was nice of you to ask me out, but as you explained, you are not very reliable, so lety's just keep things on a solid business footing."

If you can't or don't want to do that, find a new client to replace Dickhead's revenue stream, & politely ditch him as a client & contact. If you felt like it, you could then also reference his unreliability, explaining that non-flakiness is an essential requirement of being a Happycat1212 client ...

I applaud @seensome's comment & attitude above!

But disagree slightly about if any awkward convo comes up about meeting again I'd sorry but I'm dating someone

• because women should not need to hide behind men, fictitious or otherwise, in order to rebuff unwanted attention.

If the awkwardness DOES come up again, place the Awkward back right where it belongs - in his court.
"Nice of you to ask, but no thanks - you kindly explained that you are unreliable & I have no interest in dating flakes."

So sorry! Referenced Happycat, confusing her for OP likeamother's user name ... apologies both.

@Badgerlock42 lol ok make up your own mind why I said it!

@seensome yes! Ha - I’ll take what I need from him!

@Badgerlock42 thank you for this, you’re a wise badger indeed. This is what I shall do and yes if he does bring it up I’ll shut it down with the reliable thing. And thanks for not scolding me either... I was also a bit confused by that as I’ve hardly committed some major sin
Am just navigating new things again after 15 lonnnggg years.

Don't give up the work. You may well feel quite differently say a month or 6 weeks down the line.

Just keep contact to a minimum, as you are doing, and be professional.

He's a bit of a Womble isn't he. Better that you know now, rather than getting in deeper. For some reason, I have heard lots of people feel really let down when the first relationship/dating post marital break-up ends. I don't know why that is, but it does seem to be a thing. Maybe for me it was a variation on 'I've just got rid of an absolute Cockwomble, only to find there are lots more of them still out there'. You'll get over this. Hang on in there

Ahh Wise of Mumsnet you are sorting me out with your insightful replies. Thank you so much.

@SpongeBobJudgeyPants Oh wow yes this speaks to me. I thought I was upset because I already knew him and thought he was nice blah blah but I think there is some transference stuff from marriage, and exactly as you say that I think I wanted him to restore my faith a bit but it's turned out he's a cockwomble too, just in a different outfit. Thank you

I also didn't realise all the 'I really like you/can't wait to take you out/we have so much in common we're getting married haha' shit was a red flag, I just thought he was nice and keen but the abrupt dismissal of me and having a good read on here has made me see things much more clearly!

Find your big girl pants and focus on work.
And sign up to some OLD or Tinder to take your mind of chatting with him. Rather chat and flirt with men who you don’t have to face professionally.

You learned a lot in a short time without too much damage.

1st don't discuss personal things with clients.

Men are predatory. First inkling of a breakup, they swoop in in hopes you're sad and lonely and in need of a shag.

I think you’re probably right. The funny thing is I would have been fine with a fling if there had been some basic respect and we were both adult about it.
Some lessons learned for sure