Should I tell new guy I am having therapy?

Strawberrysaxifrage · 2021-05-05T21:26:51+00:00

I have a new boyfriend of about 3 months following the longest dry spell ever. He tells me he is in love and I feel the same. I have also just started therapy for a few problems including past sexual assaults, rape, low self esteem also medication related panic and anxiety. Would you say I should tell him about the therapy? He knows about the meds and vaguely about the past sexual assaults (no details but I had a flashback one night). I know it's my business but would this be a weird thing not to share or would someone be more likely put off by knowing? I'm a very private person generally and worry a lot.

lolateddy · 05/05/2021 22:29

I'm so sorry to hear what you've gone through.
In my opinion I would definitely tell him, therapy is so normal now and you should be able to talk to him about this down the line.
I don't see why he would find it weird in any way. He would most likely more than understand, and if he doesn't then he's not right for you. x

GreenTeaPingPong · 05/05/2021 22:33

Hi OP. I'm not an expert but I would say, not on the first date, but after 3 months yes you could tell him, casually in conversation perhaps, that you're having therapy. It's not a big deal these days, and he might be glad that you're addressing your past trauma if he's already witnessed a flashback. If he's a decent person he shouldn't be put off by it. You don't have to tell him more than you want to about the reasons for it or what you talk about in therapy, that's between you and your therapist. If he asks for details you're not ready to discuss then just say you're not ready to talk about that yet. Why not discuss with your therapist how much to tell him about your past trauma?

M0rT · 05/05/2021 22:35

You've had a really tough time of it and are doing your best to pull yourself back together.
I think that is admirable and I know therapy can be very difficult when you have trauma to cope with.
For your own sake I would tell him, not for his approval/acceptance or that he is somehow owed the knowledge but this is a big part of your life at the minute so it will be easier for you not to have to think about concealing it.
Best of luck with it.

GoddessKali · 05/05/2021 22:43

Absolutely- I couldn’t have sex with someone of I wasn’t able to talk to them about stuff I was working through and past difficult situations.

A partner is there to love and support you, to share and open to, it’s wonderful to have someone to go through things like this with ❤️

category12 · 05/05/2021 22:43

I would be careful.

It's quite common to fall into further abusive relationships following traumatic experiences such as you have had, and 3 months isn't that long to get to know him. You need to have a really good sense of boundaries and look out for red flag behaviours, and I would avoid exposing all your vulnerabilities in case he turns out to be a wrong un and uses them to exploit or otherwise harm you.

I would be open to a certain point, but I feel it's unwise to give someone so much ammunition against you at such an early stage.

Wanderlusto · 05/05/2021 22:53

No, absolutely not.

I don't want to put a damper on things but you gave low self esteem and are working through some serious shit...so why would a healthy individual date you right now? More than possible he is more of the same.

Telling you ge lives you 3 months in? I mean sure its possible,but much more likely he is a love bombing fake.

All else aside theres no way in hell you should tell a new partner about sexual abuse or abuse of any kind. It is not his buisness and may make you more vulnerable should he turn out not to be mr nice guy.

Dont take unnessaraty risks.
Not saying you should run a mile but please be very careful. Make sure you know how to spot abusers and please slow down with this guy. If he is good un, what's the rush?

Wanderlusto · 05/05/2021 22:54

*telling you he loves you

user113424742258631134 · 05/05/2021 22:55

@category12

I would be careful.

It's quite common to fall into further abusive relationships following traumatic experiences such as you have had, and 3 months isn't that long to get to know him. You need to have a really good sense of boundaries and look out for red flag behaviours, and I would avoid exposing all your vulnerabilities in case he turns out to be a wrong un and uses them to exploit or otherwise harm you.

I would be open to a certain point, but I feel it's unwise to give someone so much ammunition against you at such an early stage.

My thoughts too.

user113424742258631134 · 05/05/2021 23:07

Make sure you know how to spot abusers and please slow down with this guy. If he is good un, what's the rush?

And this. I find it quite concerning that you're talking of being "in love" with someone you do not really know. Especially with the timing of you working through your trauma and being even more vulnerable than usual.

The feeling of someone rescuing you from your past trauma can feel intense and intoxicating. It's easy to confuse it for love.

Grimsknee · 05/05/2021 23:10

What @category12 said.
It isn't a weird thing not to share with someone you've only known 3 months.
Yes therapy is less stigmatized now, but it's good boundary-setting practice for you to keep it private if your gut is uneasy about telling him. If you've got a good therapist they may also help you with sorting out your boundaries in this new relationship.

Sally2791 · 05/05/2021 23:12

No don’t tell him. It gives him tools to manipulate you. Maybe in 5 years if all is well

Thelnebriati · 05/05/2021 23:17

Dont tell him anything, its too soon.
And please talk to your therapist. Its usual for them to recommend you don't start a new relationship when you are in the early stages of therapy.

