DH with depression and addiction issues - getting me down

[chummymummy7]

Hello, support needed please.

I've been with DH for 13 years, married for 10 this month. I love him and we've been through a great deal together. He is kind, gentle and loyal in our relationship.

He was always upfront about his tendency to depression. His dad had bipolar, and as a child DH witnessed some very hard things which traumatised him. He lost his wonderful Mum to cancer two years ago.

DH has addictive tendencies. He isn't an alcoholic or a druggie. However he often seems to need something - as he puts it - "to get through the day". Currently, he is trying to wean off a supplement he has become reliant on. He is using another pharmaceutical (a benzo) to support this weaning. He is also on anti-depressants, and takes a small occasional amount of valium/small amount of a sleeping pill to help with sleep.

He says he wants to be fully sober, but also says he does enjoy the altered states, and it link somehow to his creativity (he's an accomplished artist, as well as working f/t). He had one particularly bad episode that ended in hospitalisation a few years back, and we received a letter from social services about it

Since then he's made some serious efforts to be healthy and sober. I think he needs to fully abstain due to his addictive tendencies. He tells me he can't promise he'll abstain from everything forever, as he doesn't want to break a promise.

He's been on furlough for the last year, and the lack of routine discipline has been a problem for him. I've also just started a new well-paid job, and our eldest DD with Aspergers has just restarted school after 3 years of being home schooled due to anxiety/school refusal. So there's a lot of change going on at home. I am worried about the impact of his mental health/mood swings etc on our 2 sensitive children...and myself.

I'm finding it hard. I'm trying to support him and be compassionate. But his drastic mood swings affect me. His choice to take substances (of any sort, ever) upsets me - my brother died of an overdose in 2008. Substance use of any sort triggers a great deal of anxiety in me.

He is a lovely, kind loyal man with a huge heart, and is generally a wonderful, very loving dad to our 2 children. But I can't see that this particular problem will go away. I very often feeling tight in the tummy/sad around him. His energy can be very heavy. He has said he'll get more support. He described himself as 'broken' by the loss of his parents. He hasn't yet opened the email I sent him about support/mentoring. He has seen a therapist but can't afford regular sessions atm.

I guess I'm seeing if anyone has any advice, support, compassion, similar experiences to offer. I'm not looking for anyone to bash him please.

I’m a bit confused, so apologies if I am reading your OP wrong.

You say he’s not an alcoholic or druggie and you list the prescription medication he is currently taking for his depression and insomnia. But then you say you want him to “fully abstain” and that “substance use of any sort triggers a great deal of anxiety”

I hope you do not mean you are trying to get him to stop his doctor prescribed medication? If he’s abusing it, then fair enough he should only be taking the doses his doctor prescribes. But, if he is only taking the medication in the doses his doctor has prescribed, then I think you are BU to demand he abstain from this. There is nothing wrong with him admitting that his medication helps him get through the day, or to sleep or that it allows him to feel enjoyment. That’s the purpose of anti-depressants.

In addition, there is nothing wrong with being on MH medication for life. It is a chronic illness that cannot always be managed through taking therapy. Especially if he is actually bipolar as you said runs in his family. It’s nit different from an asthmatic needing an inhaler for life. Or myself, I am on anti-psychotics for life because without them my schizophrenia would make me dangerous to myself and others.

I am sorry you lost your brother to an overdose in 2008 and think you probably need help yourself to manage your anxiety rather than try and wean your partner off prescribed medication that he needs for a real health condition.

*needing MH medication to manage a chronic health condition like depression or insomnia, is not “addiction” by the way.

@PlanDeRaccordement only the anti depressants are prescribed by the GP.

