Beyond sick of this and needing a rant.

[OnNaturesCourse]

I'm 3 months PP so I'm verrrry aware this could be feeling totally over emotional right now especially considering the situation was pretty much the same before our LO was born BUT I am sick of feeling like DP does nothing, and is literally a 3rs child who needs his hand held through absolutely everything.

I feel like I'm on the edge of totally exploding, and every attempt at asking for "help" is met with huffing and puffing, and a few eye rolls. He does the night feeds so I should be thankful kind of deal - I'm low on iron so struggling with tiredness so he took that on.

He works hard so I can be home with our kids. And I'm so thankful for that, but I feel like his job ends at 6pm whereas mines just gets, well, never ends. He comes home and that's him done for the day aside from a night feed.

I'm so tired. So done.

I'll probably feel better tomorrow but I needed this off my chest.

@updownroundandround

You seem to love a good bold font 🤣

Anyway I have a challenging and stressful job outside of maternity leave. Working full time is a lot harder than being at home as a SAHM (depending on your job obviously but I'll
Get crucified on MN either way for daring to say it) and I have 3 month old twins and a reception age child

So no sharing out every minute of housekeeping / childcare / sleep is ridiculous

[quote andivfmakes3]@updownroundandround

You seem to love a good bold font 🤣

Anyway I have a challenging and stressful job outside of maternity leave. Working full time is a lot harder than being at home as a SAHM (depending on your job obviously but I'll
Get crucified on MN either way for daring to say it) and I have 3 month old twins and a reception age child

So no sharing out every minute of housekeeping / childcare / sleep is ridiculous [/quote]
What is your job, out of interest?

@imisscashmere

Why?

It would be pretty outing for me to say what my job is?

@andivfmakes3

Would it? I better not say what mine was either, then!

I'm just curious because I was pretty senior in a career widely accepted to be incredibly stressful and challenging, but I still think staying at home with a baby is immensely more difficult, for many reasons.

I think your view is the reason that being a stay at home parent is often looked down upon. Which it obviously shouldn't be.

When I was on maternity leave, that was my job. To look after our child during working hours. Not to be a housewife. Cleaning was still shared equally, dealing with night wakes was mainly me due to breastfeeding but DH did what he could to support that and allow me time to catch up on sleep. All the rest of the time we split the chores and childcare. We were both tired but we managed it as a team and accepted it wasn’t forever. I did still make a financial contribution due to a good mat leave package so DH was never the sole provider.

I am in a demanding and at times stressful senior job on a six figure salary and being at work is by far easier than looking after children!

@imisscashmere

I work in an unusual career for a woman so it would be pretty outing to say what it is 🤣

Anyway it really depends on the individual doesn't it? I have 3 month old twins and find it a breeze compared to my job - dare I say even boring at times - I don't see what's hard about what I'm doing (specific to my personal circumstances - disclaimer - appreciate not everyone feels the same etc etc before I get crucified) even with 2 babies (and no they are not perfect babies - they don't sleep through the night etc!). Twins usually wake at 430am to feed, I get older child up and ready for school, i do the school run with the twins, I'll do a bit of a food shop on the way back, put a wash on, keep on top of the ironing, maybe make something for dinner or batch cook for the freezer, play with the babies, feed, change them etc, couple of coffees, maybe a walk if it's sunny, clean a room per day or keep on top of the garden. I'm also working my way through an extensive DIY list whilst the twins nap. I've been to a couple of baby groups, taken older child out to activities during half term, met up with friends (covid compliant obviously 😉)

In the evenings yeah I'm tired but have x3 bath times and bed times to do, chill out with Netflix on the iPad whilst waiting for the twins next feed (every 4 hours or so through the night). Am I tired - of course I am. But there is no pressure from employer/clients/deadlines/no commute (and I work up and down the country)/ no difficult decisions to make - I'm my own boss as a mum if you like 🤣

Whilst I'm home whilst I do expect DH to pick up after himself and not be a total slob I don't expect him to do any household chores or cooking (unless he wants to) or night feeds

But that's me.....I appreciate not everyone feels the same about their job or motherhood before I get piled on.

