Broken relationship with a parent

[fallingfastly]

Just looking for a bit of insight into others in this situation. I am a grown woman with DC of my own. My parents divorced long ago when I was a teen. Things were difficult for a while with my dad due to the nature of the split but after a turbulent few years we seemed to come through ok.

As the years have gone by our lives have changed. He has remarried and I now have had DC myself. Distance has grown, and contact is now sporadic at best, we probably speak a few times a year and I can count the times my DC have met him on one hand. This hasn't been precipitated by any argument, and we actually get on well when we do speak.

I tried making an effort, but it just ended in disappointment. Little things like missed birthdays, or in some ways worse, cards which come with names mis-spelt, or the wrong ages for DC. Meanwhile, when he does call he will just act like nothing has happened and he speaks to me all the time, or, pre-covid he would occasionally just drop round to the house (a little confusing for the DC who need reminding who he is).

I am just finding this so hurtful. I know that I am an adult but I still find it hard to understand why I (and my family) are just so insignificant to him. He regularly sees his wife's adult children and grand children, who are a similar age to my own DC which just makes it harder. I struggle to explain to those outside of the situation as most assume there has been a falling out, but it genuinely just seems to be disinterest.

I haven't confronted the issue with him (after all it's hard to address it when you barely ever speak to someone but I also worry that the blame will be passed onto me). Maybe the blame does lie with me for not reaching out more (I've given up calling except on his birthday/fathers day really). It's getting to the point where I just don't see going in forward in this way particularly healthy for me, and I would so just like to know why things are this way.

I was just wondering if others have experienced similar? In many ways I feel no contact at all would be preferable to this but I don't know where to go from here to change the situation, or even what outcome I'm hoping for. Thanks for reading that essay, sorry, I know my thoughts are a bit jumbled.

Its not your fault in any way and you were but a child at the time your parents separated. He is himself a selfish and weak man who has now put his second family before his first family i.e. you. His second wife may have had some bearing in that decision too but the responsibility lies primarily with him all the same. Again its not your fault.

If the other set of grandparents are nice concentrate your efforts on them. You do not need someone like your biological father coming and going into and out of your lives when he feels like it; its unsettling and confusing for you and your children. I would certainly make myself less available to him going forward.

Thanks for your kind message @AttilaTheMeerkat. I think I'm reaching much the same conclusion as you, I don't need him coming and going in this way, I find it too upsetting. I just want him to be in contact properly, or not at all and drop the pretence. I am very lucky and my mum is great and we are close.

I'm struggling to figure out how to address it though to bring this awkward pretence of being in touch but not in touch to an end. The only way that I can see is to confront the issue with him directly. There's a chance he will change a little for a while, but I have no doubt that things will revert back to the status quo soon enough.

I don't particularly want or need him in my life at all. However, directly telling him not to contact me is so very final, and I don't want to be the bad guy in all this, I want to be the better person. I just wish I could make better sense of it and make my peace with it all.

Op I've not spoken to my parents for over 25years and no wish to do so. My dcs haven't seen them either and wouldn't know if we walked past them. I belive sometimes you are better off without people who damage you in any way. I wouldn't say anything to him or even think about contacting him. He is or supposed to be your dadso why should you do all the contact. If he was interested he would contact you more. He should do. I would give it a few months and see if he is going to step up and be a grandparent and a dad. Don't fall out with him just don't speak to him 7nless he speaks to you first

I have a similar father. My parents divorced when I was 2 years old and the past 45+ years have been similar to how you describe your relationship with your dad.

He married the OW and built a life with her - my mum had custody of me but I used to visit him for 4 hours on a Sunday, as set by the court. That's all the time I spent with him from the age of 3 until 17. Not even my birthdays unless they fell on a Sunday. Seeing him on Christmas day meant a Sunday was dropped - even if Christmas Day was a Wednesday. As I grew older I cared less, but when I was young it hurt....felt like a rejection.

I won't write down the essay of my life and relationship with him but things finally came to a head two weeks ago when he criticised my parenting and criticised my DCs. It was as if the dam broke and I said everything I should have said sooner...haven't spoken to him since and quite honestly I don't think I'll speak to him again.

I agree that it's impossible to have any kind of discussion with someone you barely know - my dad has always felt like a stranger to me.

It sounds like he's not as interested or invested TBH and it sounds like you're always going to be the one doing the running. Might be worth thinking about stopping making the effort and if this makes you the 'bad person' then so be it. Sounds to me like you've tried really hard to make it work and he's carrying on as always.

His actions are shallow, flaky, uncommitted, disrespectful and uncaring.

I suspect these same traits caused the divorce.

This is who he is.

I doubt he has the emotional capacity or motivation to understand and reflect, change and grow.

You and your DCs deserve better.

Don’t let them think this is good enough.

It isn’t.

Thank you everyone. I've found reading through your comments really helpful. Having confirmation that it's not ok really helps as I've wondered if maybe this is normal for adults whose parents aren't together and I'm just expecting too much from him.

I think I've got a bit of work to do to find my own peace with it, but calling it out (even if it's just anonymously here!) is a bit of a start. I've always known he's a flawed man, but I think it's time I stop making excuses for him. @Sssloou your description of him is entirely accurate.

@fallingfastly I always thought it was me, not him. I tried really hard to fit into his ideals and always felt disjointed in some way because the expectation never matched who I actually am.

@Sssloou You have described my father completely.