Original poster

Strawberrysaxifrage · 05/05/2021 23:19

Yes, I feel like my gut is saying to keep it to myself for now, nothing personal about him but just as our relationship is new and discussing this could have some sort of adverse outcome whether its him judging me (in which case sod him), or him being dodgy himself. I get a good feeling off him, just perhaps not about sharing this yet. Suppose I ask because I feel like have a lot of secrets, the rapes etc. and also I don't tell everyone about the MH problems, and thought it might feel good to be open. Wise to have boundaries though, I agree. Hopefully discussing these things with the therapist might help allay some of the pressure of not being able to talk about things that affect me.

OP posts:

Happycat1212 · 06/05/2021 00:06

Absolutely not!

Original poster

Strawberrysaxifrage · 06/05/2021 06:25

And thank you all for the kind comments

OP posts:

Postern · 06/05/2021 06:31

I’d be perfectly happy to mention that fact that I’m having therapy, but leave it at that — no further details about why or what things I’m working through. Those are far too personal to share with someone you barely know.

nancywhitehead · 06/05/2021 06:52

It depends on him really and no one can say how he will react. Do you think he is open minded? Does he talk about mental health?

Personally I am happy to tell anyone and everyone I know that I have therapy and I don't see it as controversial or a big deal at all. I think it's something that everyone should do regardless of what past traumas they have been through.

But some people - often older generation - see it as a stigma and that there must be something wrong with you.

So it really depends on his outlook. But the truth is therapy is just a part of your life at the moment and something that is really relevant to your relationship too, so hopefully it is something that you can share with your partner.

HadToPutTheHeatingOn · 06/05/2021 08:45

I agree with those saying don't tell him yet.

I was raped a long time ago. As a result there are certain sexual things I just won't do because they are triggering.

I used to feel I had to explain this and even posted about it on here. When people told me I didn't need to explain or justify myself or my boundaries I thought, "Yes, but how can I expect him to observe them if he doesn't understand?"

It took a while and therapy to fully understand that I really don't need to explain and that no should be enough.

When it is, I know he's a good 'un. If I feel I required to justify or explain my position, I know he's not someone I want to progress with.

Sadly, most men fall into the latter category! But, every now and again, I meet one who doesn't.

I would also keep quiet about the therapy until you know that he is definitely someone who deserves to know that part of you, which, after 3 months, you won't.

WishICouldThinkOfAGoodName · 06/05/2021 09:01

Definitely not. It’s too early and leaves you exposed.

DateXY · 06/05/2021 09:19

Is this definitely the right time for a relationship? Personally I would concentrate on working through all these big issues in therapy and focusing on your own self healing.

The big risk here is that you could be using relationships as a form of trying to bolster your self esteem or forming emotional dependency. Also abusive men and men who treat women badly can sense women with low self esteem and other issues like shark to blood and you would be an easy target at this point. Such men never show their true colours early on and you have to be in an emotionally healthy state to spot them easily.

Dontbeme · 06/05/2021 09:28

@category12

I would be careful.

It's quite common to fall into further abusive relationships following traumatic experiences such as you have had, and 3 months isn't that long to get to know him. You need to have a really good sense of boundaries and look out for red flag behaviours, and I would avoid exposing all your vulnerabilities in case he turns out to be a wrong un and uses them to exploit or otherwise harm you.

I would be open to a certain point, but I feel it's unwise to give someone so much ammunition against you at such an early stage.

This with bells on, I learned this one the hard way and every vulnerability was used to hurt me. It was a long relationship and I discovered He cheated repeatedly and said that it was my fault as I was abused as a kid and that was all he could think about when with me. Be careful and honestly if you are receiving counseling you don't need another person voicing their opinions on what you are trying to deal with.

saltychoc · 06/05/2021 09:58

I would happily (and have done) discuss going to therapy with people I'm dating - it even comes up on 1st dates - most single people my age have had therapy!

However due to the nature of the issues you are having therapy for and the fact you are currently/about to start therapy I would be very careful.

I am only now able to talk confidently and openly about the therapy I have had because:
a) I am recovered and at peace with my past issue and
b) the therapy itself was over 10-20 years ago.

In your position I would keep the therapy private, I actually wonder if it's good to be in a relationship at present, but if you make each other happy that's ok.
I just worry that you might be making yourself more vulnerable while this is going on, which might out be a good idea.

Discuss it with your therapist - hopefully they will help you work it out.

All the best x

Whoscoatsthatjacket · 06/05/2021 10:32

I think it’s entirely up to you and how comfortable you are with him.
I’m having therapy at the moment too and I’m open about it to anyone and have been surprised how many people have said they’ve had it too.
Thinking back to 3 months in with my now DH, I think I would have felt comfortable telling him at that point but there are others I wouldn’t have been comfortable with.
At the end of the day, it’s nothing to be ashamed about xxx