@andivfmakes3

Thanks, that's really interesting for me to read. Of course yes, it depends on the individual. I have suffered physically and and with my MH postpartum... I think if I hadn't (or less so) I would feel much more like you. Part of the difficultly for me is also how boring and repetitive it can be - that makes it harder for me, not easier. I'm slowly getting back to my old self and I've been thinking I want to take back some of the stuff my DH has been doing to help me out, and give him more of a break after work.

Sorry to derail.

I think only OP knows what is fair in her relationship and house, but clearly she feels her partner is putting his feet up while she struggles, and that's not on.

@imisscashmere

I hope you are starting to feel better?

I don't know if it matters because every child is a gift - maybe it just matters to me - but all 3 of my children were much fought for - I lost 6 other babies, nearly died twice and lost both tubes to ectopics and did 5 rounds of IVF to get my twins not to mention nearly losing them too. All whilst working and being the main earner by a considerable way. I've been to hell and come out the other side. Motherhood for me is a breeze compared to the years leading up to this. I'm finally happy maybe that's why I don't find it so hard - because I'm riding a wave of contentment and peace (and maybe I'm a little bit high from the sleep deprivation and coffee)

But yes back to the OP - if she feels she needs more support then she should certainly ask for it , resentment can build quickly and easily within a relationship especially when children come along

Compare it to a single guy equivalent. Goes to work, comes home. For some reason he has to get up once a night as well, maybe he’s sexting a friend in another Timezone. He also has to shop, cook and feed himself, do laundry and iron his shirts, tidy and clean. A dad of a newborn with older children too shouldn’t have a schedule that looks like a breeze compared to a single guy.

@andivfmakes3

I'm sorry that you had such a hard struggle to have your children.
I've no doubt that you've had some really hard struggles.

But how would you have felt if, while you were having your most difficult time, some div on MN pointed out that they felt your life was 'a breeze' and that they should be grateful that they had a partner who helped for 1 hr a day ?

Would it make you happy ? distressed ?

Because that's exactly what I feel you're doing to the OP. You're totally minimizing the OP's feelings and refusing to be even a little understanding or empathetic.

You're so invested in trying to shine as being so amazing/ wonderful/ competent, all the time congratulating yourself on what you can accomplish during your maternity leave, and how easy it's been for you.
(And not forgetting to brag that maternity leave is so much easier than work too, and how much you earn too !)

This is so blatantly braggist and not helpful to the OP in the slightest.

The OP has come on MN for some support and for some reason you think that telling them how 'grateful' they should feel, and insinuating how lazy/useless the OP is for not coping.

Call me crazy, but I really can't see how you would think this will help the OP

Hi.

Sorry to have posted and ran. To top my rubbish day off my little one had a ridiculous nappy blow out in the middle of a shop and my toddler had a meltdown at the same time, while everyone else just stared. It was a bad day, but not a bad life as I keep telling myself.

I needed a rant and MN was all I had available to me, and the rant stopped me called DP at work at exploding down the phone at him. I'm thankful for that!

I read some of the comments on here, but honestly not had the time to read them all.

In answer to some of the questions I read...
I am a SAHP - but I don't believe that role means I should be expected to do everything in the house. After all we are both parents. I work at educating and looking after the kids, doing household maintenance and accounts, errands, laundry, cooking, and general household management while he is at work, but unfortunately parenting isn't a 9-5 job so I damn well do expect him to pick up "chores" at home.
He does a night feed, and that now makes up all the night feeds. The "night" feed is due about half hour before he'd normally get up for work anyways so he's taken that on. I do all the other feeds including the last top one at 11pm (when he is rightfully already in his bed)

We've had a discussion, and been open with how we both feel - let's face it a newborn baby and toddler isn't easy on either of us and I think I wasn't appreciating that at the time of throwing him under the bus during my rant. We are both overwhelmed and tired, but while my coping mechanism is to put my head down and power through until exhaustion, his is more of a "ignore everything" until I get some rest. We are working on meeting in the middle somewhere.

Thank you for kind words in here. My rant here definitely prevented a massive argument brewing at home.

Excellent update OP, sounds like you had a constructive chat rather than a defensive one from both of you. Not easy when you're knackered but so much more productive!

Definitely, and I think my little blow out on here helped diffuse the situation!