His actions don’t match his words in a good and bad way?

[Totesgoats11]

My experiences with men has been clingy, narcissistic, overbearing, fast moving, propose in 3 months kinda guys. I’ve also experienced a lot abuse and manipulation in these past relationships which means I’ve been really struggling to myself back out there, even though I’m quite confident and secure in myself. I get triggered quite easily. I’ve been seeing this guy for about 3 months and I really like him. And this guy is the complete opposite to anything I have ever dated. But I’m so scared that I’m misreading signals because I’ve never experienced someone who is, potentially, genuinely down to earth and in no rush. I can’t help but think, what if he actually doesn’t care and is taking me along for a ride?! It’s been 3 months and it’s so relaxed, I think my anxiety is trying to find reasons to make this a drama.

The first 2ish months I had made it very clear I wanted a casual relationship and he agreed. I genuinely believed that I wanted this, firstly, because of the trauma I went through I had decided to take a long break from relationships and secondly I did not expect to eventually care so much about this guy.
A month and a half ago our communication kinda faded off and I realised how much I wanted to keep seeing him. So I hit him up honestly, and told him I really wanted to keep seeing him (which I don’t think I hinted to before). Ever since then things have been great but again because of my past relationship traumas I feel constant anxiety and paranoia when we are away from each other because I can’t read some of his signals

Trying to keep this short so I’ll write out the positives and negatives:

• he offered to be exclusive after I bought up how I was feeling anxious about our casual relationship status. I didn’t have to suggest it. He deleted his dating apps as well. He even implied he stopped seeing other women after meeting me.
• We pretty equally plan things!
• I found when I expect him to be shitty/distant or manipulative he has not been, he has been quick to apologise and fast to empathise with me.
• He has made comments about being worried that “I’ll put his head on the chopping block” if we move to quickly and how he wonders if he should be so comfortable and weird in front of me so early on.
• he made efforts to come to my friends party’s, last minute, just to see me. All my closest friends were there and he is a big introvert.
• This week he introduced me to his friends. Friends who are basically his family. He also told me he never brought his ex to hangout with his friends cause he didn’t think it’d last. So it felt very big that he introduced me.
• When we were with his friends he was affectionate to me in front of them
• we agreed to regularly hangout on Mondays
• when we are together he is really affectionate, attentive and we have so much fun. Plus we have very passionate sex.
• Regardless of the passionate sex he has frequently just come over to hangout. A lot of the time we are together we end up just giggling, cuddling and talking all night long and then maybe sex, and the sex is always incredible. He definitely doesn’t make me feel like he just wants my body.
• I went out last night with friends and got pretty drunk, I called him to see if he was up. He had work early in the morning but still told me to come over. Then he made himself late to work the next morning, he said it was because his bed was warm but then hinted it was because he didn’t want to leave me.
• he does make small future plans for us like future dates and fun things we could do
• he made a comment a week ago about how he understood why my past two exes wanted to marry me and that he hasn’t met many people that make him feel as comfortable as I do.

The negative things are:

• he is a terrible texter. He will post on his Instagram after ive texted him (mostly just posting memes) and then reply to me, very often. He has consistently been this way tho, so there isnt actually any significant changes in that behaviour. Sometimes instead of replying he will just like my messages. He has never properly left me on seen for more than a couple of hours and he always finds a way to send me something or bring something up over text however I find myself waiting on his replies often. I messaged him about a big sad life event that happened and he just liked the message. I was meant to see him that night and when I did he was super caring and attentive to how sad I was but it still really got to me that he had done that.
• I have told him flat out multiple times that I don’t want a relationship many many times (out of protectiveness, I’m aware how childish this is but I can’t help it) and how much I need us to go really slow. When we had our big talk about being exclusive he simultaneously told me we can exclusive but he doesn’t have time for a girlfriend. He said that we should see where things go but also he was afraid he is accidentally walking into a relationship. He also said how he thinks he isn’t made to be in a relationship because of his terrible time management. He runs his own business completely solo and then works two other part time jobs and he was honest that he always puts that first.
• All that leads into how he is so terrible at planning. He planned this thing with his friends and I, completely unprompted by me then didnt get back to me about it until 2 hours before we were meant to be there. He will show up late to our dates frequently as well. He has apologised and said that he does value my time but it doesn’t make me feel that way. In saying that when we are together he always finds way to extend the time we have together. He is never in a rush to leave me and is always finding reasons for us to spend more time together.
• We both have the same sarcastic humour and we tease each other a lot. And he sometimes makes weird flippant comments about our relationship that seem uncaring but then will back track later and say something nice. I always joke about how we are “just friends”. He got kinda bothered by it today so i cant tell if he is pretending to be cool or actually doesn’t care about the relationship
• I’m not sure exactly how long but I know he broke up with his ex relatively recently. More than 6ish months ago. They still have photos of each other up of each other on their Instagrams. They don’t follow each other or talk but I know communication isn’t 100% cut off from between them. However I do believe him that he is over her. He speaks kindly of her but she definitely was abusive, physically and mentally to him. Even though right now he doesn’t phrase it like that.

