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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is my husband gay

50 replies

TAURUS99 · 06/05/2021 20:15

Hi could really do with some advice i have been married 19yr in June but the last 2 years he has changed dramatically. He has never has high sex drive but now nothing no touching atall, has never got jealous if he sees me chatting to men. When I ask him about this his reply is he has never cared for sex and could live without it.

OP posts:

Original poster

TAURUS99 · 06/05/2021 21:03

Thank you all for your comments its a sad day when I have to post on anonymous sites for answers but I don't want to discuss this with friends as they all know him.

OP posts:

Original poster

TAURUS99 · 06/05/2021 21:06

Thank you bradvice

OP posts:

CovidSmart · 06/05/2021 21:18

From what you describe, I would say he has checked out and doesn’t want to be in the relationship anymore.
So he is snappy and irritable. Prefers to spend time with friends (and the. He is all smiles).

I wouldnt look much further tbh.

I would also not say that he is gay, even if he was attracted to a man. Maybe he is bi but after that many years living with a woman and probably having sexual relationships before with other women, I would first consider he is bi rather than gay.

Surroundedbytime · 06/05/2021 21:23

Hasn’t he more or less told you he’s asexual? ‘Never cared for sexual and could live without it.’

Surroundedbytime · 06/05/2021 21:24

Never cared for sex, I mean

Original poster

TAURUS99 · 06/05/2021 21:41

Thanks guys all the comments are really appreciated, I no what i have to do but its very scary at 47 ending a marriage with very little support or money im very scared to be honest but the alternative is staying in a loveless marriage and I can't do that x

OP posts:

Mermaidwaves · 06/05/2021 21:45

My exH was like that with me a lot of the time, turns out he was having affair after affair and resented me massively. It was guilt making him act like that, it's more likely that than him being gay.

RLMP · 06/05/2021 21:50

I would just like to point out something. My DM was in a similar situation with my father after 21 years of marriage. He suddenly started to show no interest. She too came straight out with questioning him outright, she asked if he was having an affair and he said no! Then she asked if he was gay and he didn’t say anything. He too remained calm and didn’t go off in a rage (which is something he would normally do at every given opportunity) I don’t think it’s unreasonable that you suspect things.

My father said that “he wanted out of the marriage but not out of the relationship”.... whatever that means.

It turned out that he was talking to other women online which was the reason for his sudden lack of interest and also why he remained calm when asked if he was gay because he had a guilty notion. Be sure that he’s not doing anything like that behind your back first..if he isn’t then maybe he’s just going through an “off stage” but he’s not automatically gay. If it’s just the lack of sexual interest that’s the issue then maybe you can come to an understanding if the rest of the marriage is stable.

19Bears · 06/05/2021 21:59

Mine is content to live without it. We've lived without sex for ten years and it doesn't seem to bother him at all. For a long time I also accepted it, but that was because I wrongly assumed that married people just didn't have sex! Then someone turned my head and really opened my eyes to the fact I am a sexy woman and deserve to be adored by a man. I finally told dh how I felt, and that I needed sex and love in my life, not just polite half hearted conversation, and was told I was being selfish. Anyway, I also think he could be gay. He's not interested in me, I might as well go round with a bag over my head, not interested in other women, has openly told me he's been chatted up by men when he's been out, gets really offended by any kind of gay or trans issues that come up on telly etc, many other signs. Also a gut feeling that he's gay and suppressing it. Do you feel that way OP? Do you just feel it? Sometimes that's where the truth is. Saying that though, I've never caught him masturbating, ever. So maybe just asexual. I don't know. Are you disappointed OP? Or would you be glad for him to admit it and let you go? I would.

Original poster

TAURUS99 · 06/05/2021 22:09

Yes definitely a gut feeling and he takes his phone everywhere even in the shower. He was always secretive about x girlfriends when we 1st met and always became annoyed when I asked him turns out he never had 1 until he met me at 27 so all very odd 🤔 feel like I don't no him anymore

OP posts:

Babygotblueyes · 06/05/2021 22:31

Has he had his testosterone checked? Sometimes that causes declining libido. But it may be he just naturally has a low sex drive. I know a lot of women who would love a husband like that, but appreciate it may not work for everyone.

19Bears · 06/05/2021 22:36

@TAURUS99 Is the gut feeling that he's gay, or just that there's something going on with someone else generally? Does he show 'signs?'

Fabiofatshaft1 · 07/05/2021 00:05

Ouch

Maybe you just don’t do it for him.

Maybe with someone else he might just have a completely different chemical attraction and be all over them like a badly fitting suit

Many woman on here understandably resent having sex with their partners if they are being pressurised. Are you pressuring him or making snarky comments !?

Some people maintain their sex drives throughout their lives. For some it increases, for others, their libidos fall away. Maybe his, has.

Suggest a threesome involving another man, see if that jolts him, if his ears prick up ( No pun intended ), there well may well be some ‘ man love ‘ interest there

🙄

sunnyzweibrucken · 07/05/2021 01:08

Suggest a threesome involving another man, see if that jolts him, if his ears prick up ( No pun intended ), there well may well be some ‘ man love ‘ interest there

Wtf???

Anyway I’ve been like your dh, realized it’s because I was no longer interested in the person I’m with. I also have a low sex drive no matter who I’m with but I’m def not gay.

Fabiofatshaft1 · 07/05/2021 04:01

My tongue was in my cheek, a little FGS

OldWomanSaysThis · 07/05/2021 04:28

My parents had the same conversation and it turned out my dad was having an affair with a woman. He told me being questioned about being gay because he didn't want to have sex with my mother entitled him to have the affair. They were mid-40's.

LemonLimeFlower · 07/05/2021 04:44

Taking phone everywhere, and into shower, suggests something to hide.

Hulmeert · 07/05/2021 06:19

Women are allowed to talk to men without the man getting jealous you know...

HalzTangz · 07/05/2021 06:24

@TAURUS99

Thank you all for your comments its a sad day when I have to post on anonymous sites for answers but I don't want to discuss this with friends as they all know him.

You won't get accurate answers unless you are more honest, nothing in your first post suggests homosexuality at all. Maybe give more context for a more accurate response

JustAnotherOldMan · 07/05/2021 06:27

He may just have a naturally low sex drive, which will decrease over time.

JustAnotherOldMan · 07/05/2021 07:01

.. posted too early
As others say he could he checked of the marriage or he just doesn’t want to have sex with you anymore

joystir59 · 07/05/2021 07:05

More likely to be having an affair I would say. My exh turned out to be gay and the signs were: loved male attention, hated touching me.

Anothernick · 07/05/2021 07:39

Man here, I thought this was probably just low libido, perhaps depression/stress, but taking his phone everywhere even in the shower is something of a red flag. In a truly trusting relationship each partner should be able to look at the other's phone if necessary, but at the same time they should not feel the need to look at it.

awalkbythesea · 07/05/2021 08:12

My husband of 24 years was never really into sex. I felt dreadful and blamed myself for presumably being unattractive.
I then found out that he had hidden his cross dressing from me for all our marriage and indeed I WAS attractive to other men !

Personally, I think my now ex husband is gay but he will never admit it but it's clearly something he internally battles with.

Crepescular · 07/05/2021 08:24

@TAURUS99

I agree that you've made a massive leap from 'not interested' to 'he must be gay', probably because (a) he's really not attracted to you any more and you realise that and (b) rather than accept this and accept the blow to your self-esteem that it brings with it, it's easier for you to put the onus on him and query his sexuality instead. Doing this leaves you blameless, with your self esteem intact.

Face it, he's just not that into you any more. Suck it up and move on instead of casting aspersions about his sexuality.

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