@PlanDeRaccordement he is self-medicating with a mix of pharmaceutical and non pharmaceutical substances, which haven't been prescribed. It's the unmonitored combination that concerns me

Thank you for clarifying. In that case your concerns are perfectly valid.
However, instead of trying to get him to abstain, I would encourage him to see his GP and be 100% honest about everything he is experiencing and taking. Certain drugs don’t mix well and he could be cancelling out his anti-depressants by taking benzos/sleeping pills on the side. He’s not qualified to manage his medication, only a doctor is. Too, there are anti-depressants like Prozac that you can take in the evening as they have a side effect of sleepiness....so he can get help without taking extra pills. So, instead if you trying to be doctor and figure what he needs or doesn’t, get him back to GP and just have him promise he will only take what he is prescribed and nothing on the side.

I have compassion with you, your situation sounds very hard. As I read it, he is self mediating alongside his prescriptions?

If he needs an 'altered state of mind' to feel functioning, I think that is a huge problem when there are dc. It will not only be you who is affected, the heavy energy and broken man is very heavy to grow up around. Instead of thinking in the 'me and dh' terms, I really think you should protect your children.

Medicating and sorry x posted.

@PlanDeRaccordement that sounds like a good plan of action, thanks.

@Giantrooster thanks for responding. It's complex as he is such a wonderful dad too. I'm leaving more towards helping him get long term support with this x

I wasn't suggesting otherwise op . But he needs to get help from professionals and in my view the rest of your family needs support as well.

@Giantrooster I see what you mean, I thought you were suggesting thinking about leaving - and tbh in bad moments I have felt that way. But there's too much love and great potential there. Thank you

Hi you said his dad had Bipolar , has he ever been tested for it? He sounds a lot like my DH with Bipolar2 or rapid cycle Bipolar. The mood swings, addictive personality, drug use and the altered states for creative art are all textbook Bipolar symptoms. If he has undiagnosed bipolar the use of unprescribed drugs can make it much, much worse. He also needs to be on a mood stablising drug to help control the moodswings. My DH( who is also an artist)says the worst thing about the mood stablising drugs is his loss of creative drive and that he misses the '" high" it used to give him. That sounds almost word for word what your DH has said. My DH only got proper contol when he went tee total on drink, drugs and everything else. It still creeps in now though with things like unhealthy relations to food and obbsessing over it. I think you need tough talking. You need to tell your DH you BOTH need to go to your GP so you can explain the impact his MH has on you. He has to be prepared to get clean and do what his GP tells him. You need to ask for a psych refferal as only a qualified Psychiatrist can diagnose Bipolar( or rule it out)Good luck to you.

@Redannie118 gosh, thank you. For some reason we've never him being considered bipolar , as he functions so well. But as I write that, and with everything you experienced with your DH resonating so much (right down to food obsessions.... spending money is another)- I will approach it with him. Thank you so much for responding x

He sounds a lot like my son, who has just finished a community detox for benzos. Along with a prescription and tapering he has therapeutic intervention from the substance misuse services.
Benzos are no joke and occasional use can escalate really quickly. Cold turkey withdrawal is dangerous and grim.
My advice would be for him to access the substance misuse services - in a lot of places it is called Inspire. If he wants to, that is. Addiction is miserable though.
He’ll need MH support too but the MH services will want him clean and sober before they take him on.

@Squeejit thanks, I hope your son continues to do well. X

@chummymummy7 spending money is a huge one. My DH ended up so bad he had to surrender all finances to me or else would have been out on the street. Does he get obssessed with certain things, like hobbies, games, tv shows etc and need to buy EVERYTHING to go with them?

I agree he needs to go back to the doctor and explain everything he's taking. An assessment for bipolar too.
He needs therapy along with the medication to learn new coping behaviours.
He'll be able to get off the extra drugs and make progress of he sticks with it.

Have someone with bipolar in my family and was immediately thinking of bipolar in your opening post. Taking antidepressants with bipolar is not always recommended as they can add to the high and be too much. Messing around with other meds is a total no!
As suggested he needs a complete assessment where the consultant has the overall picture.