I don’t know where to go with him from here. I feel like things are naturally progressing but also there is resistance or maybe fear on both sides? Or perhaps he is simply stringing me along?
The texting thing really bothers me but I feel uncomfortably bringing it up if it is just something he genuinely struggles with. I don’t want there to be any expectations between us just yet because we are so chill right now.
I am simultaneously so terrified of putting my foot in it and showing my needy side but also I refuse to be stupid and try act like he is ready to be anything for me if the signs are so clearly pointing toward him not being ready for a relationship
His actions don’t match his words in good ways and bad ways? Sometimes his texting is great and fun and when we are together he makes me feel like his girlfriend but then his texting seems so careless and his occasionally flippant comments about us makes me feel distant from him sometimes.

Do I let it naturally progress or bring up all my little anxieties and risk being overbearing??

I'm going to be blunt

It seems to me that you are making a huge complicated song and dance about a relationship that could be simple, straightforward and casual - if you would only let it.

I think you are sending massively mixed messages about not wanting a relationship but then also wanting exclusivity and also wanting relationship trappings like messaging back before doing something else. You joke you are just friends and then wonder if he’s holding back from being more than just casual.

You are over complicating it. Be upfront with him about how you feel and what you want, and then see how it goes from there.

What @Tambora said!

You have massively complicated it to the point I'm not sure YOU know what you want. You can't have a healthy relationship if you approach it from the point of fear - you've drowned out any natural instincts by letting insecurities and anxieties overwhelm you. And even if he did like you, the mixed messages will put him off. Just be upfront and honest about what you want from him - he will either give it to you or not.

And instead of worrying so much about whether he wants a relationship with you, spend more time deciding whether he is the right one for you. Do his values, communication style, priorities etc align with yours. That sort of thing. Atm all you're focusing on is whether he likes you enough - are you sure his personality is the right fit for yours? E.g can you live with him always putting his business and jobs first? That sort of thing.

Crikey

I'm really sorry op, but you sound fucking exhausting. How can anyone know if they're coming or going with you? You say you don't want a relationship, but yet you do, and you want to be super casual yet you get upset if texts are replied to quickly enough, and on and on and on. Anyone would be walking on eggshells deals with all of these mixed signals.

Honestly, I don't think you're in a stable enough place to be in a relationship right now. You don't even know what you want, so you can't possibly expect someone else to figure it out.

You wanted causal, that's what ya got. I'd let it naturally progress rather than trying to force anything... if you do that you may push him away, when it could naturally progress into a lovely relationship.

Also regarding the texting, I'd honestly drop it. Don't be glued to your phone.
Texting can become boring if he feels that he has to reply to everything before doing something else.

It sounds like you said casual, but you meant you wanted a boyfriend who would ok with you being casual towards him.
Work out what you actually want, present that to him and go from there.

You clearly aren't ready for any type of relationship at the moment. You do not know what you want at all. Poor guy must be thinking what on earth has he got himself into. I would step away until one day you really know where your life is heading.

Ah your needy side has been well on display already and he’s not run off. He clearly likes you and is worried about hurting you. I think you now need to try and take a bit more responsibility for managing your own emotions as you’re putting a LOT on him to manage and being pretty confusing about what you expect of him.

Being a bad planner and bad texter doesn't mean he's not into you. They're just his personality traits. Neither of them mean he'll be a bad partner but at the same time they probably won't change. (As both a bad texter and a bad planner, I speak with authority here - both DP and friends will frequently find me on Twitter instead of replying to their messages.)

Regarding the rest of the "bad" stuff, you're sending him very mixed messages. You're saying you don't want to be in a relationship but your actions aren't matching your words. He's protecting himself emotionally by making a joke of it, saying he's too busy anyway.

I am simultaneously so terrified of putting my foot in it and showing my needy side but also I refuse to be stupid and try act like he is ready to be anything for me if the signs are so clearly pointing toward him not being ready for a relationship

In other words it sounds like the reverse of this is true. He's not ready to show you his feelings if the signs you're sending him point towards YOU not being ready for a relationship.

The texting and planning sounds like he may have dyslexia. So no drama there.
However I agree with other posters, you do sound hard work, it’s like some shit episode out of Dawson Creek. You really don’t sound ready for a relationship. The weird things is you do know what your doing which comes across really manipulative. It might be a protective thing you are doing but it all sounds gameplay. Try counselling and stop messing the poor guy around with your mixed messages.

I agree with all pp above. First you say tell him you want something casual, but then you get upset when he acts casual or says he wants the same. then when he seems to want a little more then you say you want something casual. I think he's feeding off the vibes you are giving out to him. I've done this before as a way to "protect my heart" - i tried to trick myself in thinking i didn't want something more when i really did but was protecting myself from hurt if the other person decided they didn't want the same.

i think you need to roll with it and see where it goes. just enjoy it right now.

