I've gotten out of a toxic emotionally abusive relationship and I'm currently in the recovery stage.
Everything is coming together now and I see exactly what was happening. My gut was off the whole time. I just was being blinded in other ways.
I went to see a therapist for a couple of sessions and she has made me see he's very likely a narc.
He love bombed me for sure.
He tried to make me feel dumb. Said I was the most confusing person he had ever met. He would often say he didn't understand what I had written or said. I was too scared sometimes to even suggest a street to meet on as he would make out my directions or street names were making no sense.
He started borrowing my money. Putting me down. Continued to make out I was confusing. Constantly contacting me. If he was in bad moods he would still speak but barely gave any affection. Was short but would flip if i suggested he took some space for a couple of days.
He was eventually making it quite clear he was eyeing up other ladies and I found out he was lying to me all along and was also messaging someone else he had used for years.
But what made everything really complicated was his ex. They had spent the best part of 10 years in eachothers lives. Split after 8 years. He said it was a mutual happy split. I've found out from the woman he had an affair with that she dumped him when she found out he was having sex with her. the lady from the affair thought he was single and wanted a new life with her. According to his affair lady the ex had caught him out several times, which adds up to him telling me she got mad at him for flirting. He claimed it was harmless. Even his boss told his ex he had been flirting at a meeting and his ex was really upset by this.
Anyway they split 2 and a half years ago. He has been living alone for 2 years. But she is in regular contact through text and phones. They met up so he could break the news to her that he had met me. She continued to text him. He said she would go round for tea and food sometimes when we First met. But i was never told she had gone to his when we were together. But he slipped up and told me she showed him Tik tok videos when she went round. He still has her photos up. Still has gifts from her everywhere. Still talks about her in various ways. Sometimes he's bitter. Sometimes he slags her off. Sometimes he says she is his friend. Sometimes he will reminisce about what they did. Sometimes he would claim she cheated or lied to him. A huge mixture. But I know they are definitely split. She did know about me. She was happy for him. But after a few months he claimed she was regretting splitting from him now he's sorted himself out. She apparently was asking him if he fancied her and he said he told her he never did. I remember us lying in bed together and he just started telling me not long ago she had been hinting at them giving it another try. He always insisted he would never ever go back there. But he was never going to grow up and realise he shouldn't have been in contact with her as he was, as it was disrespectful to me. He got too comfortable talking about her to me. It was like I just had to accept she was still in his life. Sometimes I felt like I was stealing him from her! He even knew she had been offered someone's number when she was working away. She told him she declined (who shares this with their ex after two years?)
After we split (he found out I had been talking to the other woman he used) he called his ex up to find out what she had been telling the other woman as they had already spoke. She sent screen shots to him so she looked innocent and the other woman looked bad. I sent a final message to him and said he needed to fully seperate from his ex before dragging any other innocent woman into his issues. I told him it was unhealthy running back to the ex every five minutes and their friendship was an excuse to stop the other moving on. He told me to grow up.
Since we split he's now attempting to charm a woman nearer his age (late 40s) who doesn't live locally. So once again he wants to keep his ex in his life and is still leading other women on to think there's a chance.
Can a narcissist actually have a real love? I honestly think he's obsessed with his ex and it's more than just to love bomb, abuse and discard.