Also seeing big bipolar red waving flags. It can be a struggle to be diagnosed if the diagnosis of unipolar has already been given.
Lots of famous artists and thinkers would probably have been diagnosed as bipolar nowadays.

@chummymummy7 thanks. He’s only 18 so it’s been really hard and sad, but he’s getting there. It’s two steps forward, one step back, but overall he’s in a better place than he was a few months ago.

Being diagnosed as bipolar changed my life in the best way possible. I recognise so much of what you described in your first post and now I am medicated and feel calm, comfortable and in control. I no longer have manic or very depressive episodes, though I do still have a tendency to feel things strongly. Which is good as I don't feel numb!

A mixture of proper medication and counselling has honestly made my life whole again. Reading about bipolar was like hearing someone else write exactly how I felt - a total revelation to me. As was my ADHD diagnosis.

Definitely worth him investigating those things with some mental health professionals IMO.

My best self was still there alongside self medicating and feeling totally at sea if I didn't have something sort of propping me up, be it alcohol or drugs or spending or drama... now I don't need those things to be myself.

You sound lovely and I hope you realise he needs to lead on this and want to be well and happy - his mental health doesnt trump yours and you deserve to be with someone who is committed enough to his family to seek help and make changes.

If he can do that, you could still have a fantastic relationship and future together.

The best forum for this stuff I found is sober recovery friends and family of substance abusers.

Echoing PPs re bipolar.

You can be high functioning with bipolar - I have it and was in a six figure job until last year (although I have now reduced to something less well paid as the stress and long hours were too much).

He sounds like someone who cannot regulate his emotions due to an unstable childhood where he didn't experience predictability, containment and emotional consistency at home and now relies on chemicals to do it for him. Many people need a combination of medication and therapy to learn to do this in healthy ways that work well for them and their loved ones.

I'd suggest without therapy this is your life and nothing will really improve for long (until the next life change evokes a destabilising period) for any of you.

I was wondering if anyone has advice as to how to speak to a clever, empathetic seven year old about why his dad was sectioned with bipolar. We live separately from his dad - due to his dads mental health issues and abuse towards my son and myself from his dad that began after my son was born. Although he was only two when we began to live separately I believe he remembers some of the unpleasant incidents that occurred. We have lived apart for five years and I am currently divorcing his dad - my son does not know this.
I tried to get his dad help when I realised something was wrong before I left him but was told by the mental health service that he was coherent and they wouldn’t be able to help with a diagnosis of bipolar unless I had evidence over a period of seven years that reflected this behaviour.
However he began behaving threateningly and erratically in May of this year again and was sectioned. He was subsequently diagnosed with bipolar.
When he was out of hospital I visited with our son and the visit was difficult. Our son tried to please everyone - his dads family is difficult and they always find fault with the child. Our son was visibly relieved when we left and was delighted to be back with my parents (with whom he has a close relationship).
Until last month he would talk to his dad and other grandparents via video call weekly. However this past month he seems very angry and is refusing to speak to them. I try to manage this by persuading him while they are on the call (as they think it is me who is stopping him speaking to them), saying things like “they just want to hear about your day and see that you’re ok” and speaking with them myself, telling them about things he or we have been doing while he is in the room (which they don’t like) and eventually leaving the phone with him - he immediately hangs up on them.
I am very worried as this is unlike him - he usually is compliant and happy but I feel something has changed. I don’t want to do the wrong thing and have him feel I’m not supportive of him. We have a great relationship but during this last month he has begun to hit me - he has never done this before.
I have never spoken against his dad and I simply say that his dad is not well and is not able to look after him but isn’t it great that when he does see his dad he has lovely time playing with him.
I feel that perhaps I need to say more about the illness now to help him process his feelings. I would welcome any advice about how to do this.
I have looked for books for children regarding mental health but haven’t managed to find one regarding dads with bipolar (only mums and that would be confusing). Any recommendations would be great.
Thank you.