He's literally told you he doesn't want a relationship.

You need to listen to him.

I don’t want there to be any expectations between us just yet because we are so chill right now.

You aren't so chill, your anxious and confused about the status of the relationship / not relationship and need to be honest with yourself about what you actually want.

You are being very confusing, sending mixed messages and so is he. This means neither of you is in a place to be dating someone without absolute, total clarity of what is going on and what the next steps could (or can't) be or someone is going to get hurt.

I'm afraid it's probably going to be you.

I think it would be worth knocking this on the head and having some counselling to unravel your approach to relationship dynamics before dating anyone again. It can be such a valuable thing to do and really help you work out your own boundaries and expectations.

If you're thinking / agonising / questioning this much three months in then it's not a healthy relationship. At all!

@youvegotteinuteslynne

Have you had relationship counselling?

I'm thinking of trying it as I have trust issues from a previous ex who cheated on me and i feel I'm bringing these issues into my new relationship!

[quote Whoknows11]@youvegotteinuteslynne

Have you had relationship counselling?

I'm thinking of trying it as I have trust issues from a previous ex who cheated on me and i feel I'm bringing these issues into my new relationship![/quote]
I found counselling life changing in helping me actually address the life experiences that had influenced my attitude towards relationships. I kind of knew what they were and was aware I was repeating bad habits etc but until I was accountable once a week to a therapist I just kept making the same mistakes. I committed to going weekly and not dating until I felt I was truly ready and I had a year or so of not dating at all, felt able to set my own pace and have clear boundaries when I started again and am now finally in a happy, healthy relationship. We laugh every day, don't have any drama and feel totally comfortable and honest. It's easy - I never thought it could feel like that. I would recommend counselling to anyone who is repeating the same mistakes in relationships but feels it's inevitable - it isn't and you can take control

@youvegottenminuteslynn

Thanks that's great. I've booked my first session next week.
I too feel my issues are becoming a pattern in my relationships and the guy I'm dating currently is too good for me to mess this one up!

It's crazy the damage that was done 6 years ago are still an issue but I'm more determined now to sort things for good!

[quote Whoknows11]@youvegottenminuteslynn

Thanks that's great. I've booked my first session next week.
I too feel my issues are becoming a pattern in my relationships and the guy I'm dating currently is too good for me to mess this one up!

It's crazy the damage that was done 6 years ago are still an issue but I'm more determined now to sort things for good![/quote]
Mine stem from my family dynamic. I went to therapy thinking I would speak about my romantic relationships and every week ended up offloading about my dad and brother. It was a mind blowing revelation! Well done on booking in counselling, it's a brave and positive thing to do

God you adore him don't you.

He has said to you he will be exclusive but doesn't have time for a girlfriend.
At this point you back off. You have pretended to be blaze about your feelings but you have fallen for him hook, line and sinker. Don't kid yourself that you are in control.
I agree with @youvegottenminuteslynn counselling would probably help you, but not if you think it's going to help you put up with anything from him.

The texting and planning sounds like he may have dyslexia

Blanca this is really interesting, can you exolain why?

Op i have a relationship which was very similar to yours. A year on its grown into a really great, mutually affectionate, proper relationship. The best thing I did was chill out and go with the flow a little.

For a three month relationship it sounds far from casual! You have met each other’s friends, spent lots of time together, party’s etc (I didn’t know party’s were happening)
You both sound pretty into each other, so what’s stopping you?!
As others have said, don’t complicate things and don’t analyse texts.
I get fed up of texting all the time, just ‘liking’ your message he’s acknowledging it, not ignoring it. Life’s too short-just enjoy!

@HomicidalPsychoJungleCat
I have dyslexia and this is how it plays out with me. I can be really unorganised, last minute kind of thing partly because I’m spinning lots of plates. I find texting really exhausting too, it’s just not my method of communication. She says they talk all night so it sounds from the post he is talker not a texter.
Also, If he has a business he maybe using his capacity and focus on that so anything outwith may be more challenging to prioritise. Like planning things in a timely manner.
Like I say, when I read it those behaviours seemed to jump out.
Of course Im only interpreting a post from a dyslexic lens, I could be talking total shite..

This looks like avoidant behaviour from you, the pull him in but push him out if he gets too close is a classic symptom. It's based on fear which you have pointed out. He seems quite secure, is consistent and open towards you which if you can hang in there will probably do you the world of good over time ie get used to having someone half decent in a relationship. However, it's not great for him to get these mixed messages from you. You may end up wearing him out, so perhaps some therapy to work through your panic may help. Past experiences don't have to be current one.

Blanca thats actually really helpful to me. Dp has dyslexia and in the early days I took the traits you mention as signals he jwtim. I know he is more now, but this will help me understand him better, thank you.

Your past trauma explains some of your behaviours but it doesn’t excuse it. It must be exhausting being on the receiving end of your push pull tendencies.