Wondering why people like you

[Fespital]

I hope this is the right section to get insightful, helpful and supportive advice.

I am in a new role and every day I'm surprised at how much people like me. This isn't a stealth boast. This is kind of imposter syndrome and I'm waiting for me to make a mistake, slip of the tongue or whatever, annoy them and go down in their estimations.

Back story is my family don't particularly like me. I'm the youngest and least favourite. I do a role that's completely the opposite of what the rest of them do (think work for the Labour party when they're all Conservative members). I have a lovely DH who loves me for me.

My old job I had a close knit set of friends but the overwhelming feeling was nothing I did was good enough for the organisation.

My new role is a promotion and with it lots of external people contacting me wanting to be connected to me. But also more senior people internally inviting me to things (workshops, informal Zoom coffees, phone calls) and asking my opinion. And then wholeheartedly agreeing with everything I say. Again this isn't a stealth boast. My problem is I'm star struck. Why do these people want to talk to me? Are my ideas really that good?

I'm not used to it and I'm genuinely anxious about getting things wrong and disappointing everyone (as per my life story). It's not that I'm bad at stuff. It's that I disappoint people even when I achieve what is needed. My best never feels good enough. Yet here I am being me and it's enough. It's more than enough! It's working for the first time ever and I'm worried I'm going to do something wrong to disappoint people again. Especially because I never see the disappointment coming despite being very self aware (unusually so according to a close colleague whose opinion I respect).

Does anyone have a book or piece of advice they can recommend to help me overcome this feeling? I'm a qualified coach, with a psychology degree and have recently read Brene Brown, Be the Boss Everyone Wants to Work For and Adam Grant Rethinking. I just can't do the self talk right now!

This stands out to me:

My old job I had a close knit set of friends but the overwhelming feeling was nothing I did was good enough for the organisation.

The jump across to an organisation that values and respects their employees often feels quite alien.

The best advice I can offer (although I realise it's easier to say than to put into practice) is to take a 'that was then, this is now' attitude and take everything on face value (there's no hidden catch)!

Op you have a psychology degree. You know about people's minds so therfore you will be liked. I suggest reading the KJB (KING JAMES BIBLE)As a way of informing yourself to truth and love. That way you may be able to take people's likes more of an informed manner. People generally like others because they are nice and easy to talk to. Maybe you are like this.

Thank you for your perspectives. I do think going somewhere that shows value and respect after possibly a lifetime of not feeling so is alien. Taking everything at face value and not waiting for the catch, and therefore not fully enjoying the feeling of being valued and respected is also key.

I do treat others as I wish to be treated and am now being treated how I treat others. I think after so long giving without getting anything back it's making me question the giver when really if I took the generosity for what it is I would recognise that being liked is a product of being nice in an environment where everyone feels safe to be themselves.

Yes - give yourself a kick up the arse.

Think of it like this - you owe your colleagues some confidence in your product , which in this case is yourself. You owe it to the people around you to maintain a balanced confidence - that means believing in, and making sure that what you say has value, whilst also being calmly aware that people can get over excited, people sometimes over invest. It's not just you - I see it all the time in the art world. Just make sure that you try your best and maintain an inner sense of what good quality work means and why, and that's all really.

@EarthSight

Yes - give yourself a kick up the arse.

Think of it like this - you owe your colleagues some confidence in your product , which in this case is yourself. You owe it to the people around you to maintain a balanced confidence - that means believing in, and making sure that what you say has value, whilst also being calmly aware that people can get over excited, people sometimes over invest. It's not just you - I see it all the time in the art world. Just make sure that you try your best and maintain an inner sense of what good quality work means and why, and that's all really.

I really like that thank you. Be confident in my product (self) but don't encourage people to expect more from me than I know I can deliver.

Have a read of The Chimp Paradox by Steve Peters. According to thus book, you've internalised the message from your FOO that you are unlikeable which has become a gremlin in you ie default reaction, and now you have met your 'tribe' who appreciate you and your qualities your gremlin setting of the feelings/primal part of your brain or chimp is kicking off because it's been trained to see yourself as unlikeable. It makes perfect sense really. Feelings aren't facts, they're reactions and you can train yourself to notice what's happening which eventually dilutes the reaction. Meditation is a good way to deal with these feelings. Hope that makes sense.

Coincidentally DH has the Chimp Paradox as someone recommended it to him for a different reason so I will read it. Thank you for the recommendation.

It's true I assume there is something wrong with me because my FOO is so very different to me. But to find my 'tribe' is just so brilliant. But also challenging of my own opinion of myself.

I feel similar to this at times too. Ive always struggled with imposter syndrome even though i have achieved well in the past and I always felt people didnt like me at work. I was always nice - prob too nice and they found it annoying - but if i tried being more assertive etc i was then pegged as a bitch. Always felt people found reasons to discount me or my work .But in my current role my colleagues really like me. At first i assumed it was to make sure i wouldnt quit right away as it is a pressured role for the nhs and despite good pay, no one would take on willingly if they knew haha. I'm still insecure about things at times and worry i will be found out if make an error or they will stop liking me, but im 4 years in now. The feeling gets less with time for me. Maybe its an age thing and as i get older i care less about things. But I also think some people (im my experience it was women who had worked there for years and there was a structural review ongoing) have a real issues with younger, enthusiastic people coming into thier workplace and they want you to know your place.

I’m with you, OP! I deliberately sabotage myself, had a first meeting with my boss last week, he told me how enjoyable the meeting was, this week I very deliberately sabotaged our meeting by bringing up something I should have let go because I have major imposter syndrome. It’s going to take a lot to bring him back round to thinking I’m great. I can be such an idiot. 😢

Also, give yourself time to adjust and to learn. You're the equivalent of someone who might have felt like a no-body for a long time and you've suddenly had overnight success where people love you and are falling over themselves to work or speak to you. It will feel very surreal until you find a way to ground yourself.

I've wondered if it's an age thing. These days I don't mind being wrong because I love learning new things. I don't like looking like a dick when I show my ignorance. So I'm OK to say 'I don't know' but am a bit scared people are looking to me to know and feeling disappointed if I don't! Being brave and vulnerable is hard!

@Cherrysoup. Sorry to hear you've experienced that. I kick myself on a regular basis for saying the wrong thing. I apologised for saying something to a colleague who seemed to take offense but then it turned out it wasn't offense she was just surprised (but not even in a bad way apparently )

I agree that grounding myself is the way to go. It does feel a safe environment to 'fail' I just hope I don't need that safety net!